OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- NHdad
- New member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
This weekend was not great.
My lw still lives with me and there's zero affection, barely a smile. But yet when she's on her phone she smiles a lot.
We have a planned April vacation and are keeping it status quo for our son but it sucks.
I feel so lonely when she's around.
- Dee
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
Why did he need to start screaming in front of the kids on such a special day to blame you for his failing relationship with his kids? It was an easy and perfect excuse to use, and to put the blame squarely in your court, because he knows you care about this probably more than anything. It doesn't matter if it was this or something else, he's created this nightmare from not being honest with you from day one, his employer and now his kids. And even if he was upset about the locks, a responsible parent would have waited until a more appropriate time to discuss it. Sorry, but this got my dander up, it's literally like they all bought the same playbook on Amazon.
- Piper55
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
I want this horrible pain to end. I read today that those of us in emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships also suffer PTSD from the TRAUMA of it all. Why am I longing for this man? A man in serious denial? Why am I only remembering how great it was, and not the awful parts? I've tried so much to make me feel better: yoga, meetings, going out in nature, even considered having a "rebound" fling. Problem with that is that I hate my body image so much now. The lack of intimacy and attraction to my body in my marriage has damaged me. How does one get back in her (his) groove?
- disillusioned
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
I also wonder why I think back to how great the first few years were, and don't focus on what an asshole he became. I wouldn't go back ever, but still think about the good times and think how good and easy life could have been, if not for the whole damn gay thing.
- Piper55
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
Yep. The whole gay thing ruined it all. It's not as if they've cheated with a woman and things might be different. I guess those of us who managed to leave, even though we still hurt, are lucky. I can't imagine staying, though I don't judge those who do.
- maresyd
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
jkpeace,
Not your problem. You have to keep telling yourself that as he blames you for his choices. You deserve a peaceful life away from the web of crap he's weaved for himself. It's not your fault or your choices that caused the situation. I know it's painful and difficult to have to even hear his screwed up notion of what should be. You know what is, you know what you can handle, and you are brave for moving forward away from the crazy. He needs to get it together, grow up, and move forward with his own life instead of acting like a child. You've been more than accommodating while you supported his many swings in behavior. You matter, and his self-centered nature of everything being about him, is just rearing it's sad little head because he doesn't have you anymore to pick up his crap and tell him everything is going to be ok. You and your kids deserve better. His own self-pity and self-hatred are his problem. Keep posting, keep doing what you are doing for yourself and your kids. You're doing the best you can with what you've been handed.
Piper 55, NHDad, there will be a day when it doesn't hurt as much, each day a little less. The key is looking forward instead of back. We tend to idealize all of the good stuff and reminisce. It's easy when you're sad and lonely. But know that you are both worth so much more, and deserve much more than a spouse who can't love you the way you need and deserve. You have eyes in front of your head for a reason. Use them to visualize a peaceful existence where you aren't wondering, begging, or wishing for the love you so richly deserve.
Hugs to all.
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
JK,
"It's a huge mess, but I am not comfortable with him in my home. Still, I feel guilty, when he says, "You are putting more and more distant between everyone and me."
I am concerned for you.
One thing that took me a long time ,if you know my story, is feeling safe. I had the alarm upgraded and I lock my doors.. The thought of her even setting foot in my house scares me. She could, of course, have my kids let her in whenever I am not there. But it is all paranoia on my part.. She drops off the kids and has no desire to see me or go in the house. Her hatred runs deep.
But it is the feeling of safety in our minds that we need.
Just because your GIDX was not a cruel or abusive like my GIDX doesn't mean he has any right to come into your home. In a sentence; what part of the word divorced doesn't he understand. Did he think you would be divorced and he would just continue to come and go into the house as if he still lived there. He
does not live there. It is not his home. The excuses he makes; studying and relationship with the kids are not your problem. These selfish spouses has this talent for taking their problems and making them our problem.. But the key word is spouses...they are not our spouses anymore.. In a sentence; they have forfeited the right to make things our problem.. We are divorced; all rights and privileges to our time, money, thoughts, attention are hereby revoked.. only what is in the settlement are we required to honor. Again, what part of the word divorced doesn't he understand.
So no JK, just no. Don't you own any guilt. Unless it's in your settlement that he is allowed to visit the children in your home then he is not allowed in...unless you invite him in.. Like that vampire movie "Let Me In"...he has to be invited...you have to say words else he stays outside.. anything else is a violation. I would make it legal if won't honor it. It sounds cruel but he chose; he chose in a hotel room and to lie to you for years... there are consequences that are not your problem. It sucks that that will distance him from the kids but that is his problem not yours.. you have the right to feel safe. You earned that right above anything else.
PS: I tried not to use the word narcissist but selfish expectations like this in their minds is exactly what it is. I do realize in your settlement he may have been thinking about the kids in letting you have it but its
also possible, in his mind, that he thought he could still come and go as he pleased "for the kids". So
even the act of giving you the house for financial reasons or the kids may have had an alternate motive for his benefit... I'm finding now that mine has a plan for herself behind every act...never are the kids put literally first.
Sorry if this sounded harsh but I think we are all concerned for your mental and physical safety. You get to decide who comes in your home and when. His getting mad means you did the right thing.
Last edited by Rob (April 10, 2017 6:11 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- OutofHisCloset
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
jk,
From what you write it seems to me that if your husband says he is "studying" when he's in your house, he's not interacting with your kids, simply occupying the same space as they are. And as you allowed him to use the house to interact with the kids, you should feel no guilt about closing that option. (Not that you need to feel guilt; not that you have any obligation to let him into your house.)
As for your sister, perhaps at some point you can establish clear boundaries for what is acceptable: tell her that she is welcome to continue her relationship with him, separate from you, but that she is not to advocate for him with you.
And just for the record--not trying to be offensive or mean--when I first wrote about my autogynephilic transgender husband and you wrote to say how wonderful your transgendered brother in law was, I sort of felt the same way as you do about your sister.... Which is to say, "putting ourselves in others' shoes" is a double edged sword for us; yes, it's an empathetic thing to do, and a positive one; but it's also what got us into trouble with our spouses--we gave and gave and put them and their needs first and tried to understand and adjust our own behavior.
- Kel
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
JK,
Sometimes it's easier if we look at our issue from outside - as if we were our friend or parent looking in and telling us what's what. So today I'm that friend. Why can't he have a key to your home? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIVE THERE. YOU'RE DIVORCED. BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON YOU AND MADE YOU F'ING MISERABLE.
It doesn't matter if his name is on the mortgage. I rented for 8 years from a landlord whose name was on the mortgage. That didn't give him the right to just walk in the back door. There are literally laws about this kind of thing.
What's he need a key for, anyway? If there is someone home, knock. If not, have the kid take a key with. HE doesn't need to get into the house - his KIDS do. As long as that can happen, everything's fine.
Now,.... repeat after me: "If you have a problem with it, take it to court. See if they'll give you a key to the home I reside in." BOOM. Repeat every.single.time he makes a fuss. You're essentially saying "You will get nowhere with me with this bullshit. If you want to get somewhere, try court. Otherwise, stfu."
And I can't stand it when they do this "I don't have a home" or "I'm homeless" thing. My one son does that all the damned time. Do you have a place to lay your head? Do you have a place where you store your things? Do you have a key to said place? Yeah? GREAT - you have a home. It's just not where you want it to be. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. If you want a better living situation then do something different to improve your situation. STOP looking to ME to fix it. I did that when I was your wife. I'm not your wife any more. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
As for the whole, "You're pushing me further and further away" bullshit, you're pushing him out of YOUR life. BECAUSE YOU'RE DIVORCED. You're not pushing him out of his kids' lives. Being involved in a child's life doesn't mean you need to have a key to their home. It means you need the key to their HEART. Do something to be worthy. Be a man and figure out how to make the best of your situation. This is not anyone's fault but his, JK. He just does'nt WANT it to be his. Whatever - he doesn't get to make choices in your relationship any more. He made poor choices and you had to deal with the fallout. So no more leaverage for him. Go peddle your sad song elsewhere - you're hurting my damned ears.
Kel
Last edited by Kel (April 10, 2017 3:10 pm)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- •
Thread Starter- Kel
- Member
Offline
Re: How are we all doing?
And jk, your comment to your former SIL was dead on. Why is she trying to get you to see HIS side of this? Why isn't SHE trying to see YOUR side of this?
And what IS his side, exactly? That he didn't feel fulfilled unless he was sleeping with someone that had a penis? Ooooh, poor him. Well, he can go ahead and do it now - he's free to now. Have at it, stud. Is his side that he made a mistake and wants things to go back to the way they were? Well, they can't. You can't unring a bell. It was your right to decide that you didn't want to stay married any longer to someone who was unfaithful to you. And that's the option you chose. YOU have never made that "mistake" - of falling into another man's bed. He'll get no sympathy from you. He KNEW what he was doing, and he did it anyway. You made the bed, you lie in it. He/his sister needs to stop trying to make HIS problem YOUR problem.
Your choices aren't up for debate at this point. You're not thinking of throwing in the towel - you already HAVE. You divorced him and took back your own name. You've changed the locks on the door. You've gone no contact. You don't have to justify those choices to HER. If SHE cares so much about him, let HER offer her home up to him. Can't? Won't? Well you can't and won't, either. Guess he'll just have to go find another chump to prey on. Because you're DONE.
Your analogy about asking the rape victim to "see it from the rapists' point of view" is dead on.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- •
Thread Starter