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1 of 1- Lisa4kids
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I can't stop looking for signs
Suddenly everything he does or says becomes a gay sexual innuendo. I'm suspicious constantly. Looking at him and wondering what he's done. But I'm finding nothing other than the condoms and anal vibe. The only thing I found was a strange name in his recent calls. Incoming. 5 min. The day he went for a drive with no explanation. I found the guy on linked in and I'd guess he is gay but looks are deceiving... my husband is a masculine broad shouldered football player Type who is not a snappy dresser. His profile says he's 34. No married. Works as a technician for an energy co. I can't think of any reason my husband would be conversing with him or even have him in his contacts.
I think I need to stop and move on with my life. I'm just searching for answers so desperately. I even smirked a bit because he was watching that movie "Sausage Party". I thought the title was rather fitting
- Rob
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Re: I can't stop looking for signs
Lisa4kids,
So so sorry.. Same thing happened to me.. couldnt stop looking. And I was good at it... no need for a private detective. My family had to tell me to stop.."you know what her phone says.. you know there are 800 texts a day". The feeling that I had to snoop hit me also..."what am I doing?", "why do I have to do this?" What did I do to deserve this (answer nothing)? Who does think she is fooling..why does she think this is morally ok ? and on, and on ...
The distrust, disloyalty,deceit, covert betrayal etc will eat you up as you're seeing. It made me shake in the beginning. At one point I got used to it but it's demeaning. At one point i was reading what she was saying about me thinking pick me pick me...rather pathetic. There is an arrogance to them also as they sneak/plot/scheme thinking they are deceiving us and we don't know.. That we are stupid.. Its scary to realize besides what they are doing they have such a low opinion of us.
I would say monitor the information .(snoop discretely )...you may be able to tell , for example, when he's gone to vist a lawyer or house shopping. I don't think you'll find anything declaring his love for you and that he'll stop.. It very sad but start gathering your financial information (make sure you know the balance of all accounts and where money is)...a little at a time. With 4 kids you need to do what must be done...you must be practical and stoic.. steadfast and calm. All easier said than done. We do what is right.. Even my priest said "your done... but you need to protect those kids". Strength, courage, faith.
The future is unknown but at some point it becomes better than living with a betraying spouse.
I'm so sorry but despite what you want to believe he's on the down low. It is a shock..like getting hit by a bus.
That feeling of all the blood draining from your face. No one should live like that. That is not what marriage is all about. Start building your support system...
Last edited by Rob (April 7, 2017 6:38 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- maresyd
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Re: I can't stop looking for signs
Lisa,
There's a huge sign. It says....KEEP GOING. You don't need to wonder and torture yourself. You know.
I agree with Rob. No one should have to live like that. Build your fortress. I PMed you some recommendations for counseling in your area.
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- Lisa4kids
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Re: I can't stop looking for signs
I found myself researching keyloggers this morning but I'm afraid to install one in case it messes up his laptop. I'm still trying to figure out who the heck this man is who called him also.
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Thread Starter- Kel
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Re: I can't stop looking for signs
You're not looking for signs - your eyes have been opened and you can take in information differently now. And you're noticing everything. Consider it a revelation, not a sign that you're going crazy. It's a sign that you're finally getting some clarity. Even if it is driving you nuts in the meantime. Lol.
I do see you spinning on the "proof", though. I've read your other post in the "Is He/She Gay?" section, and I have to say, it doesn't matter if you have proof or not. Are you happy? Do you see yourself being able to continue on this way with this level of happiness? What if you found out he definitely WASN'T gay - would that make any of his actions more bearable? Would all the rest of the issues in your marriage suddenly clear up from such a proclamation?
If you see nothing changing, and you therefore being continually unhappy, then it comes down to this: this man either cannot or will not change. The reason doesn't matter - you're still dealing with all the garbage every day that makes you unhappy. Is that okay with you?
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Lisa4kids
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Re: I can't stop looking for signs
Would hemorrhoid cream be something a secretly gay man would need or hide his usage of?
He got super defensive when I mentioned I couldn't find mine. "Well I haven't seen it!!!!" I said "okay I was just saying I need to get some" then he said "well okay!" In a very agitated tone of voice.
Sorry if that's TMI. I have been having GI issues... big shocker.
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: I can't stop looking for signs
Lisa4kids wrote:
Would hemorrhoid cream be something a secretly gay man would need or hide his usage of?
He got super defensive when I mentioned I couldn't find mine. "Well I haven't seen it!!!!" I said "okay I was just saying I need to get some" then he said "well okay!" In a very agitated tone of voice.
Sorry if that's TMI. I have been having GI issues... big shocker.
You may be seeing his paranoia. When you have a secret it seems anger is a defense mechanism. See my
phone apps thread for living in a house on eggshells. You can try to choose your words carefully but with me
it became remain silent ..any word would set her off. I'm not saying he reached that stage yet but its not unexpected or a good sign..
I see this paranoia or defensiveness to everyday words to this day even after divorce...luckily it reminds to me to keep any communication terse and on topic.
ie.
Me; I'll pick up the kid no problem.
Her: I drove him last time, I drive him all the time.
Last edited by Rob (April 7, 2017 10:24 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- maresyd
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Re: I can't stop looking for signs
Lisa4Kids....
Please put your energy of wonder into the wondering what life would be like without having to deal with all of this BS. You know. There's no point in looking for "proof". It's holding you back. You may never understand why. You may never get a truthful answer from him. He may not even know himself.
I agree with Kel and Rob. Would you stay in this unhappy marriage without getting your needs met even if you thought he was straight? Sounds like no.
He's hiding things from you, and every time you question anything he's acting like it's an accusation. We've all been there, and where it ends is in fighting and gaslighting.
Do yourself a favor. Use all this energy of wonder to start building a new life for yourself and your kids.
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- phoenix
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Re: I can't stop looking for signs
Lisa,
I think that Kel and Rob and mare and myself are identifying that you are suffering from shock due to the trauma of your current situation. This is perfectly OK, there is nothing wrong with you. I think everyone in your situation (ourselves included) went through this stage.
We will all agree that there is nothing wrong with you for all of the questions and digging you are doing to find the truth. But we are suggesting to you that perhaps it's time for you to put your energy into moving forward. You know the truth already in your heart. You should accept that he will not own up to the truth because he isn't ready to share his secret. So you might never get the 100%, caught red-handed, no way to dispute it truth. But that's ok.. you don't need that. Trust your instincts and feelings and know that you are correct.. and trust the fact that even if you don't have proof that he's gay, you still haven't been in a good marriage and you deserve better.
So, we are hoping that you can find peace in your decision to move forward and start channeling your thoughts and energy into the process of moving forward. It will serve you better in the long run.
I've seen people get stuck for years in this rut of wondering if it's really true and they continue to suffer and never actually move forward.
We're all here rooting for you.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Koala
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Re: I can't stop looking for signs
So true.. It's so easy to be stuck in the marriage trying to not see what we saw all long.. Getting on with our lives for our own happiness is the way forward.