Duped,

It's all a show.  I mean, if they didn't cherish us and want happiness for us before, then why the change in behavior?  Because it's manipulation.  Because they're scared that if they don't please us now, they stand to lose something.  And it doesn't matter WHY they are so scared to lose it.  It may be because we are their beard and they can't imagine being able to not blow their cover without a spouse, kids and house.  It may be because if they lose us, they feel like they aren't achieving the American dream.  It may be because we are kind, loving, and cook and clean (a live in maid!).  It may be for financial security.  Whatever it is, it ISN'T because they truly desire us and love us in the way a straight person is supposed to love their spouse.  They're not capable of that - just like you couldn't suddenly be able to want to be into someone of the same sex.  You just don't have it in you.

Just because they feel they need us doesn't mean they truly want us.  And just because they want us doesn't mean they want us for the right reasons.  I don't want to have to jump through hoops to be good enough for someone to want me.  You either do, or you don't.  There are plenty of straight men out there that I could probably learn to live with, even though I may never feel attraction to them (even if they were considered traditionally attractive).  I may never have *it* for them, even though I could probably make a life with them - especially if they were totally into me and made me feel good about myself.  And maybe if that person decided to leave me, it might panic me, too - maybe because I feel that my children need to have an intact family.  Or because I can't imagine being able to pay all the bills or raise the kids and keep the house all myself.  That STILL doesn't mean I have *it* for them.

I'm in my mid 40's now.  I suffered through 16 years of a mediocre marriage, and now I'm in a fantastic one.  I know I'm spoiled now.  If my husband were to suddenly die, I'm not sure I'd ever go out there again and seek out another relationship.  And that's because I could never top this.  I've had *IT*.  And I couldn't settle for less ever again.  And I doubt that I'd be struck by this lightening bolt of love like this again.  He's a once-in-a-lifetime kind of guy.  I'd rather be alone forever than settle for less than this again.  NO.ONE who feels anything less than everything for me will ever do again.  I would just be constantly disappointed.

Kel