Lisa, 

Your husband is gay. 

None of those examples you gave leaves any gray area about his sexual attraction.  A woman's intuition is almost always correct about these things.  However we tend to believe what our heart wants to believe and ignore what our brains tells us.  

Some obvious signs of a gay in denial (GID) husband = not wanting sex with his wife, hidden liasons, anal stimulation toys, overtly anit-homosexual statements to convince others he isn't gay, and some deep dark secrets he admits to have but won't disclose even with his wife.  You didn't mention gay porn or gay hookup websites, but I assume he is into those as well.. you just haven't discovered it or didn't mention it. 

We often like to ask this question from a different perspective.  If you throw out the gay thing, would you have a healthy marriage?  Is it ok for a spouse to withhold sex, reject the other, and even shame them?  He even admitted to punishing you?  That's not OK for any spouse... these are not signs of a mutual loving relationship.  

I'm sorry you find yourself here.  You have some soul-searching to do and there won't be any easy answers.  We are here for you, please feel free to share and ask questions and vent when you wish.  We have lived through the same pain.. many of the examples you gave are identical to that of many other women here so we share the same experiences.  I too was married for 16 years to a GID spouse who rejected me constantly, emotionally abused me by making me feel guilty for suspecting what turned out to be true, and ultimately cheated on me and betrayed me.  I don't wish that on anyone.. but I now have an opportunity to use my past to help others through their own journey. 

Please consider finding a therapist to talk to.  You will need some professional help to help you sift through the emotional baggage and help approach some kind of resolution. 

Please draw in a support system that you can trust and talk to and hug.  Whether this is family or close friends or a local Str8 Spouse group.  Please don't try to go through this all by yourself.  You don't have to keep his secret to your own detriment.  Clearly don't maliciously out him.. but don't make your own life worse to protect an abuser. 


Praying for you and your kids Lisa.  

Last edited by phoenix (April 4, 2017 9:51 am)

It's hard to snoop and it's hard not to snoop.  You feel like you need to find the evidence to prove it's true, so you want to snoop, but then you feel guilty for doing it, and the pain you cause yourself by seeing what you find is horrible.  Do what you feel is best for you. 

One thing you should accept early in this process is that he will most likely never admit to you that he's gay.  This is the deepest, most closely held secret a person can have and he has spent his whole life hiding it.  So, he will lie to you to keep the secret and he will never admit that it's true.. even if you catch him with a smoking gun.. he will have already made up a lie to explain it before he even does it. 

I encourage you to find peace in your observation.  Too many of the people on this forum gave up additional years trying to get the truth or proof before they felt like they could move on.  Other people (Kel for example) never got proof, but just knew it and didn't waiver and they were able to move on and rebuild and find happiness more quickly. 

We are here for you!

 

Lisa4kids,

As I look back at my snooping that turned into doubt/fear/then shock...there is a name for it ..in the beginning..
its called "cognitive dissonance" .   We don't want to believe what we see so we come up with all kinds of explanations for it.    In my case ,    my then wife was seeing a lot of girlfriend at odd times and texting her all day and all night.  Then she stopped coming near me physically in anyway.   Would not let me touch her..      The evidence became so overwhelming  and was so blatant and obvious that I would start shaking.   There was no excuse my mind could come up with to explain away the evidence.      Of course I snooped and found out how horrible it was.

So you say you don't know  but I'm saying  you really do.. Finding more evidence will not make it better..only cause you to suffer more..  His actions and words  (lies) say all there is to know.    Our minds want to believe our spouses are good people that would not hurt us.    But it's turns out that is not true.
Or like me perhaps you're snooping but then thinking " what am I doing?..why do I have to snoop?  What kind of spouse hides things like this?   Why do I have to live this way?        Snoop, but don't think the solution can be found in that ...at some point my family finally convinced me to stop ...that I know what I would find and it would not change anything.

So I think you are leaving the disbelief stage and entering the shock stage.  It is a shock.   First ..breathe..take a step back..do not do anything rash or sudden .    Be kind to yourself and treat yourself kindly.  You did nothing wrong.  It is not you.  You need to gather strength and build your support system.   Don't worry about him...he most certainly is not worrying about you.    In sentence, and I had to hear it from my psychiatrist.. you are abused..  No spouse that withholds sex for years is treating their partner in a loving way..it is emotional abuse.     It was a shock to me to hear this but my psychiatrist  (a stranger) was right.    We have kids ..we need to face reality. 

Start taking small steps ...discretely and deliberate as you can with whatever pace you can muster.  You 
took the fist step by posting here.    We're here.     Start building your support system. Those kids need a strong, fierce, sane, un-abused mother that puts them first.   Your husband lying to you and causing you this suffering is not putting the kids first.    


A sincere e-hug  (sincere and authentic because I know we don't get many of those kind).

 

Go lisa..go.  make your plans and do what you need to do for you and kids.

Depending what state you live in your husband will need to give you money anyway after you separate.  For now..stick to your plans and try to maintain status quo for the kids..

..."
am met with much resistance. I'm starting my own business and was accused of doing so to have sex with lots men.."

That's a new one for the books here on SSN.  It would be one of those times that I would be speechless and mouth agape...
We could all write a book with the rediculous and preposterous things we have heard and witnessed.

I think that statement sums up what your dealing with..   possessive but treats you badly...a false sense of reality.
Jealousy and fear mixed into a statement. No support..all about him.  I don't think you'll find his reasons in snooping but you might find..hidden bank accounts, more gay crap, etc.


Just go forward..small steps.however long it takes ..you'll find your steps add up to help you.

All of us here understand your need to make sense of how he could do this to you. Unfortunately, you never will. If you did, it would mean that you thought like him. And you don't. So you don't get it.  And that's good.

It's okay to want him to be happy. But he's already got his own happiness in 1st place - don't YOU put his needs there, too.  Otherwise there's literally no one to put YOUR needs first. Be your own advocate. You deserve it.

Kel