OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » I am in pain, and would like to be heard

Hope · March 29, 2017 5:04 pm

Dear community, long post ahead. But please read. I need to be heard. I could use some solidarity and support. There is no support circle in my city. Only one friend knows about my story, but that doesn't feel enough. Here I'll try to share some of it with you:

I am a 30 year-old straight woman. I left my husband last year. I was going through a big personal transformation, seeing more truth in my life as a result of a health challenge. One of the more difficult truths to acknowledge was that something was terribly wrong with my marriage. I was doing it all to deserve more love and attention, but not getting it. Instead, there was emotional abuse, and my husband carried severe narcissistic traits, just like my mother did. In our 7 year relationship, (3 years of marriage) there were times of sexual abuse. I allowed it. So he wouldn't go to other women. Because that he did so many times. We're talking about at least 10 women over the course of 7 years. It left me broken in all places. To the outside world, I was a high achieving, strong, independent woman. I poured my resources, energy, time, money, skills, into him and his life. And that wasn't enough either. Neither of us could fill the dark black hole in him. Waking up to the fact that I was slowly dying, I left. My intuition told me to do so. I was already waking up to the fact that he was a narcissist, and no matter what I did wouldn't change him. But my intuition told me there was more: "leave, and you will see more truth." So I did.

5 months later, I was dating a man who was really into me. He was a romantic guy, unlike my ex. He liked showing affection. He was kind. He showed he cared about me. And he was really attracted to me sexually. A day after our first weekend getaway together, having experienced a huge contrast, a knowing washed over me: My ex, who is legally still my husband, was gay. I felt like hit by a truck. This was 4 months ago. Since then, I have been researching, remembering, realizing, learning. I won;t share the details. Just know that all I have is a big confirmation. My past is still being rewritten. I am still putting things together. At first, I engaged with this topic on a mental level, as a theory. A few days ago, I entered the emotional phase. Deep grief, anger, sadness, disappointment. I feel used. All the cheating and not enoughness blindsided me. I was gaslighted so much, and my senses were played on so frequently that I wasn't present to any kind of truth in my relationship. I knew he had self-hatred. I was so hopeful I could save him from his self-hatred. Instead, I became a target for his projections.

Things that anger me most about myself:
Giving my all to him, and ending up with a burnout, and financial difficulties.
Spending 7 years, almost all of my 20s with a man who apparently hated me for being a woman.
Thinking that I wasn't beautiful/sexy/feminine/loveable enough.
Ending up with low self-esteem.
The fact that we were living a fake life. He kept telling me I was the one with a problem. I believed him.
I would have supported him, had he been willing to look the truth in the face. I am angry at him for being so full of BS and still trying to fool those around him.
I feel stuck in the closet with him.
I still have hope that maybe one day he will come out, and I will feel free, and will even support him. See the problem in this scenario?

I have a way of being in this world. I have a way with emotions, looking into darkness, and transmuting it to light and joy. But I need something specific where I am at in my journey. I have a need to be heard.

I want to go share this with someone other than just one friend who no longer lives in the same city. I want to go yell out on the streets. That of course I won't. But there is a piece of me that needs to be heard, witnessed. I spent so many years trying to understand why he cheated on me so many times, and why I accepted him back each time. Why he was treating me the way he was. What was wrong with me? Now that I have the answers, I want to invite more people in to this reality. What kept me in the abuse in the first place was not sharing it with others. Now I want to share.

But then again, how can you share something like this with anyone, if the person in question is still living a life of fake perfection, and no vulnerability. I don't have the guts to confront him. Narcissists don't do well when confronted, especially when it is about a topic they deny even to themselves. Though we both received modern education, and ended up as western intellectuals, we were born and raised in a patriarchal culture where there is a lot of homophobia. I suspect, though he is the most progressive scholar you can meet, his shame and self hatred goes really deep.

See, I can't stop sympathizing with him. But what about me? Now, where do I start?

Thank you!

maresyd · March 29, 2017 6:34 pm

Hi Hope,

Welcome to this amazing group of people, and sorry you found us. Keep talking. We all were in the closet with our spouses/partners one way or the other.

One thing you wrote struck a chord. Why confront him? You know your truth. You know what you want, and what you don't. You now know what the possibilities are. I consider myself a possibilitarian as well. I try to turn everything into joy and light. But I'm still human.

When I went through this 15+ years ago, I asked the same questions you did. I blamed myself, an intelligent, educated, seemingly self-aware, strong, independent woman. I thought of all the things I would do differently. It did me no good, until I faced up that I could not save him or the world. I could only be responsible for me, how I react, who I wanted to be.
The future can bring all sorts of amazing things. But for now, you. All you. Everything YOU want. Keep moving in that direction, and lean on others here for support.
It's time to care about you. Open the closet door and step out, and keep moving.

Peace as you walk. We are all here to support you.

Rob · March 29, 2017 6:57 pm

Where can you go for help and support?

One would think there is lots of support out there but...

Except for a local SSN group/person, a therapist($$) or here there are very few people that can wrap their heads around TGT.

I leaned on family and friends and they are and were a godsend but they didn't know how to process TGT. Support for the cheating and abuse yes. An ear to listen..yes..
But very hard for help with the gayness.

I suggest if you have no local ssn to try to find a divorce group or trauma/ptsd group. My priest was helpful. My local ssn people in the beginning were a godsend.
Find support where ever you can.

It amazes me to this day what an army we need to help us with these gay spouses.

Last edited by Rob (March 29, 2017 11:18 pm)

Foolme · March 30, 2017 2:40 am

Welcome Hope but so sorry you have to be here. You have amazingly clarity for someone just 4 months on from realisation. Keep telling yourself you know the truth now, I know we look back (we have to of course), I don't think we can move forward without analysing the truth of our past (I do that a LOT) but what I keep telling myself is THIS is better than still being in the darkness of someone else's closet. I was 25+ years in that closet (28+ years married, 32+ together) but the future is ours and hopefully we'll mould a good one for ourselves when our processing is done.

I know you regret your 20s and you're entitled to but rejoice you didn't forfeit your 30s & 40s or more.

I get you want to scream the truth and you feel cheated you may never get to (you deserve to shout your truth from wherever you feel like shouting it) and maybe one day you will. Perhaps look on it as the long game, you're processing it, analysing your past, moulding your future and hopefully one day the truth will surface. Your ex husband probably won't ever be his true self until he acknowledges that he's gay but that's not your concern for now. A saying that goes around here is "not my monkey, not my circus", I find I say that a lot.

The majority of these spouses are narcissists, I didn't see it in mine until after TGT, it took me about a year POST outing to actually realise that's what was making him act out the way he is, still to this day he insists (to our kids) that we can't be friends until I accept some of the blame for what happened!!!! He sees himself as the only real victim in all this and he may always see it as that, I have no control over that, I just have to keep myself safe and secure in knowing I'm not all the things he's saying I am.

I hope you still have that wonderful man to restore your faith in yourself, restore the confidence in you as a vibrant physical woman with plenty of life and love left to give to someone deserving. And if he's not still on the scene well he helped you see those things and there's better for you down the road.

I too find myself sympathising with my STBX and I can't understand how I still feel strangely protective of him on one level but want to knife him on another. We went into marriage with our true selves exposed, feeling we were receiving their true selves, this wasn't the case.

Keep posing Hope x

phoenix · March 30, 2017 12:07 pm

Welcome to our family Hope.

I'm glad you picked "hope" as your user name. Please read that frequently and try to identify with it. We need to find hope to get through this struggle.

There are so many emotional observations that you made that fit me perfectly as well.
I was committed to my ex. I gave her 16 years of marriage and had two kids and walked on eggshells for most of those years trying to keep her happy. My self-esteem is garbage because I never felt desired and because whenever I communicated my fears and lack of trust she convinced me that I was the problem and a bad person for not trusting her. I'm still stuck in her closet because if I tell my story publicly it will come across as malicious and me trying to harm her.
Anyway, I mention these things about my own life to let you know that you are not alone. Your experience is like mine and so many others here. Your feelings about your situation are VALID. You are right to feel this way. It's not your fault! You are not wrong.

I want you to try to accept something early on in this process. It's going to be very hard, but if you can accept it soon it will save you years of pain in the future. Your husband might not ever admit that he is gay. He will almost certainly never ask your forgiveness and admit that he has wronged you. You need to decide in your heart that you know the truth and don't look to him to validate it. Just make the call and move forward with your life.

The confusing part is that he had affairs with 7 other women?? I think many of us would see that as a sign that is not gay or perhaps a sign of bi-sexuality. But I have an idea about why gay men have affairs with women sometimes.. I think they are trying to heterosexual and thinking that if they can just find the right woman that they will be able to enjoy them. Imagine you are a tea drinker, but you want to be a coffee drinker instead. So you pick a coffee and convince yourself you can learn to love it. But you just can't.. so after a while you think that you just need to find a different coffee.. surely there must be a type that you will love. So you keep trying different coffees.. I think gay men do the same with women. It's an effort to convince themselves they like coffee and perhaps if they get caught cheating on their first coffee they will at least not have to reveal that they are really tea drinkers.

A couple more thoughts for you for today.
1.) Consider that it actually doesn't matter if he is gay or not for you to know that you need to divorce him and move forward with your life. His cheating and abuse are more than enough to identify that he is not a good husband. You don't need to live the rest of your life with mistrust or fear. So don't hinge your decision to get away from him on whether or not he is actually gay. Remember that you won't likely get that confirmation from him anyway.
2.) You mention wanting to be heard. I want our whole community to be heard. We are the forgotten sufferers in a society where "coming out" is now celebrated. If you want to be heard, make yourself heard.. step up and yell it from the rooftops if you are comfortable doing that. Consider writing a blog, submitting to huffpost or chumplady or hundreds of other online editorial sites. If that is what you feel led to do.. go for it. Don't live your life in his closet. The abused should never be required to keep the secret of the abuser.

Kel · April 3, 2017 2:27 pm

Hi, Hope -

I know deep in my bones that you're going to be okay. You may not have had much clarity before, but it seems to me that you're making up for lost time. With clarity comes some heavy truths. And when we find out that we've been deceived and manipulated, it's devastating. I love your line of "My past is still being re-written". How appropriate for our situation.

I agree with Phoenix, above. You don't need them to admit the truth for it to be THE truth. Your ex willingly being in a darkened room has no bearing on the fact that the sun has come up again. He can claim he doesn't see the sun, but that doesn't mean it's not there. We all want validation and to be apologized to when we've been wronged - but please don't let your mental sanity and happiness hinge on it. Otherwise you may never be happy and healthy again.

You get to tell your truth however and whenever you want, dear. People don't have to agree with you. Hell, they don't even need to think you're nice. If that's what you want, you're too worried about what everyone else thinks. Just worry about you - what your feelings are, what you think is best for you, how you want to move forward. Don't be afraid to listen to advice, thank the person who gave it to you, and then do absolutely nothing with it. People typically tell you what would resonate with THEM, not what they think will resonate with YOU. It's also easy for them to hand out advice that's much easier said than done. My bff told me several times that she didn't know if I should get divorced (this was when I was still contemplating it, and didn't know for sure and certain that the ex was gay.) She would say, "I mean, I know you're not happy. But he's so...... nice. He cooks, he cleans, he's a decent dad." And then I'd say, "Yeah, I know. But..... if YOU and (your husband) never had sex, YOU never felt desirable or attractive, and sex was perfunctory and devoid of feelings, how would YOU feel?" And she was like, "My.GOD. I couldn't handle that. Leave! Leave!" Lol. Just goes to show you that people can think that you're made of steel unless they put themselves in your shoes. They THINK they are - but they are not. Once they do, they'll have very little reason to judge you. If they wouldn't be willing to switch situations with you, then your life is NOT one that THEY'd want. Period.

Are you still dating the man who made you feel loved and desired? I realize that seeing how your ex SHOULD have been (by comparison) is what made you see what the truth about your past really was. But is there any way to process this while still surrounding yourself with someone who makes you feel wonderful? I did go through some of my processing with my current dh in the picture. He was patient because he didn't want to lose me. But mostly, he helped by being to me what I wished I'd had all along. And then I realized that I was truly happy. I stopped mourning the past when I realized I was holding my future in my hand - and that it was so much brighter and more amazing than my past ever could have been.

Best to you -

Kel

lily · April 3, 2017 4:35 pm

Hi Hope,

You seem to be to have a clear handle on this. And I think perhaps the struggle is about still loving him - I don't have this problem, I stopped loving my ex. Took 37 years but learning he was gay and hiding it did the trick. As you say, it rewrites your past. I think of him as a wolf in sheep's clothing - the thing is everyone reads that fairy tale and thinks well I would see that he had a fleece tied to his back - no the whole point of a wolf in sheep's clothing is nobody sees through the disguise. I was seeing my own qualities reflected in the mirror on the closet door - not him, he was hiding himself, feeling hard done by, resentful. There is nowhere where he thought about my happiness, other than to destroy it - people like him want to share their misery in a petty kind of way.

The contrast between that and a straight man who loves you is night and day.

Be kind to yourself at all times. Don't think you did anything wrong in the way you were with him, you will be okay. The worst bit is the bit after finding out. Having spent all my adult life with my ex I likened it to waking up in the burns ward of life. It does ease with a bit of time. And you are doing well.

all power to your elbow and wishing you all the best in your future, I can't help thinking it will be good.

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March 29, 2017 5:04 pm #1

I am in pain, and would like to be heard

March 29, 2017 6:34 pm #2

Re: I am in pain, and would like to be heard

March 29, 2017 6:57 pm #3

Re: I am in pain, and would like to be heard

March 30, 2017 2:40 am #4

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March 30, 2017 12:07 pm #5

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April 3, 2017 2:27 pm #6

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April 3, 2017 4:35 pm #7

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