That's how you can get free credit reports to make sure that he has not opened any accounts in your name.

Thank you everyone for your posts. Eliza I think you're very courageous to have confronted him. Get ready for a final frenzied attempt to keep you. This often includes: a renewed interested in sex; lots of promises; and (as he's demonstrated) frenzied efforts to win over your friends & family. Just keep repeating to yourself and your husband, "You're gay, gay/straight marriages don't work, and I'm unhappy." Please keep sharing. In response to Stonehouse's latest post:

1. Hi all. It's been a week or so since I wrote, because I'm lost on what to do next.

Take all the time you need Stonehouse. Please keep in mind that it took many of us months, years, and even decades to heal from our own gay/straight marriages. Whatever pace you've chosen is the right pace for you and your family.

2. My husband and I have had a distant relationship, filled with lots of absences and lack of attraction on his part and resentment on mine. Couples therapy showed me he was not going to change, but I made the decision to stay because of our kids.

My former wife and I also tried to stay together "for the kids." It lasted about 18 months and we were all miserable. Please keep in mind that your children are learning about relationships from the way their parents interact. I think this is why so many children of alcoholics eventually marry alcoholics. Similarly, children from violent homes sometimes learn to associate love with violence. Do you want your children to have your marriage?    

3. Fast forward a few years, and I discover weeks of daily Craigslist ad prowling in our hometown and nearby areas. At least 75% are men seeking men. He has since denied all interest in men, saying he looks at lots of things, and says he would never cheat. His history is now emptied daily. I took STD tests which all came back negative. I cant find any evidence of emails, texts or phone calls. I can't find anything, anywhere.

Given my own experience, he's gone from watching gay porn to hooking up with men. His excuses are bullsh*t and the fact that he's hiding things so well is pretty damning proof that he's cheating. You're very lucky your tests all came back negative and I'd urge you to stop all sexual activity with your husband. If he asks why, just tell him the truth: you're cheating on me with men and I don't want to catch AIDS.  

​4. What do I do now? In my heart I feel there are too many red flags over the years (I will forego details). Do I consult a lawyer based on my intuition and his search history? Hire a PI? What would you do?

​That's really your decision Stonehouse. Some fellow members have suggested fast action which you might consider. I feel however that you're still looking for proof he's gay. This normally suggests you're still holding on to the hope that you can stay married. So I'm not sure if you're ready for full-blown divorce. You wrote, "I will forego details" which is understandable because such details can be a bit embarrassing...for both spouses. But I'd suggest you start by sharing EVERYTHING here. Why? There is freedom in no longer protecting your husband nor hiding his secrets. No one is going to judge you and many straight spouses will learn from your journey.

​So I'd recommend the following approach:

​1.  Post your entire story here, either on this thread or create your own.

​This will feel uncomfortable at first because you've likely been in your husband's closet for many years. But it's time to start letting go. At first, we were all nervous about sharing here. Why? Because we felt that by holding on to our secrets we could some how deny or bargain with the truth: gay men simply cannot remain happily married to straight wives.

​2. Have a conversation with a survivor.

​Call the Straight Spouse Network (773-413-8213). Share your story, get contact details for someone in your area, or attend a SSN meeting in your city/state. This is a time when you need love and support. It's important to know you're not alone.

​3. Post Here 

​You can take a month or two and post here as much as you like. You've probably spent years feeling alone and now have a safe place to share, rant, or just cry (virtually).

4. Make a Plan

​Once you've detached emotionally from your husband, you can then start planning your next steps. Keep in mind that your husband's biggest secret is also likely his greatest weakness. He doesn't want his family and friends to know that he's gay. If you can gather irrefutable proof that he's watching gay porn, hooking up with men, and lying about both, this may help you during future divorce proceedings. But I'd suggest working through steps 1-3 before 'going nuclear.'

​I hope that helps in some small way my friend. Be well. You're loved, appreciated, and most importantly you're not alone!  


 

Last edited by Séan (March 30, 2017 10:38 am)

Thank you for sharing Lostdad. Whether gay or straight, I think we can agree this is a long and very painful process. It's about two spouses coming to terms with and accepting their marriage is truly over. One very big step is when a straight spouse posts here for the first time. But that's just the start of a long journey. If you have any questions for a gay ex-husband, please feel free to post them here. 

Ditto foolme..me too.

Sean, My ex when I saw her recently gave me bad looks and still acted like I did something wrong.  The divorce is still too raw.

Its a still a real mind fck because the only thing I'm guilty of is loving her and being a faithful husband.  So many of her hurtful words came to mind..foolme she had already  said that I cheated.  Of course perhaps all the memories of the divorce come up I guess where I fought all her crazy demands. 

Knowing my ex I have to accept that she can hold a grudge for a lifetime. .even if it's false..  her holding the grudge makes it true ..to her..I cannot do anything about it.  I divorced her..I've accepted it and will move on.  I expect no further kindness from her in this lifetime.  I have to live my life knowing in my bones I remain a good person..her acting like I'm not does not make it true. That strong empathy and kindness I have is real ..she cannot take it away.

I think someone like Sean is the exception to narcissism.

Last edited by Rob (April 2, 2017 6:38 am)

Thanks for your reply Sean.........yeah I guess I've to look forward now and try to leave the past in the past, Roll on divorce date!