Hi NH - welcome.  I know it hurts.  It sucks.  I too did the therapist thing with my in denial ex, then the wishing thing, then a different therapist.  After a few years of this I realized that I could either flounder exactly like this for the rest of my life or I could cut my losses and get out.  The difference here is that it sounds like you already know the truth.  You already know she fell for a woman and joined a group for this.  The sooner you move on, the sooner you will start to heal. 

I know this probably isn't the answer you want but for many of us, after years of trying to make it change, we've found that moving on and starting to heal is the best answer.  Please keep coming here for support. 

Hi NHdad, 
Sorry you are here but glad you found us.  Keep posting.  We all understand in a way we wish we didn't. 

To live authentically, it sounds like you at least know what you can and can't live with.  That's a big thing.  
Keep walking, even if it is baby steps.  You can still be parents to your 9 year old, and the hurt will become less and less.  You can do this. 

We are here to support....M

Thanks everyone.

I took my first step today.
I work in management and I pulled the rest of the management team i work with to let them know the crap i'm going through. I felt it helps them understand if i seem off.
We're a tight group and it went well for me.

But this helped make it real and can start the acceptance of my situation.

NHdad, 

Welcome to our family.  I'm so sorry you are hurting.  I remember the pain vividly.  I too lost my wife to a woman she worked with.  I too watched her slip away from me based in part on the influence of social media and her circle of lesbian friends.  I too have children and have had to watch her selfishness hurt them as well.   I feel your pain my friend.  Welcome to a place where you can find others who understand how you are feeling.  You are welcome here, we are here for you.  

This is a support group.. please feel free to give us the opportunity to support you.  You are welcome to post as much as you want and feel comfortable with.  Just the act of typing out and explaining your feelings is great therapy.  Sharing them with others who can respond and validate your emotions and help offer advice based on a shared experience is incredibly helpful.  

Rob's advice above is spot on..  
1.)  Gather a support group.  The biggest mistake we make is trying to keep this a secret and deal with it alone.  She lied to you and took advantage of you by marrying you.  Please don't feed into the idea that she just found about her same sex attraction at this late stage in life.  Don't buy the line that "this is her private life and you are not allowed to talk about it with anyone".   It's your life too and you are allowed to tell your story.  Not maliciously of course.. you're not going to post anything derogatory on facebook for the world to see..   But you are free to reach out to some close family and friends to build a support network to help you get through this.  It's your life too!
2.)  Take care of yourself.  I had some rough weeks where I was in utter depression. I had to take time off work, get medicine for anxiety and stress and lack of sleep and find a therapist to talk to for myself.  As men i think we are often to proud and think of these actions as signs of weakness..  They are in fact signs of strength and wisdom.  Please consider helping yourself so that you can be strong for your son and have the endurance to get through these tough times. 
3.)  Start educating yourself on divorce if that is the route you choose.  You can get a free consultation from one or more attorneys.. ask some questions like, "what mistakes should I avoid?".  As Rob said.. DO NOT leave your home.  


Let us know how we can help.. 

 

I've considered changing my screen name, but just haven't done it yet.   I am no longer lost.  I've been through the fire and been reborn.. perhaps I should call myself a phoenix. 

You'll get there too!  You'll shed many more tears and go through a lot of hard days, but you will get through it and you will find happiness in the future and you will be a superhero for it.   

If you have some time, take a look at my thread.. it's long and boring at times.. but you'll see the transformation between my first tearful posts and how i view life today.  I'm not done with my journey.. still fighting, but life is dramatically better today than it was 9 months ago. 

I've gone through many a box of tissues while posting on this forum.. some for myself and some for my friends here.  I think we all cry for each other because we know the pain and we still remember it. 


My prayer for you is that you never find out that your wife cheated on you.  If she has had the integrity to stay faithful and be honest with you about her desires, then your journey will be much easier.  I respect my ex for trying to love me. .she didn't want to be a lesbian.. she wanted to make it work.  Sure she lied to me about her true self and that hurts.. but I know that she tried.   I don't hurt over that anymore.  I do still hurt about the betrayal.. she withheld physical intimacy from me and it was what i wanted most.. then she gave it to someone else while we were still married.  The infidelity and betrayal and her giving away that intimacy that belonged to me alone as her spouse was far more painful than realizing she wanted something else for her life. 

So.. I truly hope she hasn't cheated on you.  If that is the case I think you will eventually find that you can respect her and move your separate ways.