Thank you, Rob. I sure do appreciate your insight, our stories do sound very similar. And WTF was exactly how I felt, both times he blindsided me.

I am trying to be strong and not buy into everything he's trying to lay on me, but sometimes that's easier said than done.  I wish I could go back to being angry and stay there a little longer. Angry feels better and more powerful than hopeless and confused. I'm hopeful that when we do the marriage counseling it might be easier for me to speak my truth and have someone else call him out on his bullshit when he's using the guilty manipulation tactic. I know that's what it is, but I'll be damned if it isn't still somewhat effective.

I can't express enough gratitude to all of you for sharing your stories and thoughts and for listening to me. I find all your experience, strength and hope invaluable to me. Thank you all for helping me get through the day. I know that's all I really have to worry about for now. I don't have to figure it all out today, I only have to make it till bedtime tonight, and tomorrow will be a new day. As we say in the circles I run in, one day at a time.

Meanwhile, thank you for this safe, understanding place to share.

Ah, iamthelorax, I misunderstood your previous post. I am grateful to learn I'm not the only one that this narcissistic manipulation has worked on, but I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am hopeful that this is just part of the process and I will become more and more immune to it every time? Is this normal, to be expected, this delusional denial? This fear? It's just so awful at times it's hard to breathe.

I had been carrying on the pretty well this last  year without anyone really knowing I was struggling. It all feels fresh and raw and new again with this latest discovery. I do not understand why I seem to be having such an internal struggle with whether or not I should be a martyr. Which is not only irrational it's just dumb. I know I deserve better. I want my light back, it seems to be on a very, very low simmer these days, and I know I've got to take the necessary actions to get it back.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and I'm back to insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I need to quit struggling and trying to control the outcome, which is easier said than done.

And here I am going on and on again...and from internet acquaintance to internet acquaintance, I think you are all amazing and I appreciate your patience with me. More will be revealed, I am sure. Bless you, all of you, for speaking your truth and for being here.

Hi Treuth, even though there are some differences in our situations, be it Trans, Gay, Bi, SSA, whatever label covers each of our situations the similarities among us are striking, narcissistic manipulations and we were so unaware of it happening until it was too late. Boy if we could just turn back time on some of our lives, right? I wouldn't be without my three wonderful children but had I known the extent of the lies and deceit I'd have demanded more for myself.

Our struggles are very real, my truth was realised Oct '15, waiting to hear on my divorce date any day now, there's been a delay and more paperwork was requested this week.

You're not crazy, you're not a fool for being manipulated, hook winked and blindsided, these were all tactics engaged in by extremely manipulative people who knew the truth and knew how to keep that truth hidden. I was accused of "playing the game too", how can one know they're in a "game" when the rules are only known by one? To partake in a game the rules are explained and people have a choice whether to take part of not. All I can do it control how I behave and deal with the facts now that they're public knowledge and protect myself going forward.

It's the crazy that's been happening since the outing that I find despicable but it won't beat me, it won't dampen who I'm going to become...................one of these days ;-) They all transfer their guilt onto us and consider themselves the real and only victim in these situations - God love them, poor babies!!!!!!!!

Keep strong and know your truth, I hope couples counselling helps him see his bullsh*t! Be prepared for him to be so dug into his own trench that he may never be willing to admit his "faults"!

Hi Treuth,

My ex was gay in denial and now leads and openly gay lifestyle.  Two of my kids are the same age as yours, although my disclosure was about 6 years ago now.  I've been remarried and very much in love for several years now.  I don't have any experience in with trans issues, but I can say that a lot of what you've said your ex is saying is exactly what a lot of the gay in denial ex's here say/have said.  They act as if their issue is all about action - if there is no action on their part, then there is no problem.  I see it quite differently - I see it as by the time you see action, the problem has already grown quite large - to the point where it will never be dead.  If you're with someone who has gone down the road of hormone therapy for 6 months, you're not dealing with someone who has only a passing interest in transitioning.  He HAD to know that eventually, he'd be found out.  I mean, the entire process of hormone therapy is to change one's body into the opposite sex.  WHEN were you NOT going to notice that?  If you'd never found the meds but noticed one day that he'd grown breasts, was he planning on admitting the truth at THAT point, or was he going to gaslight you and act like you were crazy? (look up the term gas light.)  THEN he'd have to deal with this?  He's dealing with this now because you FOUND.OUT - NOT because he decided he didn't want to continue on that path.  He's told you already that he didn't want to be on that path, and you still kept finding evidence.  And the evidence had to be somewhat intentional - one doesn't just throw lingerie into the wash without knowing it.  Hell, if he's only wearing said lingerie for a few minutes/hours at a time, how badly could they need a wash, anyway???  So he's either wearing them alllll day, or doing something in them that makes them *dirty*.  Whichever it is, it's not benign - it's big.

I fully understand how you could feel beholden to him to see him through his challenging time after he saw you through yours.  And in some ways - the two issues are similar - neither of you will ever be rid of these maladies - you can only refrain from partaking in them.  HOWEVER, there is also some HUGE differences between the two issues.  For starters, you thinking about taking a drink but not doing so affects nothing. The desire is there, but iif you don't indulge, you have NO.PROBLEM.  It like an on-off switch for you.  His, however, is different.  His is a scale, and he seems to think that he can do some of what's in the gray area without it being "on".  Heck, he got all the way into black (fully on) with hormone therapy, and still thinks that he "just let it get a bit out of control".  THAT's what he thinks is a bit out of control?  I'd think that a "bit" out of control would be looking imagining his life as a female.  Or maybe reading a bit on it.  NOT cross-dressing, and hormone replacement therapy.  If that's where his line is, he will never stay completely away from this.

These desires don't go away.  EVER.  He may (or may not be) able and willing to control some of his actions.  But he cannot and will not stop himself from them controlling what he truly wants.  And he therefore will always be fighting with it, and himself - and YOU.  Because you represent the reason he's restraining himself.  Which spells inevitable resentment.  He already resents you - which is how he can so easily blame you.  And guilt you.  Because in his mind, it's YOUR fault.  He won't say that in words, but he's certainly telling you in other ways.  And you should keep your eyes open to all of that.

I think you've got a great head on your shoulders, so you'll wind up on your feet.  Please believe that.  In the meantime, try to keep in mind that he wasn't just doing something, he was becoming someone else entirely - without even so much as notifying you.  And when you figured it out, suddenly THEN he had a "problem" - one which he then deemed as one that he didn't want and was moving away from, and you needed to stand by his side to help him solve, lest you be deemed unloving and unsupportive.  The truth is, if you hadn't have found out when you had, he's still be doing this.  He didn't "decide" that he didn't want to do this - he got caught, and realized that he couldn't have his cake and eat it, too.  He's still going to try to figure out a way to do that - not because he doesn't love you, or because he doesn't value his marriage.  He's still going to try to figure this out because he's driven by an internal force that has NOTHING to do with anything outside of him.  One that tells him that he's in the wrong body, and life would be better if he were a female.  The truth is, that isn't what you signed up for.

I wish you the best -

Kel

Last edited by Kel (March 31, 2017 10:49 am)

Wow, Kel and lily, thank you. Your perspectives have given me the clarity I've desperately been seeking.  There is power in knowledge of the truth. I think you've both also given me a much-needed reality check. One I suppose I will continue to need as time passes.

I know that I will land on my feet, eventually, and I'm beginning to understand that this is definitely a process. A painful and ugly process, but I have faith that I will come out on the other side of it. Stronger, I'm sure, although that is hard to imagine right now.

Thank you all also for your kindness, support and encouragement.