OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

February 3, 2017 11:00 am  #1

Broken 'Gaydar'

Okay, please no one be offended by the title. But really, mine is broken...kind of like my memory. 

I never saw this coming with my partner, but every single day I see more that leads me to believe he still struggles with his sexuality. He wants SO badly to be normal. And he tries. Every morning, or nearly every other morning, we are intimate. About 80% of the time he can keep it up (he is also very overweight AND has serious health issues that disrupt his hormonal pathways) and be satisfied with his performance. He has awful performance anxiety, but he still tries. Over time I have come to realize it's a "not you, it's me" situation and be okay with that.
I myself have the same anxieties being raised in a household where if you had sex before marriage you were evil and would burn in hell (I was raped as a virgin and still struggle with powerlessness and awkwardness in sex). 

What I would REALLY love to know is, does anyone have experience with the questioning partner successfully turning a new leaf and changing? Is that even possible??
Either by way of working with their straight partner and/OR intensive therapy? My therapist tells me it is absolutely possible, and it could be why I am nervous about just up and leaving him. I am not a person who gives up at the drop of a hat, or as soon as something doesn't go my way. I stay par for the course as part of my personality. But that doesn't have as much to do with my situation right now as it does with me being in love with this man.

I don't want to wait 10 years or so before talking to him about this stuff, and would like to get it out in the open now. But he is SO sensitive about it, and often would lose his head whenever it got brought up. Clearly he is ashamed of his past, and worries what I must think of him. Give it a little more time?
Agh! Such an awkward place to be!!  

TIA. <3


February 3, 2017 2:28 pm  #2

Re: Broken 'Gaydar'

Hi, He needs some good counselling.  If he refuses leave him, if you can't right now then start finding a way to leave him.  If he's serious about 'changing' then he'll go to therapy.  If he's gay he can't change...period you live with it or leave.  I have no experience with male child molestation (your previous post) so there's nothing to back up my thought but I think it would affect his sexuality.  To be honest it comes up here often so I can't help but think it's influential. 
​I understand your desire to work on your relationship, I have that same need so if it ends I know I did everything I could.
​Good luck to you.


February 3, 2017 3:19 pm  #3

Re: Broken 'Gaydar'


There are no absolutes in any of this.  I think it's exceedingly rare, but I think possible for someone to change.  I think there are people who are legitimately bi-sexual and I've read that their attraction can fluctuate in either direction over time.  I've heard other people claim that there is no such thing and that people who claim to be BI are just afriad to admit they are actually gay.   So I don't know..  I tend to believe the former vs. the latter. 

If you read Sean's posts and many others here it seems that most believe that SSA is purely how a person is wired and it doesn't change no matter how much they desire. 

However, I personally think (and this is pure speculation) that there are circumstances where abuse or traumatic sexual issues could impact a person's attraction.  If an external influence caused something, then perhaps through therapy the impact could be healed or changed.  

I think, as vicky said, he NEEDS counseling.  I didn't say, it would be a good idea or might help or maybe..  I mean, he has real issues and NEEDS to go to a counselor.  

BTW.. he doesn't know it.. but what a lucky guy he is to have you.  To have you want intimacy on a daily basis despite his weight issues, health issues and questionable sexuality.  And to have you actively searching for a way to help him, to heal him, to find a solution..  what a lucky man.    You are a gem.  But you deserve an honest partner, so you need to figure out how to find that.  As you say.. Don't waste 10 years or more trying to find out.  You will be miserable and you deserve better. 

Last edited by lostdad (February 3, 2017 3:23 pm)

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


February 3, 2017 3:46 pm  #4

Re: Broken 'Gaydar'

Hi Vicky! 

Thanks for the response.

Yes, these are my thoughts precisely. But the question I guess is, will counseling make a difference? I wouldn't want to put him through that ringer again (he has been to a pyschologist already) if it's not going to work. 

He isn't refusing persay. He is merely balking. Which that in itself is making me nerve-wracked. I think, yes, if he is serious he would agree to go to therapy. Before I had recommended couples therapy. But seeing as what I am dealing with, he needs to go to therapy on his own. There is already so much shame and everything built up around it...
I just am not sure how to break the ice. What is a good time to even bring this up, this topic of still struggling with sexuality. I have valid concerns. 

We plan to be moving to the DC area in about two months. This move will bring both plenty of opportunity and freedom for the both of us. But my secret worry is that he will be more comfortable there because of the LGBTQ culture. It's very prevalent there, more than I thought it would be. So that makes me nervous. So should I wait before the move, after?? 

mind is a definite tangle of indecision. But I keep losing weight, sleep and hope with each day that passes. 

vicky wrote:

Hi, He needs some good counselling.  If he refuses leave him, if you can't right now then start finding a way to leave him.  If he's serious about 'changing' then he'll go to therapy.  If he's gay he can't change...period you live with it or leave.  I have no experience with male child molestation (your previous post) so there's nothing to back up my thought but I think it would affect his sexuality.  To be honest it comes up here often so I can't help but think it's influential. 
​I understand your desire to work on your relationship, I have that same need so if it ends I know I did everything I could.
​Good luck to you.


     Thread Starter

February 5, 2017 9:09 pm  #5

Re: Broken 'Gaydar'

For a long time I felt my gaydar skills were zero, and that is why TGT happened.  Lately I remembered all the guys that were hitting on my ex when we were dating.  I was one of many guys who were interested in her, so I don't feel bad about my gaydar anymore.  I just happened to be the one she married.


February 5, 2017 11:25 pm  #6

Re: Broken 'Gaydar'

Yeah tom...I asked friends from when we were dating also..nobody knew. 
My gaydar though is over sensitive now...  those girl sitting having coffee..gay...those women shopping ...gay.   

I basically don't believe I know how to judge anyone anymore

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

February 7, 2017 11:05 am  #7

Re: Broken 'Gaydar'

RAYDAR a system for detecting the presence of objects, by using electromagnetic waves.  Gaydar is similar - it's being able to sense or feel that an individual is gay by observing nuanced information - their body language, their voice inflection, what they seem to light up around.  In both cases, it's using "hidden" information to detect the presence of something.  Gaydar is an early warning sign.  But later, there are typically other signs that are less nuanced - lack of sexual attraction to straight individuals (you) than typical.  Hidden information and agenda.  Proofs, so to speak.  And when you look at those as being behaviors, you want to accept them.  But when you look at those behaviors as indicators of what's behind them, then you're on the right track.  It requires absolute honestly with one's self, even if the results aren't what you want.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

February 15, 2017 2:49 pm  #8

Re: Broken 'Gaydar'

My first question was why didn't I know he was gay - well he looked like a man, he was paying attention to me and I was too young to recognise that the easy friendliness which I was finding rather nice was lacking the intensity of him being sexually attracted to me.

He was paying attention to me, he would like to get me talking.  If I had been disinterested or looking over at another couple talking and getting to know each other I might have seen it quite easily - those signs Kel was talking about - my gaydar did go off when I first saw him - I thought ooh there's a drip on the end of his nose I don't like that.  I just dismissed that as rather mean and petty of me and not to pay attention but really it did matter, it was the only way I could express that lack of attraction I was sensing.

Rob - once your eyes are open you realise just how many gay people are married to straights.  Lots and lots and lots - I can confidently say that all the people I have got to know in my new location - it has to be more than ten percent of the marriages.  I have learned to be discreet in my observations all over again.  Mostly the straight doesn't know.  It's all very painful.  But then sometimes I open my big mouth and I say to this woman yes your nephew has a big stomach and yes that is a health issue - it's because his wife is a lesbian.  And some time later, it turns out she has spoken with her nephew about it and tells me he knows, and they have an open marriage.  but the nephew is loyal to his wife and when I looked in her eyes it seemed to me she knows she is hurting him and she really doesn't care, she is feeling triumphant in her power over him but it's in a petty kind of way.  And she has plenty of time with girlfriends.

my friend was quite shocked i could see it was a mixed marriage from such little time of meeting them - but it makes sense to me that once you've faced it in your own life you are more aware of it in others.


February 15, 2017 8:55 pm  #9

Re: Broken 'Gaydar'


Thanks yeah .  Me ex felt quite clever and triumphant over me.
Yes..now I see she knew she was hurting me and didn't care.  In the end..she wanted to hurt me as much as she could.  Still does...even though we are divorced and she has her new gay life.

And that scares me.  Its not normal.  Its taken me a long time to realize how sick and crazy she is.  Most woman can't be like this.  But how scary I can't tell.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

March 29, 2017 9:57 am  #10

Re: Broken 'Gaydar'

Hi All

Its been a long time since I visit or post here.  Funny thing, before I discovered that my husband might be gay, I never cared that when I met someone, he/she might be gay.  Only the obvious ones I could spot.  I thus had no gaydar.  Maybe that is why I could not tell that he was gay and still cannot spot anything that makes him gay. Neither can any of my confidants in this matter.

Larssongirl, my husband tries very hard to be "straight"and "improve our sex life".  Where we used to be intimate once a month, less then once a year... it is now every second night.  Problem is, he is still not turned on by my body.  There is a lack of real intimacy and passion that cannot be learned or faked.  And I feel it every time we have sex.  To me, there is no love involved so it is a meaningless act of him trying to convince me of something his not and me just wishing it was over already.  It is empty and makes me feel a world of hopelessness afterwards.  We are not happy by pretending or trying to be a straight couple.  
I am thus asking you.  Do you want him to keep keep trying so hard even if it takes him years?  Will you believe him when he tried and tried and one day tells you that he is straight now (or again)?  

I do not want to sound harsh, but I believed and never for one moment doubt the character of my husband. Discovering what he really is shattered my heart and almost destroyed my soul and faith. I lost complete faith in him.  I cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth.  Even now that he is trying sooo hard, there is always the little lies in between that reminds me to not trust him again. 

My opinion, a good liar can outsmart a lie detector, a priest, a psycologist and even a gaydar.  Gays are not evil, liars are.

Stand strong and be smart in this.  I wish you the best


Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum