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1 of 1- Linda
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hope for heartbreak
Okay my friends...just so you know, the forgiveness thing is coming slow. I have mentioned before that my GIDXH is now dating and will soon marry his new bride. (younger and pretty too!) This man is gay. There is no doubt. However, His hope (by removing the temptation from his home, seeing a counselor for three years, falling in love with a woman, serving God in our church and showing the world that he is not gay, will get him on the right track. Me: 26 years married to him, two wonderful daughters, giving up my home that we built together that they will share, going through the "empty nest", having to move into a condo (which I love by the way), Turning 60 this summer and being alone and lonely; while he is so busy with his life that he cannot even help take care of the pets which I now have full time in the condo which will be difficult when the snowbirds coming back (he agreed to take them for the summer and now has reneged. I still need to figure that out) So here is the thing. I want so much for this woman to totally break his heart!! TOTALLY! Is this revenge? Why is it that I don't care if it is? The jealous part of me is finally leaving. It is horrible and never thought I could feel it so. I know that I could and would not ever go back to him even when he wanted to, and I know I did the right thing in the divorce. Still, As I look back I have a difficult time accepting that he was deceiving me from when our girls were 6 and 4. The first nine years were good years (though now he tells me that we were having problems way before that). It has been very easy for him to blame me for much of the reasons for the break-up. The one that was funny was when he told me that when I caught him the first time and we went to counselling. I was embarrassed to tell the counselor that it was "gay porn" because I thought that "well, porn is porn right"? So the next time he was caught about eight or nine years later, and I told him that I didn't make him gay, he said: Well you didn't try to prevent it either" (referring to the last time I was shy to admit to counselor that it was gay shit. He would have a great way to make me feel that so much of his actions were my fault. I do remember the day of his confession when i asked him if I were 25 years old and looked like Rachel Welsh would it have made a difference? His reply: "probably not". So now I had hoped so much that his new love would have been a man or a tranny. anything but a real woman. It somehow makes me feel devalued which I know I am not. Time heals but as you all know, this type of betrayal is a wound that goes deeper than any other.
- phoenix
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Re: hope for heartbreak
Linda,
I can relate. I'm struggling along working on forgiveness as well. Part of forgiveness is letting go of the bitterness and the desire for revenge. That is hard to do because it's a deep guttural emotion. But I think it can be very freeing when you overcome it and find the peace that resides in the absence of that desire for revenge. If I get there I'll let you know what it feels like.
In my case, I don't want my ex to suffer and be sad or depressed. What I've wanted for the longest time is for her to "wake up". It's like she turned into a different human being.. she became a selfish child with an evil and hurtful heart instead of the compassionate, loving, caring person that she was for most of the years I knew her. I feel like she's possessed. As long as she is in love with the devil (the homewrecker) she will be under this spell. I want to (metaphorically - i would never hit her) slap her or throw a bucket of ice water on her.. (pick your metaphor for waking someone up from a nightmare). I still feel like there is a decent person in there. I want to rip off the blinders and shake her up and bring back the old person that I knew. I don't want to be married to her. I can accept that she's a lesbian and i won't love her romantically ever again.. but....
i want an apology.
i want her to wake up and see how awful she's been to me
and how much she's hurt our kids
just wake up and be a human being again.
but it won't happen
I'm the "bad guy".
I'm the controlling, judgmental jerk who tried to put her in a box and not let her be herself.
To deflect her shame and help her survive each day she had to create an enemy so that she could justify her actions.
How ironic that the person she treated worst and owns so much shame because of her actions against is the very person that she turns into the enemy so that she can deflect that shame.
So.. I won't get that apology. I will be her bad guy. And that's ok.. I chose not to let my life hang in the balance. I won't waste more energy on her and what she thinks. She is dead to me. The woman I married passed away and died. In her place is a shell of a person who is selfish and cruel. I will forgive her because she is no longer herself.
I will live my own life and it will be fruitful and blessed. I will be happier for the next 16 years than i was for the last 16 years.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Kel
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Re: hope for heartbreak
First off, while it sucks to lose out to the younger, prettier woman, I've been in the position once (loooong ago, with a straight boyfriend) of losing my man to someone who was downright homely. Someone who I KNEW I was prettier than. And you know what? It's WORSE. All I could think of at the time was, "WHAT does she have that I don't have?" I have always had a ton of personality, and this girl was as exciting as a wet blanket, and not much prettier. It was NOT easy to lose out to that. There was one time where the other person looked practically as though she could be my twin. That wasn't any easier (was I just a "type" for him???). Another time it was to someone completely opposite of me - I was Irish/Scotch, and the other person was Colombian. No matter how pretty Adele is, she's going to Sofia Vagara as prettier (and likely vice versa). Then you wonder if he got the WRONG type, and he was never attracted to you. It's never easy - NEVER.
As a matter of fact, I always thought it would be easier to lose my man to another man than to another woman. Why? Because it would mean that NO woman could satisfy him. I hadn't failed - he had (in telling himself and me the truth). Having had a gay in denial spouse wasn't easier - it's more complicated on so many levels. All the delusions and lying for sure. Losing something you love - for whatever reason - is heartbreaking. Losing your dream along with it hurts even worse.
Now..... repeat after me: "She can HAVE his sorry ass". She is welcome to the man who lies to himself, and therefore always to her. He can make it about what woman he's with, but that is NOT the issue. And he knows it - which is why he's trying to put such a show on for you - so YOU'LL believe it. Don't bite at that worm on the hook. Just keep telling him (IF the issue comes up) how happy you are for him. You're just overjoyed for the two of them, bless their hearts!
It was never about you, hon. "You didn't stop me" from being gay? That's the stupidest statement I've ever heard. He should see if he can be on Trump's panel of advisors. Lol. Anyone who's into the Bible and God and "doing the right thing" should know they can't hold anyone else responsible for THEIR behavior. Christ didn't say, "I wasn't supposed to scratch their eyes out and smite them, but..... well...... they got me ANGRY! Nope. Alllll his fault. Keeping him straight isn't supposed to be on your radar, much less on your to-do list. And by telling you that it wouldn't have mattered how beyond gorgeous you were, it wouldn't have mattered means that he knows that. Which MEANS that it won't work for HER, either. She will learn in time. He many never.
Be glad you got away from him before he stole another 20 years of your life.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Shari
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Re: hope for heartbreak
Kel,
I have not ever posted here before but felt impelled to post to tell you that your post, here, is very helpful to me. So, thank you!
Linda, I completely understand!!! I, too, would like I would want him to feel some of the pain...even just a smidgen. I know that I feel way more hurt, anger and all sorts of feelings when GIDH (hope I did that right) is seeking a female. You pretty much hit the nail on the head as far as why. But, TGT is totally new to me so I'm sure I'll have more feelings about it all. I just know that when I finally figured out TGT, my first reaction was a relief because I had thought it was several females he was chatting with (although that is still to be determined). I've felt like I was crazy feeling that way...and maybe I am. Time will tell but I just really despise the thought of that time and all of the shit we are going to have to face; the extreme pain I am and will continue to have to go through. Anyway, I understand how you feel. Whether or not you get over feeling that way, one thing is obvious: they won't last, at least not happily ever after. I am envious that you are at the point you are and seem to be doing well. Happy for you, but still envious.
- Kel
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Re: hope for heartbreak
Hi Shari,
Just so you know, the beginning is the hardest part - the confusion, the feelings of loss, the mourning the loss of the dream that you thought was your life, the shock of betrayal, the paralyzing fear that any decision you make will make it worse, the self-doubt from them gas lighting you, the pretending to be fine amidst ot all. It doesn't GET any worse than the beginning, hon. Don't be afraid to move forward - it's not any harder there than it is where you are now.
Take care of yourself - make decisions that are for your best interest. If you don't look out for you, who will? Be your own advocate. You can do this - I promise.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Rob
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Re: hope for heartbreak
Lostdad..I could have written your reply..word for word. My ex will never wake up. That good person I think is still in there is gone. Lost.
And I asked my priest for an exorcism and he said TGT did not qualify.
All we can do is get away.
Linda, to forgive them is hard but thank God you're away from him. The other poor lady can have him.
That he is seeing another woman shows how really fkked up he is. Thank your lucky stars you're away from that.
If my kids start telling me stuff about their mom I cover my ears and say lalalala..dont want to know.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7