Hi Mike,
 Sorry you are here. My wife had spoke a couple of years of bi feelings but did not act on them (as far as I know). Things began to change after the kids had moved out (we were married 27 years) then my mother passed away that she was very close to. Alas, that is when she made the jump to the other side. I thought we were best friends, lovers and totally honest with each other. Come to find out that none of that was true. She ran into a woman she fell in love with. Had she not she may well still be living with me and making me think everything was okay. If she had met that person 3 or 4 years before.......? That all ended with a divorce back in 2010. She is since remarried to that woman and I will have a 5th anniversary to a wonderful woman late this year. I hope yours does not end that way but do yourself a favor. Keep it in the back of your mind and think a little about protecting yourself. Years ago there was a saying on here that went 'Bi now, gay later' do to some common experiences. There are quite a few of us guys on here even though the lions share seems to be women with gay husbands. Keep posting as you need to.

Be well.
Clif

Ha! Since the new board it claims I am a new member

Last edited by Clif (July 19, 2016 3:27 pm)

That is a tough one. There are two things here you really need to consider - needs and behaviour. The need may never go away but can it be denied? Is your wife able to totally honour her vows? Will she resist this urge or slowly crumble? What happens in a decade or so? Then there's behaviour. Is she fully open with you or will small things begin to happen that are kept hidden? Will there be honesty no matter what? Some of these questions are hard to answer but the really hard one is what is best for everyone?

If there's a mutual solid commitment to each other it's possible you could make it. No one, hetero or LBGT is immune to finding other people attractive, at least on a physical level. When it becomes on an emotional level is when it gets tricky. My former spouse likely had some interest in women all her life but did not act on it and pretty much denied it was possible for her. What this lead to over time was an almost unconscious sabotage of the marriage until, after some personal therapy, she discovered she couldn't deny this part of herself any longer. Trying to make it work would have been unfair to both of us. Then there's the other possible way to work with this knowledge - freedom to explore instead of the 'foresake all others' route. This is also fraught with potential peril. If you look on the main SSN page for the news feed there is a book recently published called "How to Lose Your Wife to Another Woman". I haven't read it yet but it seems that for the author this lead to his spouse finding her female soulmate.

I can't say which way your relationship could or should go but make sure it's based on honesty and don't ignore all the "what-ifs" and future possibilities.

yeah look we know what it's like.  you love her.  it can take ages for your heart to catch up with your head.  

But what was the response you got when you spilled your guts?  she "got a lot off her chest" she said stuff back to you that had you deep breathing, i.e., it wasn't truthful in your estimation.  You're the one hurting and she is the one whose needs are being catered for?  

You're the one talking about real feelings - shame and guilt at the heart of your marriage.  Don't you want to understand them?

you love her, Mike, no shame or guilt in that whatsoever.  It just shows the love you're capable of.  Your children are probably primary in your thoughts.  Let them be, they are your children.  But whatever you are thinking, trust yourself and have lots of respect for yourself.  Your instinctive feelings will help guide you.  wishing you all the best, Lily.