Thank you to both of you for sharing. I agree that being 'gay in denial' (or GID) is a form of mental illness. I also believe that the longer we remain in the closet, the more mentally ill the gay husband becomes. JK I'm not a mental health professional and I've never met nor spoken with your husband. But I can share my own experience as a gay ex-husband. I didn't understand until I started posting here that most gay husbands deny they are gay when confronted by their wives. I'm astounded that closeted men continue denying they are gay ​even in the face of damning emails, graphic Craigslist messages, or text/phone messages that all confirm they're having sex with men. But it makes sense when I consider 'GID' as a form of dementia or insanity. I myself denied I was gay for a few hours when confronted by my (then) wife. She asked me the question in my office one afternoon, I denied I was gay, but then came out to her at home a few hours later. I then came out to my family & friends and am eternally grateful for having done so. That saved my life. But I now recognize coming out was just the start of my journey. And even after coming out, it took me years of therapy, reading, research, support groups, and (finally) posting here to regain some level of sanity. I can't imagine how toxic it would have been to continue denying I was gay once my wife already knew it ​and had proof.

​Getting back to JK's question: "I do believe that, at this point, he has become mentally ill. Your thoughts?" I agree that it's a form of mental illness. Let's look at your husband's life right now: ​If I remember correctly, this is a snapshot of him today:

- 50-something years old
​- Separated from you and soon to be divorced
​- Still denies he is gay (or is using the fallback of "bisexual")
​- Estranged from all but one of your children
​- Lost his high-paying job and now works at Starbucks
​- Had an affair with a younger man but is now apparently single
​- Lives in a small apartment alone

​In short, your husband has lived a lie most of his life and that lie has just been exposed. I can only describe this period as akin to withdrawal after a lifelong drug addiction. My whole existence was hiding my sexuality. And to hide it, the denial, lies, and manipulation became part of my DNA. Even after I came out, I continued to lie about work, money, and my family situation. Why? Because I had to relearn to tell the truth. What's scary is that I believed so many of the lies I'd told. I was completely unhinged. Here is an example. I used to tell people that my ex-wife and I were, "Closer than ever," after I came out. How f*cked up is that? 

​So your husband has now been ejected from his closet, lost his job, (most of) his kids want little to do with him, and he's lost his wife of 30+ years. I'm not writing this so we feel sorry for him. I'm just illustrating that any of these challenges alone could push someone over the edge. But he's now dealing with all of these things at the same time. Straight wives suffer as well and probably suffer more because, following separation/divorce, you're left to do most of the child rearing and homemaking. But imagine dealing with all of those things while also coming out of the closet. Brains are elastic and I firmly believe there is a point when a mind can snap. I almost committed suicide a year after coming out.

​So what now JK? First, your husband is no longer your responsibility. He needs to get himself help and if he can't, his family and friends need to step up. But he has to do this alone. Second, you need to limit contact. He's used you as both a crutch and a punching bag for decades and any lengthy contact will give him an opportunity to mistreat or manipulate you again. (The example you gave of him saying contradictory things sounds like gaslighting.) And finally, I'd consult with a child psychologist to find ways to explain what's happening to your kids. They already know something is wrong with dad, but you should try to help them verbalize it.

​So yes I believe most gay-in-denial husbands are mentally ill. And that illness will only get more acute the longer the gay husband continues to deny his true sexuality. I also believe the coping mechanism for gay-in-denial husbands is narcissism. But like any illness, the only way to "cure" it is to admit the problem and then seek professional help. Sadly, many GID husbands continue with the bullsh*t "feelin' fine" narrative, even as their lives fall apart.

​I'm not sure if I've answered your questions. If not, please feel free to write again.  

Last edited by Séan (March 26, 2017 5:20 pm)

JK,

Its really tough..part of being divorced is you're not responsible for his emotional support.  But you want the kids to be able to visit him.  He needs to step up to the plate and be a father and not a teenager.  Easier said than done.

Thank you for writing Eliza and welcome to the forum. It took a lot of courage for you to post here. Please know that you're among friends, albeit virtual friends. In response to your question:

​"So, tell me, is he just meeting-the-right-guy away from being gay?"

With regards to whether your husband is gay or not, we need only break down your post:

1. I caught my husband in chats with men after we first met 8 years ago. Gay, lying, and hiding.
​
2. Eventually I found out most of his story, that he'd had secret relationships with men in college, hooked up with many men via online hookup forums, and was continuing to chat and post on those forums through our relationship. Gay in denial, cheater, and liar.
​
3. He insists he is bisexual. Or sometimes that he just has urges that he can control through exercise. Clearly he can't control his urges ​if he's still hooking up with men outside of your marriage. Bisexual would suggest an equal attraction to both men and women. If he's only chatting, hooking up, and fantasizing about men, this means he's gay rather than bi.

4. I have catered to his every sexual desire: threesomes, porn, strap-on, and I've even let him go hook up with men he's met on Grindr on a few occasions. ​I'm sorry you've been suffering for so long. Straight husbands don't use Grindr (a gay hook up app), have threesomes (let me guess, only with other men), watch gay porn, and ask their wives to use strap ons during sex. Gay, gay, and gay.

5. I am to the point where I have no attraction to him and avoid intimacy as much as possible. Sex has been unsatisfying for me for years. This was inevitable given the way he's mistreated you.

​6. He will not consider an "open" relationship for fear of me meeting someone else worthwhile; we tried briefly and disastrously. When I do take it for the team, he only gets off if we are talking about male anatomy. ​So he gets to f*ck guys on the side but strangely you need to remain faithful/monogamous? That's bullsh*t.

A gay-in-denial husband (or "GIDH") has just one life priority: hiding his sexuality. And the GIDH has just one way of hiding his sexuality: marrying a woman. Eliza you deserve much more than a loveless, sexless relationship.  By your own admission, your husband is: gay; lying to you; cheating on you; and sees your relationship as a one-way street. I'd urge you to share your whole story here if you like. Or you might consider creating your own thread. You should also consider reaching out to the Straight Spouse Network to find contacts in your area. Just one conversation with another straight wife who has survived and thrived can change your life. So what's my point? You can spend months or years debating whether he is gay, but labels won't change the fact that you're in a soul-destroying relationship. Rather than wait for him to find his Mr. Right, I believe it's time for you to start taking care of yourself. And a great way to get started is by posting here. I hope that helps in some small way Eliza.

Last edited by Séan (March 28, 2017 11:00 pm)

Eliza

You've suffered and been subjected to so much already in the guise of fulfilling his fantasies, this is abuse, you're being abused emotionally by staying with this guy. Do you want your children growing up in a household like that? I don't mean to he harsh but you deserve someone to love and respect you, cherish the kind person you are not someone who uses you like you describe. You can't feel respected being subjected to this life, you can't be the mother you want for your children putting up with his demands and being demeaned as you have been. I've no doubt you'll gain so much self respect and self confidence by separating from him and co parenting as best you can, you'll get stronger and stronger and your children will flourish because of it. As Sean says it's bullsh*t he gets to have his gay life on the side and you have to stay faithful! GO GIRL - run for the hills before 10, 15, 25 years disappear and nothing improves. The writing on your wall will never change.

Stonehouse.
First take a step back and breathe. There are a couple of things going on..

1.  Remove the gay for a minute..you distrust him and are snooping.  As I snooped I kept thinking to myself..why do I have to do this? What kind of wife is this. .I knew something was going on.  I could feel it in my bones.  That feeling you have is your body and mind trying to protect you. One cannot live in this state forever..the stress and anxiety will eat you up. 

God would not want you to live this way.

2. I snooped and found everything. .horrible terrible stuff.  And you know what...it didn't make any difference.  I still had to decide what I was going to do.  The sudden withdrawal of all physical contact would not change if I didn't find any evidence..  I was being abused evidence or no evidence. ..gay or not.  The gay just makes it more horrible and harder to process.  But it doesnt change the lies and dishonesty.

Be kind to yourself. You don't deserve the treatment you're  getting.  Once trust is gone I feel its really over..one cannot live in a marriage where one person is covert and secretive..where one person is not for you 110%. 

Start taking small steps each day for you.

Warm sincere hug.