Hi Dave, 

I'm so sorry you are here.  You deserved better than a closet lesbian wife.  
Remember that you were blessed with some good years and have 3 amazing kids, so there has been some good from your marriage even though it may be coming to an end. 

You are still young and you have a bright future to look forward to.  You are also fortunate (if it's true) that she has come out to you before cheating on you.  That will make a big difference in how you co-exist and co-parent in the future.   Also, with your kids being younger, it will be easier on them vs. having this happen at a later age. 

A few notes for you..  If you are using your real name, I would advise changing it to a "handle" or different username.  We all keep a level of anonymity here to protect ourselves.  

I think you are right on to want to stay cordial and polite and be a good parent, but you certainly don't have to remain friends with her.  

One last thing.. that might be hard to stomach.   I think most of us on this site would agree that people don't just "turn gay" later in life.  I think she's lying to you when she says she just gained an interest in women this year.  There is no proof of course, but most believe that a same sex attraction is usually something hard-wired into a person.  It normally surfaces during puberty.  It is then up to the person to decide whether they want to embrace that or try to cover it up and try to appear to be heterosexual.  It's obviously not an easy life to be "different" and there is still a lot of bias and harm done to homosexuals.  So, what I'm saying is..  I don't think your wife just discovered that she's gay.  The fact that you mention libido issues and depression further back up my theory.  She has always known that she was gay, but she didn't want to be gay.  She probably tried to convince herself she could be hetero, but eventually came to the conclusion that she cannot.  Telling that this just happened takes the guilt away from her.  If you believe it just happened, then you can't blame her for being selfish and marrying you under false pretenses and you can't label her a liar for 15 years.  

I suggest you consult an attorney (privately) and start getting some education on the legal sides of divorce. With her being a SAHM you will have LOT of financial risk in this divorce.  Don't let her make you think she can continue to be a SAHM forever even after divorce.  Don't let her think she gets the kids full time either just because of the past arrangements.   The legal stuff can be very difficult to get through.. I just want you to start learning about your state's laws and make sure you learn what not to do.  Do not move out of the house!.. 

Let us know what support we can lend to you.  We are all survivors and we are here to help each other out.  We are here for you now. 


 

Dave,
Sorry you are here but you will find an incredibly supportive group, all in different stages of TGT. We are all different and lead different lives, but you'll start to see similarities in these stories.

I agree with lost dad and Kel, this may be the tip of the iceberg. Keep staying at home, in individual therapy, and try to work outside your anger to settle as much as you can for the kid's sake. You can do this, and you'll need to gather your support fortress. Here, it's open season to vent about whatever you want.

You talk a lot about her requests and wants/needs....what do you want? What does life look like moving forward?

Hi Dave, I don't have much more to add, the above have covered plenty for you to mull over, just wanted to say I'm sorry you find yourself here but glad you did, the support is amazing.

I'm sorry I didn't start posting when TGT started for me...............keep posting, ranting and venting, you need that outlet!

None of this is really fair but it shows you that she has her direction already set. Many of us wanted or tried to save things but that doesn't work unless both parties are rowing the boat in the same direction and speed. All marriages are like this, the sexual orientation factor adds an extra level of complication, like a heavy headwind blowing you off course.

You could try the basement thing as a starter while figuring the rest out. Hopefully it's like a self contained apartment or else it will be harder to separate your personal lives beyond that what concerns the children. If she starts seeing others (or if you do) it will be hard for the other person to not notice. Perhaps what you both need is a multi-step plan with the goal of allowing everyone a reasonable way out. Something that includes a secondary family income, paying down shared debt, deciding to sell the house or not. If you are both still working well together you might be able to come up with a strategy, just not one you ever thought you'd need to have.

As for the emotional aspect, I can offer little there except for shared sympathy. If not already, she will soon begin to emotionally disengage from you. Kind of like returning back to a time before you started dating and may have been just acquaintances. Your kids will be there for you and you need to be there for them. They will wonder what it all means, where will they live, how often will they see the other parent, will they still go to the same school, have the same friends and so on. If you and your spouse are able to answer these questions together (age-appropriately) they'll do OK. Hug your kids often.

Good luck and hang in there.