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March 10, 2017 8:18 pm  #1

Help needed for straight confused wife

My husband has always been extremely homophobic and makes so many jokes regarding men's genitals, our older boys want cock meat sandwiches, etc, etc to the point of it gets ridiculous and embarrassing to his family. He's always had a multitude of friends that are females but just friendship then 18 months ago he got caught making out with our neighbor who's the female. He started drinking 9 years ago when I was pregnant with our daughter then it became excessive since then. He also started looking at cuckold porn. Over the past 9 years he has become an alcoholic which even he admits. He is destroying his construction company,  he looks at only white woman with 2 or more guys in porn.    18 months ago when I caught him in the backyard he told me it was a big mistake caused by alcohol and they were just friends she was also my friend at the time. Then I would find throwaway cell phones multiple ones over the last year-and-a-half and he kept talking to her and get happily excited when he would say things like you'd marry me and she would say yes they even talked about having a child together. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me when he's drunk calls me horrible names even has called our children's names. Where I'm confused is a week and a half ago he was extremely drunk I walked in on him in the bathroom with yet another cell phone he swore up and down he wasn't talking to her and then after me begging him to let me see the phone and him refusing he looked at me for a brief moment with an angry look and said I think I'm gay he then proceeded to yell at me and call me names for 45 minutes get very angry and then drove off getting a DUI totaling his truck and taking out power poles. I asked him the next day when he got out of jail if he remembers what he told me he doesn't remember anything even driving off he said what are you talking about I said you told me you thought you were gay. Immediately in a normal tone I'm not gay no way in hell am I gay. He was sexually abused once raped as a child he did go to prison for 8 years and I've always suspected something wasn't right. He doesn't like to have sex he doesn't like to kiss he does like oral sex and he request me to have anal sex as well as he would love to have a threesome with me and two guys. He has admitted but he has never had sex with the female Neighbor, but she did perform oral sex on him. I don't know if he's ever been with a male, he definitely would never admit it.  I caught him with another phone 3 nights ago and when I walked in he said oh baby girl very sad like and then said I don't want you to see the porn I look at. He told me the phone wasn't activated and only uses it for internet, which hasn't been the case before.  Now I'm confused why did he have an affair with a woman, why does he still love her and miss her, why does he say he loves me I'm his best friend and only wants to be with me, he can't imagine his life without me?   Could he be living a lie and he is gay?


March 11, 2017 11:45 am  #2

Re: Help needed for straight confused wife

  I have no idea how to answer your question, but I know this.  You are in a very unhealthy relationship with a self destructive man who is pulling you down.  It sounds to me like you need to get some distance from him, if you can, to straighten our your own thoughts.  Is there a girlfriend or family you could go to?  


March 13, 2017 11:15 am  #3

Re: Help needed for straight confused wife

OutofHisCloset wrote:

  I have no idea how to answer your question, but I know this.  You are in a very unhealthy relationship with a self destructive man who is pulling you down.  It sounds to me like you need to get some distance from him, if you can, to straighten our your own thoughts.  Is there a girlfriend or family you could go to?  

This ^^^

Marie, I don't think it matters what his sexual attraction is.  He is such a mess and a dangerous and awful person that I think you need to get away from him.  Alcoholism, cheating on you (yes, getting a BJ from another woman is cheating), insulting you and your boys, getting extra cell phones and hiding them from you, etc.  These behaviors are not OK for a husband and father.  

But.. you came here for an opinion on whether or not he is gay.   Based on what little I know I would guess that he is bi-sexual or just a sexaholic.  Perhaps his childhood rape and his time in prison taught him to also enjoy gay sex, even though he's not truly attracted to men.  If he was truly gay, when cheating on you, he would do it with guys, not the neighbor lady.  

I don't know if he's living a lie and is truly gay.. but based on your story I would tell you with no doubt that this is not a person you should be around any longer.  He is a dumpster fire..  a dangerous and immature man who doesn't deserve a wife like you.  He has done way more than enough to deserve a divorce.. does it really matter if he is gay?

I hope you can find peace in all this Marie and start looking for a way to find a better life.  Welcome to our group.. please feel free to continue posting and journaling here..  we are all here to help you. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


March 24, 2017 11:16 am  #4

Re: Help needed for straight confused wife

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  The gay thing doesn't even matter at this point.  You're looking in the wrong direction.  If you had a friend come to you and say, "My husband is verbally abusive to me and my kids, he cheats with the neighbor, he has a heavy drinking problem, and he's destroying our lives his reckless drinking and driving.", what would you say?  You'd say "RUN!!!"  And then she says, "What I want to know is, do you think he could be gay?"  You'd be like, "Who the hell cares?!?  There's enough going on otherwise that you need to get away from this man!"  It doesn't really matter WHAT the root cause to all of this is.  It's out of control.  His words of devotion and love mean nothing if he's showing you otherwise with abusive behavior.  This is NOT the marriage role model you want for your children to see and pattern their own marriage after, is it?

Don't spin your wheels on whether or not he's gay.  He's a cheating, abusing alcoholic.  You don't NEED more reasons that that, hon.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

March 24, 2017 3:19 pm  #5

Re: Help needed for straight confused wife

Hi Marie, I'm so sorry you're going through all this but I agree with Kel, you don't need to know if he's gay or not, there's enough going on there to know it ain't healthy, for you or your children. There seems to be so many issues that you alone can't help him with. Look after yourself and your children as you decide what to do

Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves

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