It's interesting how they turn everything around, isn't it?  I mean, they weren't worried about their kids when they were cheating and lying and destroying their family.  ONLY when it pertains purely to THEIR reputation.  How.f'ing.convenient.

I've never gotten into specifics with my kids on stuff that was said or done, but my daughter in particular (being the talker of my 3 kids) has talked to me a lot about my current relationship with her step-dad (and how she wants one just like it) and she's also talked a lot about the qualities in her father that she doesn't like.  She's DEAD.ON on everything.  I listen.  I explain or expound where I can, and in a way that is appropriate.  I don't say "we almost never had sex", or "I was begging him and all I got was perfunctory sex where he wouldn't look at me".  That's inappropriate for a 13 year-old (even if she does seem to be going on 23).  What I DO say is "The way that "O" (current spouse) treats me makes me feel and special and necessary to his life.  Things that seem little - like him opening the door for me, or always walking on the curb side - are NOT little.  They signify that you are cherished.  I didn't have that with Dad - probably because he was gay and incapable of feeling those things toward any woman.  I will tell you that without feeling cherished, you - as a woman - will never feel fulfilled in your relationship.  And he - the man you choose - will never feel fulfilled without your respect.  So choose a man who cherishes you and shows you.  And one whom you respect greatly.  Otherwise you are giving up too easily."

My oldest son (who is mentally unbalanced) used to complain about his father in a very unhealthy way - name calling, belittling, etc.  I didn't tolerate that.  The other two kids have real complaints - "He never does anything with us".  Sometimes I say, "That's just him - that's how he with me, too.  It's just how he is".  I want them to know it's not them.  Other times I'll ask them to come up with stuff they want to do that's free/cheap, and give the list to their dad.  They're teenagers - if they can't do that, then they must not be THAT bored.  There have been times my ex has done something that when I'm later told, I've had to say, "That's not right - he shouldn't have put you in that position."  (like yelling at my dd about how I - her mother - is "money hungry".  This from a man whom I get $600 a month in child support from for 2 kids.  I buy GROCERIES with the money.)  Dd didn't like that, and immediately called me to come get her and take her home (it was the first day of her Christmas break over her father's house).  She was angry enough for the both of us.  I said little to nothing except that it wasn't true, and that he shouldn't have said such a thing to her about her mother.  That will feel bad even if you HATE your own mother.  I never mentioned it to him - he suffered the consequences from dd directly.

On the flip side, I think it's perfectly okay to flip out occasionally.  One of the issues with my own upbringing is that I never saw my parents fight, I rarely saw them disagree, and I never, EVER saw them deal with grief, sadness, fear or panic.  We're HUMAN.  We're SUPPOSED to teach our children that adult life is full of sh*t too, and this is how to deal with it.  I've never mentioned money problems to them - that's not something they need to worry about.  I didn't tell them when I found a lump in my breast, or when I had to have the mammogram.  But by the time they'd done an ultrasound and wanted to do a biopsy, I told them.  My current dh thought I was nuts.  But my reasoning is that something like this might happen to them or their spouse someday.  And they're going to need to know that you don't need to freak out about it before you need to freak out about it.  My dd specifically asked, "what if it's cancer?", and I said, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  Worrying won't help it."  And when the biopsy came back, it was clear.  Some benign growth.  And I told them.  I also felt that HAD it been cancer, they needed an introduction to that potential.  You're on the journey with me.  You don't need to console me.  But I'm human.  If I'm scared, I'll say so.  I will let you cry with me, or talk me down off the ledge.  I'm still the parent, and they're still the kids.  But we're all human.  Parent's aren't superhuman; they hurt, and it's good to know that.  It helps us not to be disappointed in adulthood.  And it helps us see them as real people - capable of advice and support borne from being on the journey, too.

Don't be too difficult on yourself.  You snapped when you were stressed.  We all do it.  If you feel that you said something you shouldn't have, then go back and tell your son that.  Show him how a man can own his words and can take responsibility for them when required.  But don't apologize for being emotional - you can acknowledge that it may have been alarming to him, but don't apologize.  We all get to have the cork pop off occasionally.

Kel

Lorax,

Yeah we've all been there.  The weather, world hunger..they try to make it our fault.
Looking back at my marriage I cannot think of a time when she said "I'm sorry".  Never an apology for anything.  It's like I enabled her to play god.   
But they are not gods, demigods or supreme beings no matter how much we cherished them.  Mine turned out to be a very sick and immoral person.  It confounds me to this day that she walks around thinking everything she did was ok.  But she does.
All we can do is get away.  I intend to surround myself with sane, moral people.

jkpeace wrote:

 That other person did not cheat on me.  My husband did.  The cheating spouse deserves your anger.  The other party deserves none of your energies.

I like the way you think. I've pushed a lot of anger in the homewrecker's direction but you're right. She may be the parasite she is but it's my ex who discarded me.

This is quite an epiphany for me, thanks.

JK said "Being gay is not the problem. Lying about it can only be done by a very unstable and ashamed person."

So so true - my in-laws can't see this at all. They see the biggest issue is he's gay and he can't help that, he is as he was born, so frustrating. Gay is so far down the line in my opinion - gay didn't make him have no moral compass, lose integrity (if he ever had any), be deceitful and dishonest, have no empathy, compassion or humility.

Lorax: I hope you've eased up on yourself about blowing off steam and maybe you've had the opportunity to speak calmly about it all to your son - I'm sure he'll get it.

I know I'd rather regret NOT saying something as opposed to regret saying something and that leads to me withholding from confrontations & coming up with the best lines EVER about two to three hours AFTER the conversation. I feel that's true for a lot of us on here, we kept our mouths shut to keep the peace and now we're afraid to speak up with OUR truth as somehow it may be invalid or something - we've to learn to speak our minds.

I know this isn't what you did in the case with your son Lorax, I get you feel you totally went off on one regarding the other person and feel bad about that - possibly not one of your greatest moments but these are the cards you've been dealt and you're dealing with it as best you can - some good days and some not so good where you reach breaking point and things spill out - be easy on yourself - you're dealing with sh*t none of us ever thought we'd ever have to deal with!