Linda,

Being in love is only good when the other person is in love with you, and good to you.  In any and all other circumstances, it's torturous.  Love is a confusing thing, because it's not only something you feel, but put into practical practice, it's something you DO.  If you are no longer actively loving him (meaning doing loving things for him), then that's the first step.  One of the most difficult times for me was after I decided I wanted a divorce (and told him that), but before he left (which took two years!); how could I make dinner for him and take care of him when I was trying to emotionally separate from him?  And how could I NOT do those things when the kids didn't know yet about the impending divorce?  I started going out almost nightly after we put the kids to bed - so I didn't need to hang around him and feel like I was bonding with him while trying to unbond.

I strongly back the suggestion of going no contact.  Nothing will heal you faster than the lack of bullshit he's putting into your daily life.  He's pulling you in for a reason - to make you jealous.  Even if he doesn't want to leave her for you, he gets OFF on having women hooked on him.  Don't give him what he wants.  If he thinks you can't stop yourself from talking to him, then use that to fuel yourself to prove to him that he's WRONG about you.  You're not weak, you're not pathetic, and he's not the center of your universe.  If he's so happy with his new woman, then fine - go be with her.  Leave you alone.  Stop following him in ANY way - no Facebook friendship (block him).  No driving by their home, no actively trying to look at his life.  It'll be difficult at first, but trust us - it gets easier, and it's the only way to go.  You don't even have to tell him you're going no-contact.  Just stop answering any of his calls/texts unless they're about emergencies with your children together (if you have them).  STOP being available to his beck and call.  He doesn't deserve it.

For me, falling out of love came easily once I realized what he'd done to me with all the lying and deluding me and not caring about how his actions affected me.  THAT's not love.  He didn't love me.  He wanted me because I was convenient for him on some level.  Even if I didn't understand what that was.  I was convenient for him.  I enabled him to get what he wanted.  Well, I'm not a trained monkey.  I don't jump for you just because you offer me a freaking cracker occasionally.  I'm a woman.  I deserve to be cherished and desired and protected and provided for.  I put out the caring and dedication and love that should have gotten me those things.  The fact that I wasn't getting back what I should have made me angry.  HOW could he have taken all that from me willingly and then not given me back what he should have?  Getting angry can definitely be the fuel necessary to get over him.  Right now, you're hurt.  You're angry sometimes because you're hurt.  You're bitter because someone who supposedly loved you treated you so poorly.  But all of the above is focusing on HIM - it's structuring you to look at yourself through the lens of his actions toward you.  Once you get to the point where you're asking yourself "How could I let him continue to do that to me?", then you're in a place you can work from.  It makes you realize that now that you know the truth, you don't have to continue to let him affect your happiness, self confidence, and emotional state.  Fuck that noise.  YOU are in control of your life now.  Decide that you're not letting him hold the reigns to your emotional state any longer.  Fight for your own stability.

You can do this, Linda.

Kel

It was my choice.  I chose the divorce.  Even with counselling and him really wanting to stay together, along with me truly loving my husband, I just couldn't get the image of him sucking on someone's dick out of my mind and I couldn't see myself having sex with him ever again.  So, I bailed.  Still not absolutely positive it was the right decision and sometimes wonder if him telling me that "we can have a better marriage than we ever could imagine"!  Even if he never did it again I would struggle to even kiss him. I wonder how woman who try to stick it out can even touch their lips with theirs. I admit that I feel very jealous that this woman will marry him.

Even as a Christian forgiveness for this is coming very slow. I wonder if she would break his heart if I would feel better.  Why do I think I would?  Yes I think I would just so he could get a small taste of a heartache.

I think you're thinking too much about him and what he feels like.  And about her and whether you'll see her, and whether they'll look happy - happier than you were with him.  Well, the answer is yes and no.  Yes, she can be happier than you were because either she doesn't know about him sucking on someone else's dick, or doesn't care.  She can kiss his lips anyway.  Good for her.  That's not you.  You couldn't do it, and you shouldn't have to.  Good for you for knowing where your lines are, and how to call it when the foul line has been crossed.  You didn't forfeit - you walked off the field disgusted with the behavior of the other team.  Let them celebrate like winners - to you, that's not winning.  To you, that's just poor behavior.  And you would rather have your dignity than say you won.  You don't want to be in that league - you're out.

He shouldn't be allowed to tell you ANYthing about your relationship any longer.  It's OVER.  You cut him out like the cancer that he was.  He can only talk to you about such things if you LET HIM.  Don't let him any longer.  It's not productive in ANY way.  All he's doing is torturing you.  Seriously - he has NO REASON to tell you such things except to cause you pain.  And if he's actively causing you pain, then I guess he's still the same douchebag he was - the guy that would do terrible things just because it made HIM feel a certain way.  There is no good man on this planet who belittles or tortures a woman with his words and feels it's okay.  That stuff's for boys, not men.  If he was really into you, he'd have done everything in his power to show you that he's a good man.  He didn't.  He moved on (after you forced him to), and now he wants you to suffer.  So he's teasing you by letting you jump for the carrot, with absolutely NO intent of ever letting you have a bite.  That's sadistic, hon.  It's cruel and it's wrong.  If he won't stop, then cut off his avenue of delivering that message to you.  Stop letting him tilt your head back and pour the poison down your throat just to feel his hands on your face.  It's not worth it.

If you EVER get into another discussion with him about how happy you could have been had you just stayed, you tell him, "Maybe YOU would have been happy.  But I would NOT have been, because I could never have kissed your lips again after I knew where they were.  Don't ever discuss this or any other aspect of our relationship with me again."  Then turn, walk away with your head held high, and chuckle under your breath at his gaping mouth.  In that moment, you know that he knows that you're over him.  Oh, what a glorious day!

Kel

Thanks to you too lostdad! What craziness!