Dtn,

I wanted comment on Darryl reply to you. I've seen some posts here when we , the shocked straight spouse, are saying we want to be supportive and loving..   

But what have we ever done but love and support our spouses? I gave my lezex so much..there was nothing I wouldn't do for her. 
But their newfound identity is just too much.

What about us?  Didn't these spouses take a vow to love and cherish us? Let us all repeat the words; to have and to hold..  not to reject, ignore and abuse.

Promises were made, vows were taken..if they didn't mean it then why say it?  They are really broken individuals now..ie. if they say they are going grocery shopping is it true?  Do they mean it?

My lezex filed for divorce before I did...I was gathering strength. I couldn't live like we were anymore.  I was codependent sure but I have some dignity...I would shake with trauma..  someone that vowed to love me making me shake with trauma.    And of course now just pure rage if I so much as look at her.  But she considers herself a moral individual...in what world? 

No..our feelings are genuine and appropriate..we have been violated and abused.  Selfish is not the best word for these spouses...heartless, cold, cruel is more appropriate.  I sometimes use demonic or evil which describes my lezex more accurately.

May we all find self compassion and strength.

Last edited by Rob (July 3, 2016 9:45 pm)

I feel like I'm being so harsh whenever I type this, but I heard it here first, and I needed to hear it.

It's time to consider your life without your spouse. What do you want? He's already gone. First they leave in their minds, then they leave for real or they stay and expect you to play along.

This was not part of your marriage agreement. It hurts like hell when it ends, but it does get better. And you deserve a life and the love of a straight, non--trans person.

Keep reading and posting. This forum kept me upright during the worst of my split from my gay almost-ex.

Sue

Hi DTN,

I'm sorry you're going through such a confusing and painful experience.  You are definitely in the right place.

The thing that most strikes me about your explanation of the situation is that your husband is coming across to me as a thing rather than a person.  As if he is trying to explore *what* he is vs. *who* he is.  And he's living a life of no fixed persona, which doesn't work well when you're in a relationship (unless you enter into it that way).  When you fall in love with and dedicate yourself to someone, it's because you like who you know.  You know them to be these things - looks this way, acts this way, feels this way, etc.  Some of this can change over time - how we look in a good place to start.  We cut and/or color our hair, we gain and lose weight, we obtain wrinkles and may change who we dress over time.  These are natural things - a progression of time and experience and trying on different "masks", if you will.  But underneath it all, we are still essentially the same.  We don't tend to go from a bodybuilder to the carnival fat man, or vice versa.  We move from hairy to balding, from fit to paunchy, from active to settled.  We do NOT move from male to female.  Or from male to genderless.  That's a BASE thing, not an extraneous thing.  Your husband is trying to convince you otherwise.  He's trying to make it as if being a married man to a straight woman and then changing to a female is within the realm of normal and acceptable.  It's.NOT.  And it doesn't have to be, just because you love him.

He is NOT still *him*, but wearing pearls and heels.  No, he's him, who is now a her, only saying that sometimes he's a him and sometimes he's a her and whichever way the wind blows determines his sexual identity.  And worse, it's likely not even true.  You see that - he's all woman, all the time now.  If it were true that he was fluid, he'd be dressing and acting as a man some days, wouldn't he?  But he's not.  He's trying to fool you into thinking that he's fluid because clearly it's not acceptable to just announce a few years after marriage that he'd now like to be a female.  He KNOWS that.  So he's playing a game with you - one where he's trying to convince you (and maybe even himself) that he's not a female - he's just.... fluid.  That way he can still have the man option open - that way there's still a remnant of who you married there.  And he expects that if that hope is there, you'll hold out for it.  But that's not the truth.  The truth is that he's now a female who hasn't told you honestly that that's all he intends to be now.  He knows that changes the rules.  The trouble is that even being fluid changes the rules.  To your knowledge, you married a bi-sexual man who was in love with you and portrayed himself as fully male (and only male) that was dedicated to you.  Does he owe it to you to stay that person if he expects to remain in a good marriage with you?  YES.  Yes, he does.  He can go changing, but he cannot expect that he's not then choosing the sexual identity over the marriage.  And that's exactly what he's chosen, despite the fact that you don't like it, and it's unsettling to you.

Now, I have complete freedom over my own body.  I own my hair and I have the right to do with it whatever I want.  I also know that my husband prefers some length to it.  Because he finds that most attractive, I don't cut it short.  I sometimes have it very long, and other times a fluffy shoulder-length.  Do I do this because I feel my relationship *requires* it?  No.  Absolutely not.  But it pleases him, and I like pleasing him.  I like that I can do certain things that make me the most attractive to him that I can be.  I know he likes it when I wear heels.  Do I wear them all the time?  Certainly not.  But when we go out for our wedding anniversary tonight?  Hell yes.  It's special, and I want his eyes to sparkle when he looks at me.  Iiiiii like to wear false eyelashes on special occasions.  He HATES them - no matter how tastefully done.  So while I might still occasionally wear them to a party or such, I'm not going to put them on for a night out with him.  Even if I feel more attractive to him that way, I know he doesn't feel the same way.  So my natural lashes (with mascara, of course) it is.  We do things all the time for our spouses like this.  We wear their favorite outfit or cologne when we want to please them.  Make their favorite meal on a special day, give them a gift or touch them a special way.  If we do these little things for our spouses, then why is your husband finding it acceptable to change a BASE trait without thinking about how it affects you?  If he's as much male as he is female, why can't he just stick with the male thing for YOUR sake?  Why's he need to do something ALL for himself that not only displeases you, but confuses you and brings you fear and pain?  Why would he do that if he's just as comfortable as a male???  The answer is because he's NOT.

It's time to think about you.  He's shown you who he is.  He told you one thing, but now he's showing you another.  Do you want to be married to a female?  Are you attracted to females - as in excited by him once he's dressed that way - excited about having sex with a trans sexual female?  If not, then this is NOT for you.  Do not pass go.  Stop the presses.  This is not going to make you happy if you move forward.  And guess what? He's wanting to have you be into him the way that he is now.  If you're not, then you can't make HIM happy in the long run, either.  And you shouldn't have to.  You are still holding up your end of the bargain.  Don't be fooled into thinking that you need to ride along shotgun in order to show him love and acceptance.  You can do that without being married to him.  Where is his support of YOU, and what YOU prefer?  It's not there, hon.  That's the plain truth of it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

Kel

DTN, 

I'm so sorry you are here.  We are all part of a club that none of us wanted to be part of.  We all have spouses who are "abnormal".  Whether they are gay/lesbian/transgender or on the path to one of those places, we have all been lied to.   Many of our spouses lied to themselves.  They refused to accept who they are or thought they could be "normal" if they just got married and tried to live a normal life.  But we are the ones who get burned.  Some get burned sooner than others.  This won't bring much comfort to you, but consider yourself lucky that you've only given 4 years of your life to this marriage. 

So far you've gained an understanding of his/her history and present, so you have seen the progression. 
What you need to do now is try to understand what the future will look like.  Where will this progression take him/her?  Will your spouse stop at his/her current state or will it continue to progress to the point where he turns completely into a she?  Will she want to get surgery to change her physical appearance and genitals?  Breast enhancements and hormones?  Will she want to continue to have a monogamous relationship with you or will she want to be with men?  

I know you've already started to think about this.   Here's the big question..    Are you ok being in a marriage that leaves you always questioning when your spouse will no longer want to be your spouse?  When your spouse will want to sleep with other people of the other gender?  How long can you go without looking at their computer and phone to see if they are cheating on you?  

I'm not trying to push you to a divorce.  I hope you can make things work.  That will require a great deal of honesty and communication and most likely professional help.  But, I do think you need to start considering your future and perhaps starting to education yourself on how to go about making a change in your life.  

There are too many people on this forum who wish they could have 20, 30, 40 years of their life back so that they could find a normal spouse and live in a happy and trusting marriage.