Thank you for writing JJ. In response to your post and questions:

1. It's me again, I wanted to run a situation by you that really has me confused. My STBX is leaving in May to go to medical school in Portland, Oregon. As predicted he has "decided" to go out there first, and get set up then send for me when the "time is right"? Really? does he really believe I am buying that? or is he just trying to make his own life easier? I have accepted that my marriage is over, that I have to move out of our rental and that I will eventually have to file bankruptcy. (a lot to accept, but it is what it is). 

I remember you writing about this before. He's going across the country and you've accepted your marriage is over. I'm sorry you're struggling and even more sorry that you'll have to declare bankruptcy. But I applaud you for wanting to move on.

2. The thing that bothers me, (the one for today at least) is that he has the nerve to tell me that he is "scared" to go out there alone and that it will be so much easier when I get there to help him. (what planet is he on? remind me not to visit.) Why is he playing this passive aggressive game with me? He still hasn't taken steps to buy his plane ticket? But wants me to find one and arrange to a pay for it. I am seriously considering starting a go fund me page titled, "help me get him out of my life and get divorced."

He's no longer your responsibility. It was his idea to go across the country without you, so let him pay for it. If you do try to fund his trip, then he'll just criticize you for not raising enough money, you didn't use the right website, you should have done _____ blah blah blah. F*ck him. I read recently that people in abusive relationships try to make things work an average seven times before finally breaking up. If your husband is anything like I was during the gay (or gay-in-denial) manipulator stage, I suspect that your husband had something (or likely someone) planned in Portland. He probably f*cked that up and is now having second thoughts because it's going to be harder than anticipated. Don't forget that gay-in-denial husbands can be master manipulators...or even narcissists. This often includes portraying themselves as victims to get you to do what they want. Turning now to his fears, he's likely panicking because there are going to be consequences. Gay people who continue to deny their sexuality as I did live in fear. I married a woman as cover to hide that I was gay. So his first fear is probably coming out after years of hiding in the closet. He's afraid of losing you as his 'beard.' 

3. Is this normal before a GID man finally comes out? He finally told one of the kids, she's openly gay and has been for a while. I'm waiting for that one to blow up in his face. As I am sure she will tell her mother (his first wife) about it. Since her mother is such a treat I am sure she will tell the rest of his family. Oh well, at least it wasn't me.

The fear, aggressiveness, and anger are all common before coming out. With regards to coming out to a gay daughter, gay men often come out to the safest and most receptive person. It sounds like he's following a similar path.

4. What is all of his going back and forth about? He needs to just accept himself, man up, and quit with these games. My Army training is kicking in and it's about to get ugly around my house. How do I get him to grow up BEFORE we get to that point?

​You don't have to do anything JJ. If you've truly accepted that your marriage is over, then take care of yourself and move on. Don't get sucked in to the role of protector because of his fake "wounded animal" routine. 

5. And to make matters worse? I am seriously thinking about going if he sends, not because I want him, but because there is nothing left for me here. That and the job market for my degree is in high demand there. Now, how screwed up is that?​

​Very screwed up but I applaud you for sharing. You've been through 12 years of hell with this man and you're likely holding on to the hope that things will somehow work out. You're very brave to accept that you don't make the most rational decisions where your husband is concerned. But before getting sucked back in, I'd recommend taking a hard look at the last 12 years and then asking yourself I you want to spend another 12, 24, or 36 years living with the exact same bullsh*t. You can start by re-reading your 112+ posts here. With regards to moving, I think you should ask JK or others who's husbands all tried the "geographic" which is the idea that moving to another place makes everything better. It doesn't. I have a question for you JJ: would you let a blind man drive you around town? Of course not. Blind men can't drive. Why then would you even consider letting an emotionally blind man navigate the rest of your life? I know that it's hard, but it's time to consider moving on...without him. It's time to take the wheel.

​I hope that helps my friend. Please feel free to write again.

Last edited by Séan (March 18, 2017 12:12 pm)

I pray daily that my ex would find a reason to move.  It would truly be a Godsend.  Let him go and enjoy the gift of distance.  I agree with Sean.  I think he had a safety net to go out early and alone.  There is a good chance whatever that was is gone and he may never go now.

Sean,

One last thought, I would stand in the middle of the road and ask a truck to hit me before begging him to stay. So don't worry about that my friend. This new mood is coming in stages, The roller coaster is beginning to flatten a little. I still get sad sometimes but it is getting better.
 

Thank you everyone for posting. JJ I applaud you for sharing so openly and honestly. It takes a lot of courage to write about the very end of your relationship. For those of us who have gone through separation and divorce, what you shared in your recent posts sounds very familiar:

"And to make matters worse? I am seriously thinking about going if he sends, not because I want him, but because there is nothing left for me here. That and the job market for my degree is in high demand there. Now, how screwed up is that?"

​and then yesterday:

​"Oh... I'm not worried he'll leave....I'm worried he'll stay!. First...Sean....I love the "blah, blah, blah" line, I needed the laugh. Oh...no I am trying to find the money for the ticket.....If that will get him out I will gladly pay it."

​For those of us who have been through separation and divorce, we've all experienced an "ambivalent" or "limbo" stage. This is when we've wavered between love & hate, between wanting the relationship to survive and just giving up. I tried to stay with my wife and make it work for 18 months after coming out to her. So I don't have the right to judge you JJ for expressing conflicting emotions. Given what you've shared, both you and your husband are going through the final stage of your relationship: intellectually you know the relationship is over but your hearts are saying "maybe just one last try." Please keep us posted because we can all see ourselves and learn from what you've shared.

​Thanks again for sharing friends.    
 

Last edited by Séan (March 19, 2017 5:57 pm)

Thank you for sharing JJ and JK. All we're trying to do here is help each other work through these issues as quickly and painlessly as possible. That may sound impossible, but it's why we post here. And JJ I'd like to add that compared to me and how I handled the end of my gay/straight marriage, you're moving at light speed! So I applaud you for sharing your feelings, sharing your conflicted feelings (stay put or follow your gay in denial husband), and in your last post accepting that the relationship is ending. Thank you for your honesty and courage.