"There’s nothing wrong with being gay. "  

Chumplady's sentence in context is only partly correct..  I understand what she is trying to say.

It is the lying and cheating.    But in our case;  yes there is something wrong with being gay and its not being prejudice against gays....its that they are gay and married us ..they kept a big hidden lie.   A circular
conundrum.     It makes the  affair so much more horrible and irrecoverable.  

I would think the kids could see that in time..its not you being prejudice against gays...its the big lie.
His actual affair...  I think when they are older they can hear about that if they ask.. though when they are older that should be able to figure it out.     I can't see what purpose that would serve with the kids now but to give them more stress and confusion to bear...how can they process an affair when we can't.    Our cheating spouses never thought of the kids.


 

I think you've really come a long way since you first visited here, JK.  You are clear now on that you want separate lives, and that it's not necessary for the children to see you as a unit in order to get healthy parenting.  Do you currently have no contact with the ex unless it's about the kids/visitation?  If not, you need to revisit that and double down.  My ex used to like to shoot the shit with me whenever he came to get the kids - and when he dropped them off after a visitation weekend.  It got to the point where I'd go up on a Sunday afternoon and take a nap, just so that when he came to drop off the kids, he'd have to ask my current dh about me, who would no doubt NOT wake me.  Instead, my ex would tell the kids to go wake me.  Eventually, I'd tell him that I don't need to know what they did all weekend - I'd learn that from the kids.  The only things I needed to know would have been an emergency that couldn't have waited until the end of the trip, or he could text/call me later to inform me / discuss something that he felt I needed to know.  Then when he called, I'd let it ring to voicemail.  It was surprising how quickly that made him stop contacting me.  No, I don't need to know that dd started her period over the weekend.  She has pads, and she'll tell me if she needs me to know.  No, I don't need to know they fought like cats and dogs all weekend - they do that HERE and I don't call you to tell you.  No, I don't need to know that ds2 slept a ton.  Who cares?!?  I'd see that things he was supposed to be telling me (like whether to expect the kids several hours earlier/later than normal) weren't on the list.  Which means that the information was never for MY sake - it was for HIS.  So HE'D have something valid to share.  Or so that he could interact.  Thanks, but I've moved on, bud.  You have a boyfriend.  Go talk to HIM.  I'm not interested any longer.

It became self-evident over time that if I was barely interested in stuff about the kids unless absolutely necessary, I was certainly not interested in where he and his boyfriend went for fun.  I.Don't.CARE.  It didn't make me angry, or sad.  It was just like an acquaintance oversharing - you ask them how they are as a pleasantry, and they tell you all about their grandkids' school play, and how they played the turnip, blah, blah, blah.  SHUT IT!  No one wants to hear that static!  It got to the point where if the ex came in to wait on the kids in bad weather, I'd say, "I'll go get them", and then not come back.  I don't need to talk to him!  (I made sure not to do that if my current dh was stuck in the area though; otherwise HE'd have to make pleasant conversation with him, and he thinks my ex is an ass.)  Or my ex would knock on the door for the kids and I'd say, "Oh, hi.  I'll let them know you're here and that they should meet you in the car.", and then close the door.  Started telling the kids to just have their dad text them when he's getting off the highway so they could start watching for him.  Works like a charm.  I rarely see the douche now.

I realize that you have a different situation on your hands with the house, and him not having his own place.  But PLEASE understand that we make excuses for EVERYONE.  All.The.TIME.  "He can't visit anywhere else because he doesn't have housing".  Ummm, the truth is that it's been months, and he COULD have housing, but it's not important to him - because it doesn't NEED to be.  He can still his kids.  He still has a place to lie his head.  So why is he going to go changing all that if he doesn't need to?  He doesn't need to because wherever he falls down, you will be there to catch him.  You continue to play your role even when no longer required.  "But the KIDS!", I hear you say.  Yeah, yeah.  He could make time with them out and about (even if for only part of the time).  He could take them to museums or the zoo or the library, or out for nature walks.  But nooooooooo....... because he doesn't.feel.like.it.  Tell him that as of June 15th, he will not longer be using the house to visit the kids in.  That's long enough.  You would NEVER expect that you could do nothing and still receive visitation with your kids - no job, no decent housing, no taking then out for anything.  Not even letting them go to the movie store to choose ONE movie they'd all be excited to see.  Nope!  Just whine and moan and make himself a victim.  Don't fall for that - you would NEVER expect that if you wanted the divorce, you'd let him come over all weekend and tell the kids about poor little old you.  Or bad-mouth him to them.  Nope - you'd do a ton more and you'd succeed.  He's not exceeding because he's incapable or unwilling to change.  That's HIS problem - not yours..  If YOU had that problem, you'd consider if your problem to solve.  Let him put his big boy pants on and be a freaking man.  You just need to expect it.  He will either deliver or he won't.  But giving him another 9 months to get a job/place makes him feel MORE complacent, not less.

Kel

I'm praying for you, if it gets to be too much in the courtroom, think of us.....we will all be there with you in spirit.

Praying for you today jkpeace.  You have touch my life more than you know.  I pray things go smoothly and that you feel peace today in knowing you have made the right decision. 

Thinking of you also, hope you're ok.