Really nice of you to help him with the kids.   

What is your parenting schedule in the settlement?   The days you mentioned?   I would think the kids should be on it so things are routine.      

I can 't  really help.   My one kid will be on spring break but I don't dare alter/deviate from the schedule.
I'll take some days off and do something on my days.      I could also let the kid sit home while I work;  the reality is I pay my exs bills also...I need to work.   But I won't..  I need some time off anyway and he kids are really all i have.

I had no idea though when I got divorced the kids would not want to see me on the days she has them..my one kid even stays there more.    I'm not going to beat myself up over it and try to "win" them. The kids are handling it the best they can.  Still it hurts.    Reality is if it wasn't for my lawyer and a legal agreement she would not let me see the kids at all .   Thank God for my legal agreement that has a parenting schedule that bombards them all with the fact that I am their father and deserve dignity and respect.    Thank God
i have a place and room for them  (which was my only goal in this life...all those people that ask what you want to do with your life..I want to take care of my kids as I'm supposed to).   


Sorry JK..we have different circumstances.. but it triggers PTSD ...my ex is all about hurt...was going to try to take the kids away completely.    Your STBX  needs to get his life together  so the kids have a dad.
He's really lucky to have a STBXW like you.

Last edited by Rob (March 14, 2017 10:49 pm)

JK,
 Reading an earlier post of yours I thought that your husband might be depressed.  It would make sense: he's lost his beard, lost his job, lost his home, lost his boyfriend.  Depressed people have a hard time asserting themselves.  This isn't your problem to solve, of course.  But it might explain the passivity and the "distance."   From what you've written about him, it also seems pretty clear that he's relied on you to organize your family life, and he seems to have no idea how to go about building relationships.  This all makes sense, of course: if you're hiding from yourself, hiding from the world, hiding from your wife and family, you haven't ever made genuine and real connections.  
  Because you want the best for your kids, which includes the possibility of a better relationship with their father, you can't just let him lie in the bed he's made for himself (which he richly deserves to have to do).  But maybe you could bring up the depression, and maybe you could say head-on that he if he doesn't exert himself to have a relationship with the children built on shared activities then he's setting himself up for more distance in the future.

I've had this issue with my ex increasingly over the years.  In the beginning, he wanted them - as in he wanted full custody.  There was never any chance of that - the man didn't have a JOB.  So he had to settle for shared custody, with every-other-weekend visitation, Wednesday evenings on the weeks he won't that that weekend, alternating holidays (with the extra Monday on any holiday weekends that fell on his visitation weekend), a week during Christmas, and three weeks during the summer.  Also Father's Day and his own birthday.  Know what he does?  ABOUT every-other-weekend, and some holidays.  He's NEVER done a Wednesday, he takes them for a few DAYS over the holidays (always some excuse), NEVER takes them for any time in the summer, won't take them on a Monday holiday that falls on his weekend, blew them off this past year for both Father's Day and his own birthday.  My daughter has been angry about all of it, and now is becoming (after 5.5 years of this shit) increasingly unexpectant and unfeeling about the entire thing.  For her dad's birthday last year, he promised to take them out to dinner with he and his boyfriend.  When the day came, he called me to ask where my son was - I told him he was walking home from school (usually rides the bus) with friends.  He'd be home in a half-hour.  He then proceeded to call my daughter and tell her that my son wanted to spend time with his friends, so...... he'd see them the next weekend he had visitation.  Had my daughter all angry at her brother until I sat them both down to get the full story.  Then things revealed themselves.  My son doesn't appear to ever care - no reaction.  My daughter will get angry that my ex manipulate the situation.  I don't say a word - just untangle it all for them.

The times that my ex does have the kids are usually just spent lying around, watching movies.  It's all he ever was interested in doing.  That and shopping at the mall. No cable, no internet, nothin'.  My daughter sleeps a ton, and cooks for them all.  Including my ex's boyfriend and his platonic roommate.  Who then complains about her cooking.  SHE'S THIRTEEN.  My ex went to culinary school, for God's sake.  He works as a waiter because being a chef was "too stressful".  Meaning that he shouldn't be tired of cooking because he rarely does it.  And yet - that's what my kids' weekends consist of - lying around, doing nothing except watching movies and doing chores for their dad.  I have remained quiet about it, because if anyone knows how to complain, it's these kids.  And if they hate it, they'll start telling him they don't want to go anymore.  They know they have that right.  I mean, he encourages them all.the.time that they don't need to come if they don't want to.  It's as if he doesn't even care anymore.

I've seen this stuff happen a lot in divorces - whether it's a gay spouse, or not.  I don't think it HAS to, but the non-residential parent has to decide they want to stay involved and make ways to engage with their kids.  YOU can't make it happen - it has to come from the heart or it's pointless.  You can foster it with ideas - both to your ex and to the kids.  But outside of that, let it be.  Next time he complains about them pulling away, tell him that he's not DOING anything to pull them in.  He's not manufacturing any fun for them, not manufacturing any conversation outside of "Moms' not doing well", or freaking gaslighting.  He's waiting for someone to take charge of his relationship, when he's the only adult IN those relationships.  If he can't decide what he wants and put some planning and work into it, then he'll get what he's already complaining about - lack of emotional intimacy.  You reap what you sow.

Just be enough for the kids - enough love, enough fun, enough discipline, enough care.  They will  be fine, even if they do need to get a little callous to this treatment from him.  I'll bet you it bothers them less than it does you.

If you wanted to be sneaky, you could tell the kids to brainstorm together on things they could all do for fun with Dad that were free.  Walks in the forest preserve, hiking, museums (the public library often has free passes you can check out), going to the library, going to the park, picnics, donating time to a food kitchen, whatever they can think of.  Then have them give the list (excitedly) to their dad.  They will see (and so will you) that if he chooses to do nothing with the list after that that it's him deciding to not bother.  It gives him ideas and options, and it shows them the truth very plainly.

Kel

I don't recommend doing things together as a family.  The only things that have fallen into that category for me over the past 6 years have been us all (including my own extended family and my current husband and his daughter) going to my ex's mother's funeral service.  It was something we did to pay respect to my kids.  His mom had lived with us in our home for many years, so our children were very close to her.  I invited my ex and his boyfriend to my middle son's graduation party (from grade school) the spring before last.  It was in a restaurant, and although everyone else there was my family and friends, we just felt it would be easier to invite the ex than to not.  He also chipped in to pay for it then, too.  The ex and I also sat together for our oldest son's graduation from H.S. that same spring.  He didn't have a party, for various reasons.  The ex and I could have sat separately (and alone, as we only got the two tickets to the graduation), but chose to sit together.  Other things that have been attended by both my ex and I have been separate - like going to my daughter's school chorus shows.  I tell him when and where it is, and if he wants to show, he does.  He would often ask me if I wanted him to come pick me up to go over together.  No.  See you there, if I see you.  I'd always say hi if I saw him and was close enough to do so.  I thought it would be easiest that way - to be cordially chatting when my dd came to find us afterwards.  That way she didn't have to chose between who to go see first, etc.  But otherwise, we do NOTHING together as a unit.  And I feel that's appropriate.  We have our own birthday celebrations on each end with the kids.  The kids love it, as a matter of fact - TWO parties!  Woo hoo!  The ex asks every.single.year if he and I can go in together on presents for the kids - so we can afford to pool the money and get them something nicer.  Nope.  Thanks anyway, already got the present (then I'll name off what I intend to get them, so he doesn't duplicate).  I fell for that the first year, and the kids all came home on Christmas morning with the shared gift, saying, "LOOK what DAD got me!"  Yeaaaahhhhhh.... that's from me, too.  I'm never again doing that, where I don't even get to see the look on my kids' faces when they open presents because they're over their dad's.  Not.gonna.happen.

Plan things for the kids.  Then they'll see that even with raising them, you are trying hard to make them happy and build the relationship.  Their dad doesn't have to do daily kid duty and he still doesn't have time to plan anything fun?  They'll catch on that it's HIM.  And they'll probably brag on you, too - "Mom took us hiking this past weekend!  A squirrel tried to climb my leg!!!"  He'll get the point.  It might not change his behavior, but it'll let him know that the planning isn't coming from the kids.  And it lets the kids know even more clearly who's in their corner.  If your ex steps up and starts spending quality time with the kids, then great - two parents who are showing interest and care.

For too long after we first separated, I felt it was my responsibility to feed my ex info about the kids' schooling, social issues, etc.  Now I do none of that.  I've added him to the school's mailing list for receiving grades for his kids.  He gets all the same mailings that I do.  I added his name to the online grades, and gave him his own password.  Sent it to him, along with the link.  I also added him to have dd's grades emailed to him every week, just like I do for myself.  Now he knows what her grades are, and can bug her about them himself if he sees the need to intervene.  Otherwise he was always questioning me as if Iiiiiii were solely responsible for their grades - when they're in freaking H.S.  The ONLY things I call to tell him about are major medical stuff (like ds2 being diagnosed with scoliosis), and what the game plan is for treatment.  I don't ask his opinion, because it's always VERY different than mine, and it's always something like, "take him for a second/third/fourth opinion", or "I don't want (daughter) on any meds for her depression."  Whatever, dude.  You don't take them to ANY appointments, you don't offer any help.  If that changes, I'll see about including him more.  Until then, he's on a need-to-know basis.  If we have school parent-teacher conferences, I notify him when it is and where (since I've set it up), and if he can make it, he's welcome to.  No, I'm not changing the appointment to be more convenient for you.  You can have your own conference, if you so desire.  I am not your secretary.

Your ex's relationship with his kids is now firmly his and only his to manage.  He CAN do it.  He just feels too sorry for himself to take the reigns.  That's his problem, though.  He led his life dishonestly enough that it's now affecting every aspect of his life.  So be it.  You're not his babysitter.  Think about what it would be like if HE had custody - how far you'd be willing to go to make sure you're informed about their grades, their health, their social and emotional issues.  You wouldn't rely on him to do anything but pass on information that comes to only you (like a call from the school or the police).  If you would go out of your way to be involved with the kids, then he can, too.  Let him step up to the plate.  You can offer him assistance like, "I added your name to the online grade system", and then give him a link and the password - ONCE.  After that, if he contacts you for the info, just tell him he can find the link through School District X's website, and let him do the rest.  If he can't, then he's either not capable or not interested.  And that's HIS problem.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (March 16, 2017 9:50 am)

Hang in there, JK Peace.  Maybe it's time he meets with the kids somewhere other than your house.   There are lots of free areas to hang out. 

Stay strong, my friend.   Hearing about his life as it is now isn't easy, especially if he's not making an effort towards building it away from you.