I am thinking that the "Happy Blogger" being discussed is the woman described in this story: http://extratv.com/2017/03/11/mommy-blogger-announces-divorce-from-gay-husband-it-was-our-secret/ 

I never heard of her or the blog before and I don't think that I have read anything since this became news which indicates exactly when she became aware that he had same-sex attractions.

If they came from conservative Christian backgrounds however it could have been something that she actually entered marriage knowing, believing that their love and faith would enable them to overcome this temptation together. And there are clergy who still encourage this. 

I think I read that the "happy blogger" knew he was gay for a number of years and it was THEIR secret. And now is the right time to tell the kids and come out to the world, divorce and move on doing family dinners, family vacations etc etc etc!!! All so amicable  But as you say Sean we'll see about her follow up in approx 18mths time!

I do know a couple in my hometown (actually I'm aware of two couples in this situation over the last 15yrs or so) but for one of the couples he, in my opinion was an out and out homosexual even while married. When I first met him I couldn't believe he was married, to the point that my STBX and I had a conversation about him being so GAY, he can't be married (little did I know what was going on under my own nose - not with this guy though!!). This guy (a hairdresser) eventually came out, is married to a guy, his ex wife has a partner of her own and the four of them along with the couple's two children have "family" dinners, including Christmas together! The original couple still run a business together...........I'm not sure I understand how that works!
 

​Hi Linda. Thank you for writing. In reply:

1. I have read from other gay men that they cannot stand to be with a woman.  They have tried but said that the thought of it makes their skin crawl. 

I'm assuming that you're straight. If yes, it would be similar to you hearing your entire life that you should be attracted to women and should also marry a woman. So you marry a woman and dutifully have sex with her, not unlike how I slept with my straight wife for years. But you're sleeping with the wrong sex so there is no passion and you eventually start making excuses not to have sex because you just don't enjoy it. I'd say that now I could not see myself ever having sex with a woman again. I wouldn't be able to do it. But I'm not repulsed by women nor their bodies.  

2. I have read on this forum that a man married three different woman, is now 72 and was gay the whole time! 

​I'm not that surprised. I have a theory that the older the gay spouse, the more entrenched the denial. A man aged 72 remembers when being gay was illegal and remembers when gay men were vilified and lynched.

3. I know my ex could perform with me and enjoy it in the beginning, but the more he watched gay porn the less interest he had in me. 

This follows a familiar pattern. It's not the gay porn that turns a gay husband off of sex with his wife, it's his growing awareness of his true (homo) sexuality. Porn was nothing but a catalyst for something that was bound to happen: namely his lack of interest in sex with women.  

4. Now getting ready to marry another woman (counseling and no porn)  who does not see him as gay.  Is this where the term bi comes?  I believe ex would be much more sexual satisfied if he felt comfortable and not in denial  of his gay feelings. we use to have great sex!  Did he just get bored and wanted to look to sex with men?

What do you consider great sex? I could 'perform' with my wife, particularly in my 20s and 30s, but had to fantasize about men in order to maintain my erection and orgasm. So I can't mistake performance for enjoyment. I can only speak about my own experience. As I got older, it became harder and harder to deny my attraction for men. Before coming out, my wife and I hadn't had sex for almost two years. This tapering off coincided with an increase in watching porn. Now out, I haven't watched any porn in over two years. I no longer needed it. Getting back to your question, I'd need more information to provide an opinion about your and your husband. But if your sex life cooled off and then stopped while he increasingly turned to porn and gay hookups, perhaps it was more a case of your former husband accepting his true sexuality. Not boredom.

​I hope that helps in some small way Linda. Please write again if I haven't answered your questions.

Last edited by Séan (March 14, 2017 3:25 pm)

JK started a fascinating thread http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=595 about her husband distancing himself from the kids. As a gay ex-husband, I've experienced a similar disconnect with my own kids and am happy to share my journey.

​By way of background, I experienced gay attraction at age 5, suppressed it, met a girlfriend at age 18, married her at age 27, and had three kids starting from 30-37. I came out at 40, divorced at 43, and am now 45. My wife has primary custody. I started posting on this forum last autumn.

​Gay people have a lot of emotional problems. And I'm just writing about gay people who come out in their teens or 20s. Coming out is emotionally traumatic but coming out to a straight spouse, divorcing, and breaking up a family is nothing short of soul-destroying. What's worse is that we've chosen to do these things so we can't justifiably play both aggressor and victim. I've read a lot of posts here from straight spouses who refer to their gay husbands (sorry Rob and Lostdad) as distant, guarded, or somehow 'playing a role.' This was my experience. I was playing straight my whole life. Yes I was a good dad, but I lived with the fear that people would find out my secret. When that secret came out, I went into a very deep and dark depression.

Now please don't think I'm trying to play the victim card. I firmly believe straight spouses are the heroes here...particularly straight spouses who continue raising kids. I cheated on my wife. I lied about it. I was a narc-like *sshole to her. I own it all and have apologized for my past behaviour. I'm sharing all of this to explain why so many gay husbands distance themselves from their kids. After separation, I went through a very deep and dark depression. After coming out, I expected pride parades, disco balls, and glitter. The reality was an empty apartment, angry kids, hostile in-laws, and loneliness. I'd spent my entire life pretending and getting validated for my Oscar-worthy performance. I'd built an entire life around a mask and that mask had fallen.

​My ex-wife was a stay-at-home mom. I supported the family and she raised our kids. So she did the majority of the child rearing. For the last five years of my marriage, I was angry and withdrawn. It was neglect. I was lost in a fog of anger, cheating, and screen addictions (mainly porn). In short, I wasn't a dad. And at the very lowest point of my relationship with my kids, I told them I'd be divorcing their mother. I've built an entire life on validation so when challenged, I tend to run. This includes running from my children's disapproval. As Kel described in a recent post, I too am the gay dad who got lazy. The less time I spent with my kids, the less time they wanted to spend with me, and down it went. I'm now starting to address this but it's an uphill battle rebuilding relationships with kids who feel a mixture of love and hate for their dad. But I'll get there. 

​I do want a relationship with my kids but I have to overcome my aversion to people who don't immediately validate me. I have to overcome relationship laziness. I want it to be 'easy' because I've always surrounded myself with enablers and cheerleaders. I went from playing the perfect dad to being a 'bad dad' and 'faggot.' This is why I believe gay fathers distance themselves from their kids, whether or not we come out. But it's now 100% up to me to rebuild a relationship with my kids. I can't involve (nor blame) my ex-wife. As Kel recently shared:

"Your ex's relationship with his kids is now firmly his and only his to manage.  He CAN do it.  He just feels too sorry for himself to take the reigns.  That's his problem, though.  He led his life dishonestly enough that it's now affecting every aspect of his life.  So be it.  You're not his babysitter.  Think about what it would be like if HE had custody - how far you'd be willing to go to make sure you're informed about their grades, their health, their social and emotional issues.  You wouldn't rely on him to do anything but pass on information that comes to only you (like a call from the school or the police).  If you would go out of your way to be involved with the kids, then he can, too.  Let him step up to the plate.  You can offer him assistance like, "I added your name to the online grade system", and then give him a link and the password - ONCE.  After that, if he contacts you for the info, just tell him he can find the link through School District X's website, and let him do the rest.  If he can't, then he's either not capable or not interested.  And that's HIS problem."

100% agree! Please feel free to send me your questions.  

Last edited by Séan (March 16, 2017 10:17 am)

And to make matters worse? I am seriously thinking about going if he sends, not because I want him, but because there is nothing left for me here. That and the job market for my degree is in high demand there. Now, how screwed up is that?