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- JJ1966
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Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)
My word of honor I would never turn so far from the light that I would take my own life. If for no other reason than to P@#s him off.
Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
- maresyd
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Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)
My biggest fears were, in no particular order:
I wouldn't be able to financially survive on my own-2 incomes and a big house, to no house and much less income. Except I did, and I am.
I would never feel truly loved by anyone. Except I did, and I am. By many people; maybe not in the way that I thought love should be. The truth is, it's everywhere. .
I was crazy for thinking he was gay and should stay because we were great friends, and leaving that would be stupid. Except I wasn't crazy, didn't stay, and did leave, and I was right about him.
That I would not be able to trust a man to really let him in emotionally. In the 15 years since I left, there have only been 2 men I've trusted enough and gotten close enough with to do this. A definite weak point for me.
That if I told his truth (and mine) it would hurt more people in such a deep way (I obviously knew this).
It did hurt many, especially because I didn't hold his bags and tell his truth for him. People didn't understand. I just left, and told who I wanted, in my own time. Partially to feel safe from his backlash of assholery, and partially to let go of the iron cloak of his issues that I had carried around for so long.
That people would think I was an idiot for not knowing. I'm sure some people do think that. The thing is, I don't really care. I know I'm not. I also know that those who judge that way haven't had my experience. But the wonderful people here? You have. I thank God every day for all of you, who are strong survivors. Watching the positive fuel on these boards is an amazing high. Thank you.
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- maresyd
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Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)
JJ1966....so happy you are here, you are brave enough to tell us your thoughts, and that you know your life has value and you plan on sticking around.
Who else would help us put together playlists of moving on songs? 
We need you. The world needs you. Name the day and I know there are some of us that will roadtrip to celebrate your freedom. Virtually we are here for you whenever you need us.
Hugs M
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- Rob
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Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)
"..
But I fear
I have nothing to give.
I have so much to lose.
I have nothing to give.
We have so much to lose."
- Sarah McLachlan "Fear"
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Lake Breeze
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Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)
Maresyd - Excellent post above. Thank you for it. It touches on many things I can relate to.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
- JJ1966
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Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)
marsyd,
now..about that list.......movies.....great movies that take you out of yourself?
The Ghost and Mrs. Muir Rex Harrison and Gene Tierny
Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
- JJ1966
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Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)
I love lists........OCD that way.
Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
- maresyd
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Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)
JJ1966.... that list is so long! I tend to move toward movies that have a strong character overcoming something.....go figure.
One that I tend to love is Peaceful Warrior. Also, the documentary Happy, or the documentary I Am. I have so many others, ones that make me laugh and cry. As I mentioned in another post, The Descendants is a movie that really hit home, and I recently saw it again. Great film.
Paging lostdad....we need to get that resource list/site going.
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- maresyd
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Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)
Also, for any of you reading that need to remember to believe in yourself....one of my favorite scenes from Mr. Holland's Opus. Remember that you already know the notes...you CAN do anything.
Play the sunset, all of you. Take the beautiful parts of you that you've forgotten, and get back in touch with them.
Here's the clip:
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- Rob
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Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)
Angry teenager rap song with bad words.. that I found myself ironically singing along to the chorus..
"..
Guts over fear, the time is near
Guts over fear, I she'd a tear
For all the times I let you push me 'round, I let you keep me down
Now I got, guts over fear, guts over fear"
..
- Eminem with Sia "Guts Over Fear"
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7