Hi Duped,

I don't know what an autogynephilic is but all I have to know to answer your question is what you said in your last sentence: There have been lots of lies and he's good at confusing you to confuse your reality.

Why would you want to get back together with someone like this?  It doesn't matter that he says he wants a heterosexual relationship and a family.   Those are lies and manipulations.  If you push all of your past three years of experience with him aside and chose to believe his latest lie then you're signing up for a lifetime of distress. 

It's not like he was straight forward from the start and told you of the things he likes to do.  Nope, you had to go out and find it and THEN he admitted it.  Also, let me tell you my experience with the "I've abandoned all that, it's just a fantasy, watching gay porn doesn't make you gay, and I never acted on it" comments.  I heard the same BS for years.  Every time I heard he had given it up I would later find more porn.  Then that porn morphed into ordering dildos and other toys.  They create more lies to cover up the previous lies.  As far as the "I never acted on it and it's just fantasy"....tell that to my doctor who ended up telling me I had herpes. 

Save yourself before you end up sucked into his lies and married to this man.  Once they go down this road there is no going back.  They seem believable and you want to believe it, but I have yet to meet one who could do it.  Stand your ground, don't question yourself, don't take his phone calls, and move on.  it will be the best thing you ever did.  I promise!! 

This is out of my area of expertise, so I can't help much, except to offer a welcome to you Duped.  I'm glad you signed up and shared your story.  I hope our group can help you make sense of things and figure out a way to move forward. 

oh.. one little comment..   As a 100% hetero male, I can tell you that the line of thinking you described is completely ridiculous to me. (he's bisexual in terms of porn, but "capable" of heterosexual relationship)  No straight guy ever said "I'm capable of a hetero relationship".  That's basically admitting that he's not hetero, but can make it look like he is.   Based on 100's of stories I've heard here on this forum, he seems like he's Gay in Denial or Trans in Denial and wants to keep you to keep up appearances. 

I'm so tired of these partners (usually men) trying to convince us that they're sooooo confused, and that what they really need is our understanding and support, and then they can behave.  Bullshit.  they knew EXACTLY what they were doing - they just didn't realize that they'd get caught.  What are they going to say, "I knew what I was doing and I've treated you like shit, but I'd like you to forget all that so I can still have what I want."?  WTF???  I mean, that IS what he's saying to you.  That and that he's not really gay and he's not really done anything.  Yeah?  Well I consider posting naked pics of himself online SOMEthing.  I consider hiding an entire persona something.  I consider him not telling you the truth until you found out really big.  If you hadn't found out, do you think he'd have come to you to tell you he had a problem, and he'd like to stop?  I HIGHLY doubt it.

It's all lies.  It's designed to let them look better to us than they know they should.  And to make us feel for them, so we give to them rather than walking away.  Meanwhile, what is he doing for YOU?  How well-loved and cherished do YOU feel?  Are you happy?  If not, then it doesn't matter if he sees himself as gay or ever admits it.  Get that toxic out of your life.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (March 8, 2017 3:37 pm)

Dear Duped,
 I am married to an autogynephile, self admitted, and what you are describing is a man who is already far down the trans train tracks.  He may say he is "capable" of a relationship with you, but his primary relationship is always going to be with the woman he'd like to be (or believes he is "inside"). You will discover that his being into you is a way for him to be into what it's like to be a woman.  You will always simply be a prop in the relationship he is conducting with himself.  An autogynephile rejects male sexuality and his penis--he wants a female body, and sex with a man who doesn't want to be male is, let me tell you from bitter experience, an exercise in frustration for you.  You will be reduced to role playing, allowing him to act out his ridiculous sissy fantasies.  Some autogynephiles remain heterosexual, and declare that their relationships with women are now "lesbian"; some take their longing for the female experience of penetration (for that's what they think defines woman) the other way, and seek to validate themselves as "women" by seeking out male partners--or so-called "she-males."   Autogynephilia is a sexual paraphilia, and such men often have other sexual paraphilias as well, masochism being one of them.  
  As you are not married and don't have children, my advice to you is to run like hell in the other direction, and to go no contact.  This is a relationship with absolutely NO future.

Duped,
 Autogynephilia is a sexual thing; he's enthralled with his penis because it's how he processes the pleasure.  Pre-op trans, he-she, whatever.  He needs it to experience the sexual high.  
  Focusing on the self is indeed the answer.