Thanks for you welcomes and post Cliff and Leah.
You're probably right Cliff when you say your ex in laws feel guilty, there's a lot to feel guilty about! It's sad when they can't be honest, even slightly with us though. Sure families stick together but I feel the support for my husband could have been there along with some respect for me too. NONE of my in laws have ever contacted my son to see how he's coping with what he was subjected to. All of my family have seen and spoken to my STBX, only one of my in laws has bothered with me.All of my children have seen their grandmother a couple of times since TGT and she's only ever said how are you in the customary greeting, never asking with any concern how they're coping with this revelation but talks at length about how she never knew, how he couldn't tell them while he was growing up, why didn't I do this or that, why did I not question more etc etc, it's insulting to them and me.

Leah, I'm blown away by the similarities between a number of cases on here, including yours and mine. I do get how they're suddenly FREE of their secret and they probably feel such a weight is lifted off their shoulders. The total lack of humility and the narcissism that's been exposed is horrific. I genuinely feel if he'd been struggling with his feelings and not acted on them for over 25 years behind my back, lying to me and engaging in the attack is the best form of defence whenever I questioned any behaviours or had told me at some stage over the years I'd have been ok, after the initial shock of it all. 

I find it's the blame her mentality, he's the biggest victim here, the justifying his actions for all the years and sure I was so judgemental, critical and hard to please that the marriage couldn't have worked anyway, is so hard to take. It's me has the better life now according to him! I've the better house (he'd be in a worse place financially if I'd stayed in the original family home) but he looks on himself as such a victim that he can't see (or won't see) what's really been done here. Yeah Leah, I've been told too to get over it, it's been a year already!

Leah, the confusion is so real, who was the person you trusted and loved. I was told in my physical support group that it takes one month per year of the relationship for you to come to terms with the reality of the situation, so in my case I'd be looking at 32 months, still a ways to go yet. You're probably similar if it happened when your youngest went off to college. By that calculation I've another 17 months to go before I'm any way ok with it!

I was talking with a friend yesterday while we were walking around a shopping area, with families all around us, I said I actually feel resentful for the life we didn't have, the lack of a proper family life he denied us all (I didn't realise the extent of this until looking back with hindsight, the times I let him have his lie ins at the weekends but it was really only hiding, the times I didn't expect him to come shopping with me, it was easier to go alone or even on my own with three kids!) We could have been much better friends had he shared his secret and I'd have had explanations for the gap I felt was there but he kept saying everything is ok, he's fine, there's nothing wrong at all. It was all lies.

I hear you so clearly and empathise with you when you say all the memories come back, all the times you felt something was wrong, all the times you probably believed him that you were crazy, demanding etc. it's cruel, it really is very very cruel how some people can feel entitled to treat someone that way. 

I believe your sexuality doesn't make you become something you're not capable of being. Their sexuality didn't make them deceitful, they're obviously people capable of being deceitful. Their sexuality doesn't make them be unfaithful, they're capable of being unfaithful. They're capable of being all the things they became over the years.

I've met some women in my physical group and they're years younger than me, some with kids under 10. One or two have expressed a wish that this had been hidden until the kids were grown but I feel they've 20 years to get to where I am. Their kids will never have to deal with the shock of the outing or how their mother will take it and the wives will have an opportunity to get some sort of life for themselves, I know it'll be difficult rearing kids but lots of people do it. I feel I was used, all my good years taken and once he got the kids "done for" as he said I was cast on the scrap heap, a menopausal woman good for nothing! I do have some self worth, please don't fear for me but there are times when you do feel you were used, keep the house clean, rear the kids, do all the menial chores and then BYE NOW! It's amazing too how he can suddenly do his laundry, clean house, all the things he turned his back on over the years!

I'm glad you ranted Leah, I feel I introduced myself to this group with a rant (but I'm a lovely person really ). The situation we find ourselves in lends itself to rants from time to time! Just know Leah you're not alone with your struggles. I reckon there'll still be what I call shaky head moments for years yet - moments when I recall conversations or situations that he knew the reason behind and I didn't!

Chin up all - believe there's better out there for us, take baby steps and hopefully some day we'll be charging forward into a wonderful new future.

OMG yes....my ex is so the same.  He was sooo critical -  Esp. if I had the temerity to criticise him or ask something of him and then....I was demanding, controlling or worse.  He prided himself on never asking anything of me.  So taking care of our children, meals etc. that was all my choice to do or not.  So many situations where I asked him to take more childcare responsibility esp. were made into a huge ask.  So I didn't rock the boat.  Eggshells.  Turning all the criticism against myself and ending up isolated and depressed.  And yet now he says to me "you could have done anything!"  Right, I was just lazing about with three kids and the always looming end of his job/contract.  I made us a nice life, organized the holidays and all the social contact etc.  He just had everything on a plate, except that I was depressed at times and now I think of course I was depressed.  I was being undermined and confused by the very most intimate relationship in my life.  One day I'm hated, the next tolerated, the next affectionate, and so on....it is so sad to look back at how low my self-esteem got.... I actually wore a wig and false boobs for his 40th. It was such a big party and yet on his actual birthday the monday he got angry because we hadn't done much on the day... so the party with 40+ people didn't count because he'd had to help set up!!!  The lengths I went to to try and make him happy were myriad.  And doomed.  It was never enough.  I was never enough.

So desperately sad to think how desperate I was for some positive admiration.  I am a really beautiful woman and my husband seemed oblivious to me.  Compliments were rare.  He never took photos of me.  I've been dating a man and he is always taking photos of me and telling me how gorgeous I am....it is so weird as now I'm 52 and feel 101! 

And so many situations that I confronted him with....porn, new 'friend' and even gaydar profile and he denied denied denied.  I remember so clearly after the gaydar I found, asking him, steeling myself for the worse and trying to be compassionate as I thought this was 'his struggle' and yet even though by that time he'd had dozens of blow jobs and a six month affair with a woman he said NOTHING! 

My GIDX does seem gay and a few friends husbands have commented "yea, I thought he was" I had an inkling when I first glanced at him - MY FIRST SIGHT of him!   Gahhhh why did I not run.....

And like your ex, mine has a similar attitude, I'm just an angry person.  Nothing to do with the memories of soooo many times when he could have been honest and open or at least just kind instead of attacking me endlessly.  He says the same.... Yes why bother doing that to yourself!!! As if we were the ones in control of the situation???  It is crazy making. 

Today I'm just in overwhelm with the thought of letting go of the family home... I need to get out of here, but it was my dream....and letting go seems so hard.  So many here seem to do Herculean tasks of moving and I just am struggling to feed myself and the cat!  My therapist and so many people keep asking what do I want....and it makes me cry.... I wanted a happy and healthy family and devoted myself to that end...and now it is in such tatters.  I am alone with kids flown and the rubble and reminders of the lies all around me....  I have good days.  Today isn't one of them...but thanks this is helping as I feel like I cant talk about it anymore with people as they all just don't get it.  Move on.... of course I want to.... and I will....

So is the month for each year from divorce or disclosure?

jk,
 You have spoken an important truth: "it is impossible to be healthy, emotionally, after hiding from one's own self for decades."  
   My husband felt the urges he does for a long time, tried for decades to figure out who he was and what he felt (he called himself a "male feminist," for example) before he decided that what really satisfied and titillated him was feminizing himself by wearing women's clothing and acting out the part of a subservient woman, and I am only just now realizing what a toll those years took on him (and on me and on us and our family). He's always been inward looking, self absorbed, emotionally distant; and now that he's finally named his condition but doesn't think he can own it publicly I can see just how very mixed up he is.  

jkpeace, none of us were ever to know we married broken men..........there was no way I could have known and I'm sure that's the case for you also and so many others. These men functioned well by society's standards and their Oscar performances as portraying straight men. I honestly don't think my husband was mean or spiteful either, spiteful has come out since TGT though, I get he struggled internally but it's what that led him to do externally that I struggle to comprehend.....it goes so against the grain to what he put across to our kids growing up and anyone who knew him. Although since TGT I've lost count of the number of people who've said to me they never really knew him, there was always a wall..........one that I never managed to knock down or put a chink in!

I'm more annoyed at the lost years of feeling desired, desirable and lovable..........my best years are gone. At the time I put my all into rearing my family.......and prided myself on a job well done so to speak...........but now it looks like there are relationships within that that can never be salvaged and that's tough. I'm similar to you jkpeace about not really caring about the loss of womanhood..........in fact I imagine if anyone did show me affection I'd find it overbearing and would probably question their motives and push it away..........wouldn't know how to receive it!

Sometimes I wonder is it better to have younger children to focus on to get you through the woods or better when they're grown...........you've both, challenging no doubt! I find mine (or at least two of them) are completely questioning this person who they thought was a good man, expected so much of them, morally, socially and academically......a classic case of do what I say not as I do! Both daughters are married now and have their husbands and lives to forge going forward, my son is doing a Masters and hopefully will thrive. Shortly I'll be in the situation where none of them will even be in the same country as me.........I'll be alone (with the dog they all wanted and I put off so long getting as I felt all the looking after it would fall on me - hate being proved right on that one), not where I saw myself at 54 but I keep telling myself it could be worse, I could still be in a sham of a marriage not knowing the truth and just being used more and more........that has to be the worse scenario

Good for you Rob, the worst part would be if we were still in the dark.......at least now we know the truth, hard and all as it is to comprehend how anyone could deceive someone to such extent.

We had friends whose husbands had the typical midlife crisis and my STBX couldn't understand what was wrong with them............WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THEM??!!!!!! He was completely off his rocker!!!!

Here's to a life free from lies deceit and false reality..............better things ahead!!