I had this feeling for years that something is wrong, since last November I been telling him that I believe he is gay, he laugh and make jokes about it, telling me I have to go for medication and treatment because I'm depressed, laletly I'm more strong about telling him what I'm think and why, same thing laughing and also telling his son (my stepson) by phone that I'm calling him gay and both laugh a lot.  Do you think its normal way to answer for a straight husband when wife ask

When we started to living together the sex was very regular and he likes to speak dirty and telling me I need two man, one in my p y another in my a, and he said he will be taken me to a swinger club and find one man, (this kind of conversation scares me at hell and I told him stop to talk like this, because I couldn't enjoy it) then he said its just kind of sex fantasies but he will not do it again and he stops since then.  But... in all the sites looking for women I found one for swingers too, but could not find any messages, just the profile.  well we are talking about 8 years about and I delete and also we change computers, moving to Jacksonville (he is from Georgia) sold the house overthere , buy another overhere etc.  but some stranges filling never abandon me during this years, felling neglected, without attention, no emotional connected.  In general He is a worker man, never go outside without me, never spent nothing in his credit card or debit card (specially I am the administrator, means our payckeck go to same account which pay all the bills, I'm who paid everything) He does not have cell phone since probably 6 years ago, no man friends just some from his town and rarely he sees them or talk by home phone some day.
Ahh almost forget tell you about the dildo, in the conversations that we used to have by internet before merried he was very sexual talker, that bothers me a little because I wanted to know about him, etc. anyways some time he said he will be buying a dildo for me, well I let it pass, but when I come and living in the house with him when I found the other womans chat he said the same to them and one Russian girl told him for whats she needs a dildo if he has a real one (and I reacted, lord its that I though???)
Well, dear Sean, I think a wrote a lot to you, but just if you have time read all and ask me whatever you want, please just putting here some of my thoughts together make me feel better today, because really I'm really thinking I m crazy.   By the way, I'm started to tell him he is a gay, he laugh and this weekend I told him again and his son come over after visiting he starts to tell the song what I said, and both laughing and making jokes about, until today the son call by phone and he again told the son that I'm continue saying the same and problably the reason means I want to said Happy because gay means happy, joking like this.   My question, its a normal reaction, for me was (hey from where this came from on your mind, what happens, why you are in this mood, etc.)?????

Thank you for writing Aris. The fact that you're investigating, posting here, and asking him direct questions about his sexuality are normally very strong signs that your husband may be gay. There are other signs such as sex toys (dildos), his interest in seeing you have sex with another man, and the two of you having less and less sex. These too would also suggest he's gay in denial. Unfortunately, if he's lived most of his life in the closet, it's highly unlikely you'll get a straight answer to the question: "Are you gay?" He seems to have laughed about it and recruited his son to laugh about it as well even though it's a very serious question.

​So what now? I'd suggest you stop focusing on him and start focusing on you. You should write down what you want from a relationship. Think of it as a relationship constitution. Once you've written down what you truly want as far as love, respect, intimacy, and honesty, then ​you can evaluate your marriage. If you're not getting what you want and need, you'll start feeling angry, depressed, bitter etc. Now that you're clear on what you want, you can stop focusing on what he's saying, ​because it's often bullsh*t, and focus rather on his actions. If you have proof he's cheating with men and this violates one of your major relationship rules, then you need to separate and divorce. Let me be clear regarding my own personal opinion, there is no way a gay/straight marriage can work. ​Many women in this forum have tried to stay in gay/straight marriages and things just got worse post-discovery or post confrontation. The fact is that a gay man, no matter how hard he tries, can't give a straight wife what she needs: intimacy; fidelity; and honesty. My ex-wife and I tried to stay together for 18 months after I came out to her and things just got worse and worse. I hope that helps in some small way.  

Last edited by Séan (March 5, 2017 5:26 pm)

I'm so sorry you're feeling angry and alone Aris. I'd recommend you post your full story on your own thread or here if you like. By sharing your story, the many members of this group can give you love and support. I'd also suggest calling the Straight Spouse Network (773-413-8213) to find out about meetings and contacts in your area. Please keep coming back. You're no longer alone as you're among friends. Be well.

Last edited by Séan (March 6, 2017 11:38 am)

Iris asked me to post her message and my response here.

1. Hi Sean, you recently posted about HOCD and the website YourBrainOnPorn. Thanks, it's been really informative. I truly think my husband has a significant porn addiction. I think he has to address this addiction before and sort of clarity regarding his sexuality can happen.

​For those who are new to the forum, HOCD is "homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder." I should caution that there is no scientific evidence that HOCD truly exists. In brief, the theory is that porn addicts have watched so many porn videos that they eventually have to look outside of their own sexuality to find the same stimulation. The theory is that straight men addicted to porn for years eventually end up watching gay porn to get off. It's like a drug addict taking increasing quantities of their drug to get the same high. But sex and cheating are two completely different things. I should caution that it's one thing to claim that HOCD led a straight husband to watch gay porn as this is virtual. Hunting around the internet looking for gay sex and then cheating with men are on a completely different level. I still question the "porn made me do it" argument because I believe it's a head fake. 

2. The end is still the same, we will be separating because he lied and cheated so this post is more for my own clarity and not because I'm hoping to save this relationship.

​That took a lot of courage to focus on the lies and cheating.

3. So here goes....hearing him talk, he doesn't sound like a gay man. He doesn't identify as such, he says he is really attracted to women. He thinks his acting out physically is an extension of his addiction. He says that men are just easier to act out with. Some of his experiences were with escorts so maybe he is truthful about the "only receiving oral" claim.

When you were caught, was it ever just "one beer," or "one joint"? Probably not. The "one time" argument is a common fallback position to try and shift responsibility while minimizing the behaviour. While the world may think that gay men can have sex whenever they want and wherever they want, I know from experience that it's not that easy. Booking escorts takes a lot of time. I've hired them in the past. You have to find the escort, negotiate a price, and there is a lot of back and forth about what services are to be provided. The same applies to Craigslist hookups. They don't just happen. I used a gay sex app called Grindr. A LOT of messages and photos are exchanged. And there is even more communication between closeted gay men or gay-in-denial husbands because they're terrified of being found out. With regards to him being masculine, of course he is...he's been pretending most of his life. Few gay-in-denial husbands walk around in fairy wings covered in pixie dust.   

4. Again, it doesn't matter whether he just received oral, is gay, or even if he's been having full on gay sex....the lying and cheating is the bottom line.

​AMEN!

​5. I'm just trying to "know my enemy" as was mentioned previously. Thoughts? I actually want him to be gay, I think it would be easier for me to deal with

​I want to applaud your courage in making the very hard decision to separate and divorce. It's very common to hold on to the hope that porn or some other factor resulted in your husband's homosexuality. After all, following these revelations you're likely questioning your entire history together. But I'd caution you to spend more time working on you. Make sure you are healthy, safe, and learning to live independently of your husband's manipulations. This means continuing to post here, calling the Straight Spouse Network to find contacts or meetings in your area, and surrounding yourself with people who love you and have no stake in maintaining your broken marriage.

​I hope that helps in some small way. Please feel free to write again if you have more questions.

Last edited by Séan (March 6, 2017 1:47 pm)