Hi GG,

Welcome.  Your story has many similarities to mine.  Military, dildos, no presents, questionable internet searches, lots of sex but with no emotion. 

One Christmas he didn't get me anything.  He used the excuse that he had been away on a military trip.  nice try, he got back two days before Christmas and was only gone a week prior.  I guess all of December was too short to shop for a simple gift (our limit was always $100 or less - it's not like I was asking for the moon).  One Christmas he got me a bag of socks and a box of pens.  His reason?  Well, "you said you like to try out new pens and you like new socks".  Yes, when I buy them for myself and NOT for Christmas.  But my all time favorite gift was when he got me a picture of him, framed in a tiny frame.  Not even a real picture printed from a photo place, but a pic he printed on our black and white printer on some regular paper.  He cut out the rest of the picture and just framed his face.  Why you ask???  Because the rest of that picture was of him jerking off!!!  omg.

You are not crazy and you have no reason to be ashamed of snooping.  Rob is right - it's your gut instinct.  Initially I had no instinct that told me to snoop.  I found all of his gay internet porn 100% by accident.  But after that, after all the promises that everyone does it and he would stop if it bothered me, I knew I had a reason to keep an eye on that computer.  I actually gave him a year, a whole year before I checked on it again at the urging of a friend.  And, there it was, gay porn everywhere.  Eventually, after years of second and third and fourth chances, I knew I had to walk away.  I had no "solid" proof, just lots of gay porn and dildos that he ordered "for me" even though that was not something we used in our sex life....ever, nor did I want to.  He even took the liberty of ordering a strap on that I immediately told him to throw out.  Well, immediately after I figured out what it was as he stood there and grinned like a jack ass.

My point to all this is to let you know that you're not alone.  There are so many similarities in everyone's journey here.  Keep reading and posting.  You'll figure out what you need and want to do.  It won't be overnight and that's ok. It took me years too. Just know that we're here for you.   
 

Kel,

"If he doesn't love me or even like me, WHY does he keep buying me new things that we can't afford??? "

Guilt ? 


 

Thank you Rob, Kel, and Still Wondering for your kind words!

@Rob- Yeah, snooping sucks. I haven't gone crazy with it since I know there won't be much to see and so far I have been correct. I believe he is in a long term relationship(3ish years) with his friend and I won't find any random hookups or CL postings. 

@Kel- No, I did NOT say it 1,000 times a day to him. I would only say it a handful of times in a day. Never called him at work unless it was something quite important to talk about right then. I'm not a clingy type of person. I want love, but I'm not desperate. But yeah, I agree that it was a very strange thing to say, especially at the beginning of our marriage. 

I gotta say that this place has been very therapeutic for me. I've read a bunch of posts and someone will say something just the right way and it brings light to something in my marriage or a memory will surface that I hadn't thought about in years.

One sign of cheating is that the cheater will hide their phone or lock it or some such shady behavior. I thought my husband doesn't do that. But then I remembered a handful(20ish) of times that he did that over the span of several years. He would be texting or emailing someone and I would ask "oh who you chatting with?" and he would jokingly and goofily say no one or none of business. That got my attention and I would press for an answer. He would keep deflecting until I gave up. Then a few minutes or even a few hours later he would jokingly be like "See it was my mom or brother(or some other innocuous person)!". There would be a small cluster of hidings over a couple of months and then it wouldn't happen again for several months. Wash, rinse, repeat. I always thought it was bizarre. It hasn't happened in a couple of years and I totally forgot about them. I think it stopped because he in a relationship with his friend.

I totally discounted this person before because he is in his late 60s, overweight, and has health issues. But this is the only person's house he goes to. Almost every day. From the time he gets home from work until we go to bed. Before, I think this was the very beginning of their relationship, he would stay there until 11, 12, 1 at night and have to be up at 0530 to go to work. He does tons of house repairs for him. He is always fixing techy stuff that has to do with their ham radio hobby and putting up, taking down, or repositioning antennas. He has gotten this man to clear out his hoarded basement and garage. I always thought their relationship was like father and son since the friend's own son doesn't want to come around(the friend pushed his own son away). I thought that somehow he was inviting guys over to the friend's house but that the friend's wife would know and she would never be able to keep a secret like that. She is the sweetest lady EVER! She is a surrogate grandma to my kids and I love her dearly. That's when I realized that she is the empath spouse and he is the narcissist GID. My nickname for the friend is Man Baby because he truly is one. Everything just slammed into place. It all made freaking sense! I could totally see how their marriage mirrored ours. I don't know what their sex life has been like but the wife mentioned "infertility problems" when trying to conceive their only son. The wife has even said that my husband is able to get her husband to do things(take meds, clean up spaces, not spend money on stuff, etc.) that he won't listen to her about. And then that got me to actually analyzing our sex life.

I also believe he had a 5 month affair when he was deployed for the second time. They stayed in dorms and had internet in their rooms, so I saw some of their interactions. They would go to the movies together and dinner and other activities that the base put on for the troops. I joked that they acted like an old married couple. Not old or married but, I believe they were a couple. After his deployment, for several months his sexual difficulties were a lot more pronounced. 

At the beginning of our marriage we had a lot of sex. Totally normal, ya know. Then we started adding kids into the mix. It would ebb and flow but even at our lowest, we still had sex once a week, sometimes twice. Then we moved to our current residence and sex only happens once every month or two. I have a lower sex drive than he does and I would mostly let him take the initiative when he wanted it. I forgot that after I refused to use the strap on, a couple of years later, he bought a couple of double dildos. As you can guess, I still refused to use them.  Since we have been living here, he has been more angry about my lack of sex drive and not wanting(refusing him) sex. Even I thought it was weird that it went so low. I could never put my finger on why I didn't want sex as much as before. It wasn't until I came here and realized that he had been gaslighting me, a lot, the last few years(and before that). He would mention sex or use some euphemism, during the day, to act like he was showing interest. But then he wouldn't do anything when we went to bed. Any time we disagree or argue, he somehow brings it around to if we had sex more it would solve all our problems. This was such a baffling statement. How could having more sex solve any of the mundane issues concerning finances or disciplining children or why did you buy that $400 ham radio or why you won't fix the deck like you say every year?  I now know why. But I can't screw him straight. It just won't work no matter how much he wishes it.

I'm glad I can come here and pour all of this crap out and not have to keep it bottled up. Thanks for your ears(eyes)!

GG (that's short for GardenGnome)

No, you don't need "proof".  I totally get what you're saying - I was there myself.  I knew my parents and siblings would be unsupportive of my decision to leave - mostly because I had children, and the most important thing was giving them a stable environment.  I never did think he'd cheated on me, and there were clues that he liked men, but no "proof" beyond a few things that he said were misinterpreted.  But I DID know that there was a complete lack of intimacy - and by that, I mean anything related to intimacy - not just sex.  We did still occasionally have sex, but it was perfunctory and "off" - he wouldn't touch me below the waist (with his hands), nor would he look me in the eye during said sex.  Now,.... I didn't (nor should I have) shared those details with my family.  I simply said, "He's not in love with me.  We have intimacy issues.  We've tried counseling - several times - over many years.  Even the counselor hasn't been able to make any headway into what his issues stem from.  Regardless, he doesn't love me the way a husband should love a woman.  I've tried to stuff that down for years - sacrifice on behalf of the kids, love and respect my husband anyway.  But in the end, it didn't work.  I'm supposed to feel loved, cherished, provided for and protected by my husband.  I feel NONE of those things.  There is no guarantee that I'll find those things if I leave, but I firmly believe that if I stay, I AM guaranteed to never find those things within this marriage."

I did not ask for my family's permission to leave.  I wasn't going to get it.  And THEN what?  Was I going to stay because they didn't give their permission?  No.  You know why?  Because I just...... COULDN'T.  I'd tried that for over 10 years of my 16 year marriage.  I'd determined whether it made me weak (or strong), I just could NOT keep on living that way.  The thought of leaving the marriage scared me.  But the thought of staying for another 10, 15, 20 year?  That made me panic and practically hyperventilate!  So it didn't matter who consented - including my then husband.  I wasn't happy, there was no changing in over 15 years, and I had no hope that real change could or would be made . DONE.

They all came around eventually.  I didn't know for sure that he was gay until a good 1.5 years after I announced my intention to divorce.  If I would have had that, it wouldn't have been nearly the uphill battle with my family.  But regardless, they stop preaching when you let them know there's no hope for them to change your mind.  They will respect resolve.  You just can't show that you're wishy-washy about it or they'll go for the kill.

Kel