Hi all, I'm new here. I did find this site in the early days post TGT (Oct '15) but didn't engage for whatever reason and then in the mayhem I kinda forgot about it until this past weekend. A lot has happened me since Oct 15 and my awakening to the reality of what our lives really were. Deep down I feel my STBX exposed his true self to our son, maybe it was accidental at first but then it was done enough to know what you're doing (full details in success stories). In hindsight with how he was behaving in the past year or two I feel he had one leg out the door and was hoping I'd push so he'd keep his secret intact and the marriage breakdown would be my fault (oh course it's my fault now anyway).

I'd decided it wasn't a amazing life but he was a good man and as they say the devil you know is better than the one you don't. It wasn't that we were fighting all the time, or even on and off, we'd just learned to coexist I guess but amicably I thought, we did share laughs etc, we watched tv, went for dinners out, the odd show/movie, vacations etc.

The more I reflected on our life post TGT the more I realised he'd retreated long ago, when he did get up and have breakfast he always put the tv on straight away, was distancing himself. He spent a lot of time in the gym (or Jim maybe ). Our son used to tease him about going to see his second family, he spent so long at the gym. But deep down I actually felt he couldn't be bothered getting involved with anyone, didn't realise he was only putting up a front. He'd come home and in the last few years he'd always cooked on Saturdays and Sundays and engaged with whoever was there.

In a nutshell we were over 28 years married, 32 since we'd started dating and I've discovered between child no 2 & 3 he went off and had sex with a random guy on a gay section of a beach, in 1991. He embarked on a life of visiting sex shops for blow jobs (never knew that was a service they provided!), gay saunas, cinemas, perhaps Craigslist, who knows, on to Grindr then when it came on market. He says he went years without engaging at times that he was in denial but decided about 12 years ago now that he wasn't going to fight it anymore. Porn was a huge thing also.

Obviously I'm disgusted with this behaviour but I'd come to terms with the relationship only being platonic at that stage so the sexual side of it doesn't really bother me now, it may have years ago. It's more the deceit and how he portrayed himself to everyone and was a hypocrite behind it all. He fooled EVERYONE, not one person suspected it ever. The shock on people's faces on finding out is amazing, even people who prided themselves on having a finely tuned gaydar, such was his capability of deceit, I guess he had years of practice. He was always very guarded though, you never really got to know him but from engaging with him he came across as a forthright, honourable, trustworthy man, He instilled in his kids to always do the right thing, stand over your actions, have a good work ethic. He turned out to be a hypocrite. He did provide well, I won't say we never had financial concerns but we never wanted for anything and our children have debt free college educations. This of course made him feel like he'd done a great job, he provided well for them, that was his main priority regarding the family!

I did struggle with his mother's attitude for a long time, probably still do on some level. I'd always looked on her fondly and never found her to be the stereotypical MIL but by God once he came out to her the shutters came down. I spoke with her a few times during the first 6 months but she never once took on an apologetic or sympathetic tone to me, it was always justifying, condoning and defending him, telling me things like it's far better for everyone that the children are adults now, much better than finding out as children. We can all move on now and it'll be ok for everyone. But she's one of life's justifiers, he did admit to me that as parents they managed to justify everything done as kids to make it easier to live with. And she told me she's honest about her children! I've taken to calling her Mafia Mama and the insular deluded justifier! (It helps me). I struggled that she didn't come see me face to face after he was outed, my family had all visited to see him and my mother listened to what he had to say with respect. I was told by my MIL that I hadn't gone to see her, she sees this as something she's going through! It was over a year before we did have a meet up but that was brought about because we had our daughter's wedding to attend and she didn't want her day to be our first meet up. As I said in my bio I was told my biggest issue is I think I'm perfect and I came away with more blame on me than anything else. I've discovered since that I was told lies too and was told by her that she hopes I never have to go through what's been brought to her door!! Do you see where I get the insular deluded justifier from now? Words fail me. Oh I was also told well you got your vacations (over the last 6 years or so I went away with my mother for a few days once a year and had another few short trips with a girl friend from time to time). Oh they've also put it out to his extended family that he's only now realising he's gay, he's struggled with it all his life, no mention of the deceit or the activities he's engaged in or that it was our son outed him! But she feels entitled to talk to people about me settling for no intimacy for so long, why did I put up with that! I'm almost typing in CAPS NOW just thinking about her

I know I'll never change how she feels but his whole family have decided without talking to me or my children that it's my bitterness has turned two of our children against their father. They have a strained relationship at present even though I tried to warn him 9 months ago that he was likely going to lose them if he didn't address their concerns and feelings but he's too caught up in playing the victim at present. And it's easier for them all to blame me. None of his family have contacted any of our children to see how they are with what he's done, they've shown no consideration for our son and what he was subjected to. One daughter and our son visited their grandmother once since TGT and she told our son he did his father a favour, didn't ask either how they were coping with it or how I was. It was all about her and their father, how he's struggled with this his whole life and how she didn't know it, imagine he was living with that & as his mother she was unaware of it!!!!!!! Insular deluded justifier!!!!! I know I have to put her behind me but it's so hard and frustrating knowing that they're believing his lies and vitriol.He's told our son he hopes some day we'll be able to be friends but I need to accept I had some responsibility for it, it's not all his fault! He really does see himself as the victim (as does Mafia Mama) in all this. He's been decent financially (the only decent thing about him). I decided it was time to sell the family home as I found somewhere more suitable for my needs now so it was actually beneficial to him that the family home sold. But I'm being snapped at now for having a bigger house than he has (he's in an apartment), basically I don't know how lucky I have it! I was left with the family dog (that I never wanted initially) but everyone else pleaded for. I'm not an animal hater or anything but she's extremely high maintenance (I'm sure some of it is down to the major change for her too) but it was agreed he'd take her two weekends in a month. This hasn't been happening and when I pushed it last weekend first he said he'd take her next weekend but then said that Mafia Mama (he didn't use that term of course!!) is coming to town for the weekend so he relented and took her last weekend instead. On leaving her back to me I suggested we do up a rota so I know when I'll have some free time to plan for myself, his reply was he'll let me know when he's available to take her! I informed him I'd be away from 16th - 21st and she'd need to go to him, what I got was "I'll let you know when I'm available to take her". Then I got lectured on how great I had it, I had the bigger house, with a yard, far easier for her, I wasn't going to get the best of both lives, he wasn't going to take her 50/50, I wasn't asking for that at all. It really is like banging my head against a brick wall. I get it's all his self loathing or his own struggles that has him where he can't be honest with me, doesn't make it any easier to bear though.From my experience I think the people who were outed as opposed to come out themselves are the more narcissistic, would people agree? It's probably because the people who come out voluntarily have more of a conscience about what they're doing and need to come clean. Thanks for reading if you got this far and sorry for the rant!

Last edited by Foolme (February 28, 2017 10:14 am)