jkpeace wrote:

Your profile says you wanted to stay married, monogamously.  It sounds like your wife did not want that.

No, she fell for someone else (who turned out to be a disaster.)

jkpeace wrote:

Considering your comments on stifling sexuality, how did you think staying together would work?

It took many years, but I eventually realized that the only genuinely satisfying connection I wanted with a man was a full-time relationship.  Since even that was theoretical, and it would require turning our lives upside down, I was content to appreciate what I had.  As such, my sexuality didn't affect my wife - or so I thought.  I now see how a lack of authentic desire plays out in a marriage.  It turns out that even monogamy in a MOM is much more complicated than it first appears.

jkpeace wrote:

Is that something you thought, years ago, but have decided, in hindsight, to be impossible (or almost impossible)?

I never thought stifling sexuality was possible in the long-run.  My belief was that emotional dedication and sexual monogamy would be enough to happily sustain my marriage.  That worked for me.  And quite frankly, I think it  would have worked (well enough) for many women.  The wild card was that my wife fell for someone else.  She says she was hungry for attention, and she was, but not many mothers of grade school children spend night after night hanging out in bars by themselves.   While it's true that I didn't appreciate her enough, it's also true that her need for attention went far beyond what most women require.

jkpeace wrote:

How did you and your ex end up being best friends?  I am hoping for the same and do think that's possible.

I think the primary reason we've been able to remain best friends is because I decided not to be bitter about what happened.  My two younger kids refuse to speak to her - and they constantly criticize me for defending her.  Another major factor was that she didn't have much to be bitter about when it came to me.  I literally gave her all the money we had, and, I took the kids full-time which enabled her to do what she wanted whenever she liked.  Finally, I never "embarrassed" her by "parading around town." 

I actually think she'd be genuinely happy for me to be in a relationship but in the early days of separating she was convinced I was going to humiliate her by behaving badly in public.  For her, that wasn't an unreasonable fear since her first bf in college had done exactly that, and after college, a good male friend of hers went from "normal" to "totally gay" within a year of coming out.

All that said, for genuine friendship to blossom I think time, some healthy distance, and forgiveness are key.  You can't be angry and still be friends.  That just doesn't work.  And it's extremely hard to go from being married for many years to suddenly being only best friends.  The relationship needs to transition, which is why time and a healthy distance are required.

jkpeace wrote:

Have you ever thought of a stronger name than "best friend".  That term seems insufficient, after 24 years of marriage.

We both seem to be satisfied with that description.  Quite frankly, I don't care what term she (or we) use.  I know how I feel.  I know how she feels.  No one else can understand it the way we can.

Please let me know if that answers your questions.

Dear Keeping Hope,

Your father's message is my new inspiration.  Thank you for sharing his words.

I don't know if any of you ever read the magazine, Guideposts.  My sister just forwarded an article to me, from there.  It was written by a young veteran who lost both legs and a hand, while serving.  He said that as he tried to work on his recovery, he noticed that "those making progress were the ones who accepted their injuries and threw themselves into recovery.  Patients who got angry or who were in denial advanced much more slowly."

I think he would understand your father's message, too.

Although we just can't help the anger, so many times, accepting our injury and throwing ourselves into recovery seems like a way to take back a bit of power and heal.  For those of us with children, that's a more powerful message than anger, too.

I'm sure I'll still have episodes of anger, but I will continue to try to keep hope and find peace and not become bitter.  

Thank you to your father.