Thanks for writing everyone. In response to the latest posts/questions:

​Nurse33 wrote: "Last week went on a family trip to Orlando. It was a great trip, until I wanted to stay out and have a few beers at the hotel lobby. The plan was we were all going to. Then I did and I was shamed, and verbally abused for staying out drinking a few hours. I didn't answer my husbands texts, so of course that set him off."

​Rule-setting and shaming - which are just emotional abuse and gaslighting - are two common gay-in-denial tactics I've read about here. Most often I've read about gay-in-denial husbands (GIDH) making strange rules in order to have sex such as the house has to be cleaned, she has to shower, it can't be on weeknights etc. before ​he'll agree to have sex. He's just shifting the blame for his lack of interest in sex on his straight wife. Gaslighting is nothing more than crazy-making which often means the GIDH says one thing and then completely denies it, often in the same sentence. Saying, "Let's have a few beers in the hotel lobby..." followed by him freaking out because you've followed a plan he agreed to may be a form of narcissistic gaslighting.  

Merricat wrote: "I find it odd that my fiancé has never had a relationship with a woman that lasted over a month. My husband's buddy was extremely territorial - refused to call before visiting... yet - when I wasn't at the house, I notice that the guy rarely came over. This buddy has had a string of girlfriends.... the quintessential Player. I've always suspected that this guy was overcompensating. When I told my fiancé I was leaving due to his buddy's continued invasion of my privacy.... my fiancé got on his knees - begged me to be patient - we would move. Move? Rather than insist his friend call - enforce boundaries - kick the guy out - we would move. I suspect that his buddy was threatening to "out" him...What do you think?

My question is: what are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds very stressful and confusing. I'm afraid I don't have enough information to comment Merricat. Can you provide more details? But I will suggest that if you're here asking questions, you suspect your fiancé is gay-in-denial. I've read a number of posts from straight spouses who believe his 'best friend' is actually the husband's gay lover. It seems quite common among the 50+ year old spouses posting here. I would urge you to keep sharing here on this thread or perhaps start your own thread. I would also recommend you delay getting married until you're 100% confident he will be a kind, caring, and loving husband. 

​I hope that helps in some small way my friends. Please feel free to write again if I haven't answered your questions.

I would like to get your opinion on my situation if you don't mind. My husband of 13 years had told me before we were married that he was molested by a male adult family member when he was a child and a few years into the marriage admitted to some experimenting in his late teens ( he said he just let the guy give him head when he was drunk and nothing more). In the last 6 years we had 2 children and somewhere about that time he changed. He used to be such a sweet and gentle soul but is now an angry and bitter man, and I would say I take the brunt of most of it no matter who angers him.  My husband is a otr truck driver and is rarely home, seems happier to work for companies that keep him out longer. We have a mutual male friend who he recently called and talked for hours about his past experiences and told him that the disgust and regret has been eating away at him and thats why he's so angry. He encouraged him to tell me which he obviously did but I feel like there were so many holes i am just feeling lost and waiting for the other shoe to drop. A little back story,  he has a friend, lets call dan to not confuse with the mutual friend who is openly bisexual that my husband has been friends with since they were children.  Dan has never liked me and made that clear but I never stood in the way of their friendship.  Since we have been married their friendship is on again off again because Dan gets drunk calls my husband  and whatever he says makes my husband mad enough he says he will never talk to him again but dan calls and their friends again.  So recently when my husband opened up i asked if dan was the one he messed around with and after a long pause said yes yet when I adked him if it was him when he told me originally he said it wasn't .  During that conversation he mentioned several times about what his family and friends think about homosexuals and if they knew they would have all made fun of him and he would have been alone. Since this all came out about 3 weeks ago he seems more relaxed and less angry. I have been talking to the mutual friend about this and he believes my husband is at least bisexual,  he also says he doesn't know more than what my husband told me but he's sure theres more. My husband denies having feelings for men but I can't shake this feeling that theres more to come. Also, I checked his phone  last weekend and everything was erased, history, emails, text messages. It was strangely unsettling. Sorry if this is all over the place but thats where my head is these days. Is there anyway to confront him without giving him an easy out?  Thanks!

Thank you for writing Trish and Rob. Trish I'm very sorry that you've found yourself here asking questions. But on the flip side, there are very kind and supportive people here who should be able to give you support. So in response to your post:

1. My husband of 13 years had told me before we were married that he was molested by a male adult family member when he was a child and a few years into the marriage admitted to some experimenting in his late teens (he said he just let the guy give him head when he was drunk and nothing more).

This is quite a common story among husbands struggling with same sex attraction. In my opinion, there are two possibilities: 1. This is a true story; or 2. He's lying. If your husband has a history of lies, evasions, and manipulations, he might have told you this story when confronted with "Are you gay?" or "I know you're hooking up with men." Many gay-in-denial husbands are narcissists and narcissists are black-belt manipulators, even when caught red-handed. If he told you the child abuse story only when he was caught or during a heated confrontation, it's likely bullsh*t. If however he told you when things were good between, before you were married, or when he was drinking and defenses were down, it might be true. What's my point? If he's lied to you for years, this is likely another lie. If however he's an honest person and told you this early on in the relationship, it might be true. Regarding the experimenting story from his teens, it has several questionable elements, namely: 1. just one time; 2. I was drunk; and 3. he did it to me rather than me doing it to him. It certainly sounds to me like he's struggling with his sexuality.

​2. In the last 6 years we had 2 children and somewhere about that time he changed. He used to be such a sweet and gentle soul but is now an angry and bitter man, and I would say I take the brunt of most of it no matter who angers him. 

​This is a red flag. The anger and bitterness sometimes come from worsening shame, often about cheating with other men. If you two stopped having sex around the same time, it may mark the moment when he went from virtual sex (gay porn or gay chats) to having real sex with other men (Craigslist or other hookups). Anger projected towards a spouse is never acceptable but it is common among gay-in-denial husbands because these emotions are used to deal with the shame of being married to a woman while cheating with men.

​3. My husband is a truck driver and is rarely home, seems happier to work for companies that keep him out longer. We have a mutual male friend who he recently called and talked for hours about his past experiences and told him that the disgust and regret has been eating away at him and that's why he's so angry. He encouraged him to tell me which he obviously did but I feel like there were so many holes i am just feeling lost and waiting for the other shoe to drop. A little back story,  he has a friend, lets call dan to not confuse with the mutual friend who is openly bisexual that my husband has been friends with since they were children. Dan has never liked me and made that clear but I never stood in the way of their friendship.  Since we have been married their friendship is on again off again because Dan gets drunk calls my husband and whatever he says makes my husband mad enough he says he will never talk to him again but dan calls and their friends again.  So recently when my husband opened up I asked if Dan was the one he messed around with and after a long pause said yes yet when I asked him if it was him when he told me originally he said it wasn't. 

These too are red flags Trish. I chose a job that kept me away from home. At the outset, it allowed me breathing room and gave me cover for not wanting to have sex with my wife. Why? Because I wasn't home. Later I used the time away to cheat with other men. Your husband also has a bisexual friend and another friend (Dan) he's fooled around with. These triangular relationships, straight spouse, questioning husband, and gay best friend, are more common than you think. I've read a number of posts by straight spouses who also wrote about best male friends who they suspected were long-term lovers. If I remember correctly, the best friend was often in contact with the wife, the best friend resented the wife (for obvious reasons), and the relationship between husband and the best friend was intense and conflict-ridden...like lovers.

​4. During that conversation he mentioned several times about what his family and friends think about homosexuals and if they knew they would have all made fun of him and he would have been alone. Since this all came out about 3 weeks ago he seems more relaxed and less angry. I have been talking to the mutual friend about this and he believes my husband is at least bisexual,  he also says he doesn't know more than what my husband told me but he's sure there's more.

Understood. The anti-gay family may explain why he never came out. His bisexual friend seems to think your husband is bisexual. I'd go with your gut on this one Trish. Nothing beats a woman's intuition in my opinion.

5. My husband denies having feelings for men but I can't shake this feeling that there's more to come. Also, I checked his phone  last weekend and everything was erased, history, emails, text messages. It was strangely unsettling. Sorry if this is all over the place but that's where my head is these days. Is there anyway to confront him without giving him an easy out? 

​Again I'm very sorry that you've found yourself here Trish. This must be incredibly stressful, all while raising two small children. If you read through the other posts here, when a straight spouse starts to question her husband's sexuality, she is often in shock. This is why she comes to this forum looking for answers. If you've started to play detective, it's because you have a very strong suspicion your husband might have same sex attraction. The fact that he has erased his entire online history is suspicious because why hide something if you have nothing to hide? With regards to confronting him, your husband is clearly struggling with is sexuality and has likely struggled for most of his life. So asking, "Are you gay?" won't likely result in an honest answer because he doesn't yet see himself as a gay or bisexual man.

​So what now? I'd recommend you focus 100% on yourself, your kids, and your well-being. You can spend weeks, months, or years trying to fix a broken husband when I'd urge you to take care of you right now. First, I'd start by setting boundaries with your husband. You should make it clear that the verbal and emotional abuse stop right now. No matter what he's going through, it's unacceptable for him to project his anger and bitterness on you and your family. Second, I'd suggest you contact the Straight Spouse Network (tel: 773-413-8213) to find contacts or in-person meetings in your area. Third, I'd suggest creating your own thread here so that you can get support from members who have made it through similar situations. And finally, I'd make an appointment with a counsellor or psychiatrist to share your story and work through your feelings. Once you've worked through the shock and are starting to feel better, say in about a month or two, you can then look at this situation from a fresh perspective and determine the next steps.

​I hope that helps in some way Trish and look forward to hearing back from you. Be well.    

Last edited by Séan (February 22, 2017 10:10 am)

Thank you for writing Iris. That took a lot of courage to post here so bravo my friend. I'm going to respond to your post but please keep in mind that I am not a mental health professional. So what I'm sharing are my personal opinions as a former gay-in-denial husband. So here goes:

1. Just found that my husband has been talking with men on Craigslist for years and on occasion over the past few years, has met with some men and received oral. He admits to having a significant porn addiction, which I also had NO idea about. He thinks if he receives help for his porn addiction then he can overcome the urges to act out with these men also. I told him that straight men do not seek sexual favors from other men.

I agree 100%. When you strip away his justifications, he: 1. Watches gay porn; 2. Chats with other men looking for sex on Craigslist; 3. Has hooked up with other men. What's missing from these three things? A woman so I couldn't agree with you more.

2. He is doing himself a disservice if he thinks he can bury these urges under a guise of porn addiction (he also swears he only watches straight or lesbian porn, never gay).

Here's my question: if he's only interested in women or lesbians, why then wasn't he hooking up with women on Craigslist? So he's probably lying.

3. He says that he starts by watching porn, then goes on Craigslist and talks to men about what they will do to each other, then he finishes by himself in the midst of these convos. There have been several times where he has met them for oral but he says he never reciprocates and its all about the thrill of doing something deviant, its not because he is gay.

Mmmm....no. If you go back a page you can read a similar yarn from Trish's gay husband. When confronted, the gay in denial husband often provides the following excuses: 1. I was molested as a child which is the reason I am gay, bisexual, have same sex attraction etc.; 2. I was drunk; 3. I'm just curious; 4. I didn't do anything gay. These things were done to me; and 5. It was only once.

4. Sounds like denial to me.....He starts by watching videos but then when he needs interaction with an actual human, he turns to men for that need....can anyone offer some insight?

It looks like denial to me as well. Iris you sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders so I'd trust your intuition on this one. Let's just go through his version of these events to give him the benefit of the doubt. Your husband is a self-diagnosed porn addict who only watches straight and lesbian porn. He is then so turned on by woman that he, a straight man, logs on Craigslist to contact men. He is so aroused that he exchanges email messages with other men about sexual acts so he can orgasm. Every once in a while, your straight husband meets one of these men but only allows this man to perform oral sex on him. He doesn't reciprocate because that would make him gay.

​There are a number of holes in his story which I'm happy to review here. TRIGGER ALERT: I'm going to get a bit graphic here so you might not want to read this. The obvious problems are:

​1. How many women has he hooked up with? If it's zero, then his story is bunk.

​2. How exactly is he chatting with people via Craigslist? To the best of my knowledge, Craigslist ("CL") doesn't have a chat feature so he can only contact people via email or CL message. Responses often take hours if not days. So he isn't 'chatting' with anyone in realtime via Craigslist. This is too long a time period. Moreover to hook up with another man, he'd need his own profile which means background, age, photos, location and dos/donts. It sounds more like he's using gay hookup apps like Grindr, Scruff, or Hornet. You might find these on his smartphone.

​3. How exactly do these hookups work? Unless your husband is young, muscled, rich, or incredibly well-endowed, most of the gay community wants nothing to do with him. That's just the reality. As a 40+ year old man, I know from experience how much time and effort it takes to arrange a hookup. Straight people may think our lives are continuous pride parades but it doesn't work like that. You exchange emails, then photos, then text messages, and the older the male, the more he normally has to do for others.  Young, model, bodybuilders get the kind of "sit back and relax" experience your husband has described, not men with beer guts and mortgages.

​I'm sorry if that's too graphic Iris but I wanted to dispel the myth that a man can just go on Craigslist and then 15 minutes later he's meeting up with another guy on some pride parade float with a disco ball. It takes a lot of time and effort for gay-in-denial husbands to arrange for these trysts. They don't just happen. And what does that kind of time commitment spell to me? G-A-Y. I hope that helps.  

Last edited by Séan (February 22, 2017 12:35 pm)

Q: "I was encouraged by your words that I have progressed since coming on the board.  What makes you think so?"

​A: It's bittersweet really. I'm always happy when straight spouses like you speak the truth, stand up for themselves, and realize they deserve much better than lies and abuse. If I may say so, you've gone from shock, to understanding your husband's narcissism, and now divorce proceedings...all while raising your kids. Few husbands could do as much. What's bittersweet is that accepting a marriage is beyond repair is a bit like: congratulations, you're divorcing!  

I hope you and your kids are well.