JenS:  YESSSSSS!!!! So glad you reached out to your friend.  If she is your friend, she can see you're struggling.  What you need to do now is lean when you need to (on us too), and ask your friend if you can call her when you are so bullied and exhausted that you need an extra push.  It might be a signal to her that things are harder than she thinks, and she will check in more often.  As for the reason, him being an a-hole really is not because he's gay, it's just in addition to him being gay.  My ex was both.  It was easy for my friends to cheer me on without knowing just because I could share how difficult he was making it for me to divorce (and they wondered why) but really in the end just encouraged me to keep fighting him.  Years later the entire truth came out and I got lots of calls about why I didn't take him to the cleaners.  It was so far in my rear view mirror by then it was easier.  All I had to tell them was that I did what I had to do to stay me, and they understood. 
Also, not sure who is responsible for collecting info of those of us well past this rollercoaster (calling lostdad or Sam??)...but I'd be happy to provide my cell # in a PM if anyone felt particularly hopeless and needed a lifeline. 

My ex texted me about my kid ...took her all of 30 seconds to have me shaking with trauma.. How dare I question anything she did or had to say..Took personnel offense to almost any word..it's like she was .paranoid.   Couldn't stay on topic.    I said nothing offensive..I'm the kindest ex husband someone could have.   If you knew me I'm kindest and  most docile person... sometimes I wish I was some jerk that doesn't feel anything..

For me  NO CONTACT is best...   I have the joy of having a  crazy gay ex wife now..she has something mentally wrong with her.

For those reading and mad at their spouses.. if its any comfort...  even after some of these gay spouses leave us..they are not happy..they may never be happy.   Maybe it's not all roses in gayland ..  


 

JenS,

Your ex has given you a gift - the gift of honesty so that you know exactly why he's doing what he's doing.  That should and can supercharge you to fight the fight.  He literally TOLD YOU that he's being manipulative because he wants to destroy you.  My attitude after that conversation would be "FUCKING BRING IT, ASSHOLE.  You can't break me - I won't LET you."  Then I'd use the kids as my reason to stay strong - to keep fighting when I feel like I can't walk another step.

My now husband told me one day why it always hurt so badly that my son would play on my heartstrings to manipulate me, and it's helped immensely.  "He's using your beautiful heart as a weapon against YOU."  Think about that.  They're using the best, most pure part of us to manipulate us.  He is literally hitting you in what he sees as your weak spot so that he can have what he wants.  Now, that's something anyone in a war does. However, it's really cruel to use the best part of you to do that to.  He's not poking something that inflames you - he's attacking the most beautiful part of you.  If you let that be used in that way, that place won't be as pure and beautiful anymore.

And I love what your friend said - that you knew it was going to be a fight - embrace the fight.  Here's another thing that my husband has said to me that's helped: "You have what it takes.  But it's going to take everything you've got."  Tell yourself that it doesn't matter how tired or broken you are - people have walked while their feet bled to go places that they were forced to go.  If they can do that just to survive - just to keep living for their children, then you can do THIS.  I know you can.  You've got this, babe.

Kel