Vicky and everyone who responded to me post.  THANK YOU!  I am reading all of your responses over and over but I am still not where all of you are yet.  I want all of this to just go away.

My husband was cornered when I found the email offering oral sex to him but I still don't understand that he doesn't want me.  I discovered in two separate gmail accounts where he had responded to craigslist ads over 300 times but I still want so badly to believe that he could love me.  I don't know what's wrong with me and why my head knows something and yet I love him so much.  

He has never stopped being affectionate with me.  Even before I knew what he was doing.  He came home every day on time, his only male friends are through couples we both are friends with and he very rarely (maybe twice a year) would have socialized without me with him.  

He have always held each others hand, he sits right next to me on the couch, our sex life didn't change in that he still wanted me, he tells me he loves me constantly, he writes me messages.  He has always waited on me from the time we got married.  Not because I wanted him too but he's just always been so thoughtful.  He'll bring me a cup of coffee every morning, he wakes me up every morning, he tells me how proud he is of me.  

How can he be tricking me?  I don't understand why.  Couldn't he just be confused and remorseful?  Does it have to be like this?

jl - As a formerly closeted gay spouse, I can share a few things that might be helpful...

No one ever talks about this, but our ability to form deep emotional and romantic connections is not inexorably tied to our sexuality.  Although needing to love and be loved is essential, who we love isn't pre-determined the way sexual orientation is.

For example: you, as a woman, love other women - and at least one of them, your daughter, you love quite passionately.  "But wait!  That's not romantic love," you say, and that's true.  However, that doesn't change the depth of feeling you have for her.  Romantic love is different only because sex is a part of it, and having sex with someone doesn't mean you love them.  The ideas SEEM linked, but that's taught to us.  And also, it's far easier to fall into romantic love with someone you are sexually attracted to.  So, for the 90% of the world that is straight, social conventions work perfectly.  For the rest of us, it's a mess.

Which brings me to your husband...based on what you've said, I believe he genuinely loves you.  I also believe he was born with biological wiring that makes him primarily sexually attracted to men.  The big question is ... now that you know that, what do you want to do?

You do have the option of keeping your relationship with him.  But please understand that regardless of what he says or promises he makes or whatever rationale he uses, he will continue to hunger for sex with men.  Therefore, staying together means either opening up your marriage with your consent, or, him having secret sex with men behind your back.  "What about him committing to monogamy with me, since he swears he loves me and I believe him?"  Such a promise, although likely sincere and well-intentioned, defies his biology.  Believe me, there is *NO* upside to being bi or gay or secretly having sex and losing your wife, family and job because of it.  Men only do this because they can't NOT do it.  To believe that acting in such an irrational, cruel and destructive way is a choice is just wrong.

There's more I could say, if you're interested, but for now I have to end this message.

Please know, whatever happens, you will prevail.  The straight spouses here are proof of that.

jlwilliams wrote:

My husband just admitted something. He kept telling me over and over that he only wanted it to please himself. He finally admitted that he enjoys other men's bodies. Help me.

You are in shock..    Take a deep breath and breath...  don't make any major decisions.  Take time to build a support system to help with this.    

My now ex never admitted as much..didnt have the decency but then she was actively cheating.   Perhaps there is some decency in your husband...some shred.. so you can get through this without horrible treatment.

 

Hi JlWillams,
​Cameron makes a good point, he might not be romantically in love with you but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you in some way.  There's no doubt that the genie is out of the bottle and that you're future is currently being rewritten.  I am of the thought that what he has done is not tolerable.  Lying and cheating and risky behaviour is not ok. I think you should take some time to look after yourself and get your head together.  My head was spinning when I found out you're not going to make any rational or good decisions while in this state.  You're in a discovery phase where you're digging for information.  You need to find out all you can and digest it all before you make any rash decisions. It's not going to make a difference if in a month or two you decide to separate or you do it now, you'll be in a better place to protect your assets and get your house in order.  If you do it now you risk making errors.  If you think you will separate I recommend becoming financial emancipated asap.  He doesn't sound like he makes good decisions and you're on the hook for half his debts whether you know about the credit cards or not.

Vicky

Jlwilliams,

Breath honey, deep breaths, this is the place and these are the people who understand what you are going thru. You are not alone, don't let him make you feel that way. Fear is normal, as is rage..tears....the pain, these are the steps to the realization of the betrayal you have suffered. 

I am sorry you are in this pain, but happy you found us.