OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- Todd
- Unregistered
Re: Didn't know
I think that a big reason this is important to me is because I was blamed for so much over the years. I wouldn't call it gas lighting, but I felt like the bad guy for so much of our 12 years together. I think now that some of that was the result of her own guilt. I think she was trying to point the finger away from herself.
So many issues between us are now illuminated by TGT. In the end it's just sad. She was my best friend. I wanted to grow old with her.
- Sue
- Member
Offline
Re: Didn't know
And one day, when you are ready, you will reach acceptance of the fact that this relationship is over. You will move on, meet a straight woman who can truly love and appreciate you and be a good stepmother to your beloved child. But it only happens when you're ready.
"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Didn't know
yes, I think it's important - there's two elements - why she did it, machinations of guilt or plain self interest. with my ex I have passed through the valley of his guilt and into the shadows of his deliberate selfishness.
and then there's what she did - when he expressed his dissatisfaction with me in bed was this true or false - in each instance in each way he did it I want to know - it helps in going forward. Knowing he wanted men I think it achieves the term gas lighting - when he said, for instance that I don't initiate enough - he is saying that to deflect blame from coming to him, he knows it's him. That's not I feel guilty for hiding my true feelings, that's I'm going to make sure she doesn't find me out - an aggressive form of defence.
- Laurence
- Unregistered
Re: Didn't know
Hi Todd,
The end of a hope that you would grow old together and of course a single family. These are things that make this painful for me too - still. But perspective is important. We are mourning something that maybe never existed but certainly doesn't now. Look forward to the future. Maybe there is an answer for you - but would you believe her if she told you ?
Strength
- Sue
- Member
Offline
Re: Didn't know
JK,
I question that you need to become a better person at all. This process is full of pain and devastation. I truly wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. Almost a year in, I find I feel more hope, but it's still up and down. I'll take up and down over down all the time any day!
Be kind to yourself. This is a hard row to hoe. But it does get better.
Sue
"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: Didn't know
JK,
Well written about your husband. About blame and fault;
I think , as our kids become teenagers, they want to be teenagers again. .. it's like they see the kids out having fun and they decide since they are not having fun it is our fault...they place all fault on us...which is crazy and untrue.
I did not know my ex-wife harbored TGT. I'm not going to beat myself up for being ignorant or naive. I asked college friends and they had no idea either. I gave true love. I was all-in. And I will not be ashamed of that. So many questions I could ask my raging narccistic gay ex ie. "What part of the words
to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death do us apart" didn't you understand?"
But she is at fault and the simplest question would expose her fault which will throw her into a rage. Then I get the "you didn't empty the dishwasher so I want a divorce" logic. I could attempt to debate with her crazy logic..." well I was giving you a back rub and foot rub back then so I wasn't thinking about the dishes" but, again, the fault goes back to her and the rage builds and builds..never mentioning the elephant in the room which is her gay cheating.
So she is moved out, away... I have not seen her since last week and I feel sooo much better.
I think at some point it gets so bad dealing with their abuse and blame that being homeless on the street
would better.. at least that was my case mentally.
So yeah...they all knew they were gay.. it doesn't help our current situation much..just makes them more horrible than we could ever imagine.
Last edited by Rob (July 20, 2016 10:04 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Keepinghope
- Member
Offline
Re: Didn't know
Mine continued to stay in the closet after having male "friends" that were decades younger. He admitted to keeping them secret, lying about here he was, having a burner phone, texting and calling hundreds of times, feeling younger and excited when he was with them, taking pictures and having condoms in his car. But no, he wasn't gay. He was just bored and looking for some way to feel young. Sex, of course not! Just special friendships.
Sigh. Of course he was, of course he knew. Probably always. But I didn't know, and wasn't allowed to know, the truth of my own marriage, my own life. I thought I was unattractive, frigid. I was 100% faithful for 30 years, although he was out having fun. Coming home and acting like a wonderful husband.
It's like a total mind game, I thought I had one thing and I had something completely different. He continues to stay in the closet and has his side of the family convinced that I am a suspicious nut case. Wonderful.
Well it's been hell, but I've picked up the pieces and rebuilt my life. Now how do I reconcile the fact that every memory, ever exchange, every minute of the past with him was built on his lies? I guess in the end I have to let that go and just accept that I was in the marriage with my whole heart even if he was not. And does that ever suck!