jl,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  How traumatic!  I too have a child with depression, and I know that this issue ALONE is enough to make a mother feel helpless and alone and tortured.  But to have all that on TOP of the rest of it is just a clusterf*ck.  With regards to your daughter, has she had these issues since before you and your husband started having issues last June or did this develop out of that?  I know the answers aren't always cut-and-dry.  It's not like they can do a blood test and come back with "it's biological and we can fix it" vs. "it's from stress and thing have got to change in her life or she won't get better."  I know this more than anyone you're ever likely to meet.  And I wish I didn't have that knowledge.  You have my heartfelt empathy, sister-friend.

My ex is gay.  I've since moved on, found love and remarried.  I'm in a position where I feel fully recovered from my situation (even if I do bear a few scars), and I remain here to give perspective to others.  Because hindsight is 20/20, as they say - and because the further away one gets from the bullsh*t they spew at us, the more perspective they can have.  Because of my own experience and that of the multitude of individuals on this board, I have very strong opinions about what our spouses are doing to us when they give us their excuses, and you'll find that I like to call bullsh*t out loudly and often.  So please don't let my style scare you.  We need lots of people to give sympathy in our time of need, and we need that one friend who slaps you, too.  I'm am she.  Lol.  So here goes.

He's LYING to you.  Let's dissect what he's said, shall we?  He says he chose men because if he'd have chosen a woman, he'd feel like he was cheating on you.  Ummm, did his marriage vows say, "Forsaking all women?"  No.  It said, "Forsaking all OTHERS".  And what's with him NEEDING the sexual gratification, anyway?  You were right.there for the taking, and it sounds like there wasn't a lack of sex between the two of you.  So what's he saying, that he needed more sex than you could give him, so he felt justified in getting it elsewhere?  Did he TELL you he had a need greater than you were providing?  I'm going to guess not.  Because that's what a man who needed more would do.  If he didn't do that, loudly and often, for a long time, then that excuse is bunk.

Now,.... let's look at the "it was just for sexual gratification" thing.  Vs. WHAT, exactly?  Vs. being people he wanted to run away with and get married to?  So it's OKAY as long as it's not love?  Is that what he's expecting you to believe?  And speaking of love, what about his love for YOU?  What about his respect for YOU?  What about his commitment TO.YOU?!?  Where was that in all of this?  He is literally thinking that you're stupid enough to buy the excuse that he didn't really WANT them, he doesn't really NEED them, but he did this anyway?  WTF?!?

Now let's look at HOW this played out.  First off, if he says 30 men, you can at least triple that figure.  AT.LEAST.  So he's sleeping with strangers obsessively, and he's bringing that filth home to YOU?  To give you a potential disease?  To spread garbage around surfaces that his children touch?  WTF is THAT?  That is seriously THE MOST SELFISH and UNCARING thing a man could ever do!  A man who loves and cherishes his wife and family PROTECTS them.  He's lay down his LIFE for them.  He's doing the opposite of that - he's fulfilling his desires at the potential COST of all of you.  Not just the relationships - but your very lives.  THAT is NOT love, sister.

Now,.... not only was he willing to lose his wife and kids over this physically, but he was willing to lose his JOB over this - the very thing that provides for you all.  A husband - above all else, is a provider and protector.  His desires and their fulfillment were SO important to him that he'd take HOURS every day tending to them, while he lied to you, your kids, his boss, and let his entire life slide into a ditch (literally, since he was found by waysides) for it, but he wants you to believe that he loves you, that it meant nothing to him, and he's to be trusted now?  What kind of betrayal would you need in order to prove that he DOESN'T love you, if this isn't enough?  Does the man literally need to swing an ax at your neck?!?  He's metaphorically done that by risking your life, risking providing for you all, lying, cheating, being dishonest, manipulating you, and likely gas-lighting you (go look up that term).

I know that what you really want is to have the life back that just a year ago, you thought you had.  We here all get that.  That's part of what hurts so badly here - grieving for that life you thought you'd have.  It's hard work, it's painful and it's long.  And there are no shortcuts.  The thing is, this man has already proven to you that he doesn't deserve your love.  And you, instead of making sure that you get you and your kids away from him, have decided instead that you want him to want you.  At some point, you will not be able to move forward until 1) You realize just how poorly he's already treated you, 2) That you should be rip-roaring mad about it, and 3) He's proven that he's not to be trusted.  Deciding AFTER he's trashed his relationship that NOW he's going to be better doesn't count, hon.  Because he would be still doing all of that if you hadn't found out.  And he's likely to continue doing it to some extent still if you let him stay in your life.  Because.he.can.  You won't know if he's being truthful or just hiding things well.  And what kind of marriage is that?  One where YOU do all the work of trusting, but he's done none of the work of deserving it?  One where you need to throw all reasonable thoughts out the window to make it work with him?  Is that really what you want?  I know you don't want THIS, either.  It's two bad choices.  But one is choosing to stay chained to that, and the other is choosing to get away from someone who says they care for you but proves otherwise.  FOR.YEARS.

You are worth more than this, hon.  You don't deserve this.  But don't let it knock you off your center so far that you think you're worth less, and therefore accept less.  And YES, you CAN tell others.  Kick him out, and scream it to the world.  That's what I would do if I were you.  He's thrown you into the garbage with his actions - you do NOT need to further protect him.  That's a lie designed to let him have what HE wants.  Which is what he's been doing all along.

All the best -

Kel

Kel - How do I help my daughter when I can't help myself?  I'm losing her.

Hon, what's he's done to you DESERVES judgement.  Who are you afraid they'll judge - you, or him?  If him, then I can't help you there.  You're a mess, he made you that way, but you're concerned about his image?  If judging you is what you're afraid of, then all I say is that you'll find out right quick who your supporters are and who aren't.  If you need to know anything right now, it's who to rely upon.

You NEED to tell your dad.  AND your daughter.  Neither of them understands why you can't be there for your daughter - because they don't understand what you're dealing with.  If YOU were your daughter, and you felt ignored by your mother, would you rather think that she's ignoring you because she just can't deal with you, or would you rather know that her life is a bit f*cked up right now too, so she doesn't feel like your actions toward her are a personal rejection?  Think about that.  And would you rather have your father think that you're a bad mother than think that you've been f'd over by someone?  If so, WHY?  You claim to have no foreknowledge or signs of knowing any of this until you found out.  So what is there to be ashamed of?  If this happened to one of your friends, would you think lowly of THEM, or their spouse?  My sister is in an awful divorce right now, and no one thinks "what was wrong with her for picking the wrong guy?"  We've thought for years that we didn't understand her choices - now we're just glad she's getting out before he killed her.  NO.ONE is putting any blame on her for sticking it out.  We're just glad she felt that she could leave with a clear conscious - that she gave it every last try, and now she can walk away without feeling guilty.

Don't be so hard on yourself.  YOU didn't do anything wrong here, hon.  You didn't deserve this.  He DID THIS TO YOU.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (February 10, 2017 11:19 am)

Hi jlwilliams

​I wish I could reach thru the computer and give you a hug, I'm so sorry for your situation.

​I haven't read everyone's advice so I hope I don't repeat.  I just felt compelled to reply because I understand your confusion, I'm just coming out from the other side of that confusion and it's been a year for me. 
​He's not straight, yes it's very easy to find men for sex.  But if he wanted women for sex I don't think it would take much more effort.  It's telling that he chose to have sex with men.  Would you have sex with a woman if it was offered to you on a plate?

​I think he believes what he is telling you, that is why he is so convincing.  That and you desperately want to believe him so you don't feel like a fool (I might be projecting my own feelings here).  You're not anyway, you've been manipulated by a spinmaster. 

​I don't know how to help you get clarity but I can tell you when you stop listening to him and start observing and trusting your gut you will have so much clarity.  For me clarity came crashing down on me in a very bad way, all at once it was like a shit storm of clarity.  Overwhelming really.  But that happened when I started gaining the confidence to tell myself the truth and stopped believing his 'truths'.

​Post what town you are in and maybe someone here can help you find a local SSN meeting, I did.  You might be shocked by the similarities in your story to others.  There were no signs for me, none that hinted at 'he's into men', any 'signs' were easily explainable as normal things.  Having sex behind your wife's back is absolutely cheating and selfish.  He's put your health at risk, STD's and STI's are often undetectable while they do irreparable damage you should be tested.  Again he chose men because he's not straight.  He says it's easy because it's how he is justifying his attraction to men, as easy sex.  It's not true stop believing him.

​You should think about your life after your husband.  You need the support of your family and can't let them come at you from another angle about other issues they need to understand something else is going on.  I don't know how to advise you on your family but I feel like you need support from someone, so find someone.  You're the victim, don't be embarrassed, I was and once I started talking to people about it, it was a weight off of my shoulders and it was my path to some clarity (although I am still on that road) I am still working on not being embarrassed or feeling foolish. 

Ramble away, this is the place to do it.  Trust me I've done my fair share here.  If you want to feel better about yourself go back and read my posts I was a frickin idiot at the beginning.  LOL.

​Good luck.

Vicky
 

Thanks Daryl.  I guess I just contradicted myself eh.  Proof I still have a long way to go.  I trusted him, I was never suspicious he would have an affair or worried what he was up to, and that was mutual.  He showed he was caring in a lot of ways, contradicted by a bit of control and manipulation that I didn't even notice happening.  That these 'annoying behaviours' were much worse than that.  I find that is more embarrassing than having been duped by him about his SSA.  It was quite a shock finding out about this SSA and to realize how bad things really were​.  I think the control and manipulation are tied to his sexual confusion and insecurities that go with it.

He's trying hard to be a better partner and I want to keep the family together for as long as possible.  I have no proof or suspicions of infidelity, just overwhelming evidence of his interest in men.  I've seen an improvement in his behaviour towards me but there's still a long way to go.  Now that things are more relaxed around here he seems to be happier than he has been in awhile.  The jury is still out on my happiness.

Vicky