Leah, I think Sean has the answer on your ex's behavior.  He's in the next phase of his narcissistic denial: he's discarded you because you won't play by his rules and he's now wining and dining his next victim.  Give it time and he'll be treating her exactly as he did you. 
  I'm sorry about losing your in-laws.  I expect they're trying as hard as they can not to let in the truth, because it's so painful, so they've chosen to sacrifice the messenger.  Doesn't make it any easier to know this, of course.  
  Maybe jk will loan you some of her anger?
 

Leah, 
Torturing yourself by immersing yourself in his s*!t is not going to help you, not one bit.  You are only going to hurt yourself clinging to the past and your need to tell the truth.  Whatever you say, if you are out of the circle, it will be twisted, misconstrued, or changed.  It's really not worth the fight.  You know what happened to you, you don't need other people's endorsement.  He knows too.  Let him live with it.  You can move on to better things. 
I know how hard this is, many of us do.  You don't just lose your spouse, you lose your family, the life you had. The fact that he has moved on and his family seemingly accepts that is something you can't change.  Pushing against a brick wall with a steel door is only going to exhaust and deplete you.  

Take care of yourself.  YOU are what is important.  Move forward, as hard as it is.  You deserve more than sitting and watching him build a new house of lies.  It is good you don't have him in your life anymore.  It hurts like hell, it's tiring, and it is incredibly sad.   But there is hope.  For a much better life, where all of your energy is spent on YOU.  Bravo for going to counseling.  Start building a list of coping behaviors.  Reach out to friends.  Try to stay out of your head grieving about what was, what has happened since, and what might happen in the future.  You have to, or it sinks you.  
Even the littlest steps to do something for yourself can be HUGE in recovering from this loss.  
What can you do for yourself today, just for YOU?  Remember you?  The important one.  
Hugs and know that it does get better. 

Leah..

That is awkward talking to your sis inlaw.  There is no way she could comprehend the abuse you lived. .not if you had a million therapy sessions with her.
Alas she cannot be the friend you need ..even if she wants to she cannot speak that badly about her brother.
  I too am trying to get the cruel words out of my head..the mean things.  The thing is my ex said so many of those things in the end to justify to herself that her affair was ok...so I see every put down of me, every swear, etc for what it is now ..a lie.  Every one..from the day we married decades ago.

Even reading your story from afar.."you could make a straight man gay"..is a lie..there is nothing a woman or my ex could do to make me gay..not if you put a gun to my head.

I urge you..if his lips were moving it was a lie.  Just because they say something does not make it true..screaming it in rage and beating us with it..does not make it true. 

No contact with him..none. We are more than victims and refuges. We are good authentic people who know right from wrong.  I feel priveleaged to know you and your story.  I say we move on with each other, with friends and family and good people that know and support us.   I feel blessed to be away from my gay narc ex..scared, confused, sad,...but still blessed..  let's see if we can all move on together.

Hi Leah,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It's not right, it's not fair, and you don't deserve this treatment - from your ex OR his family.  But blood, as they say, is thicker than water.  He is their family, and they will keep him as such.  They cannot keep him and be welcoming to him and his new gf if they are also in contact with you and sympathetic to your plight.  You would think there would be a way to do both, but it's just not the way people operate.  They know that if they reach out to you, all you will have to talk about at this point in your journey is what their son/brother/father did to you, and they can't handle that.  They want to love him, and they know knowing more will conflict them.  So they turn away from the cutting truth in order to have peace.  The fact that he's actively deluding them by bringing a woman around means that he's not above lying to them about you and your role in all of this.  So while their reaction seems harsh, it could just be that he's told them all untruths about you, and no truth about his role in this.  And they therefore align with him.

He lied to you and deceived you for 20 years.  There is literally NO reason to believe that anything he's telling you now is truth, either.  His new gf may not know ANYthing about him being bi, or having cheated on you.  He's singing her praises in the hopes that you will compare yourself to her and feel bad about yourself.  And it's working!  The fact that he feels the need to say anything about his new gf to you is just odd, if you think about it.  What would be the point of that except to make you feel bad?  Is he really that happy if he finds himself needing to actively hurt you when you're already divorced.  It implies that what you think is still important to him on some level.  This while having a terrific gf who's so kind and understanding?  I call bullshit.  That poor woman - she has NO.IDEA what she's in for. And even if she is knowledgeable of the truth, she's trusting him to behave when she really shouldn't - the past is the best predictor of the future, after all.  Poor, deluded her.  Horrible, deceiving him.  Nothing's changed - he's just got a new woman to torture is all.  Because the old one wouldn't let him do that to her anymore.  Decide that you're not going to start now.  DON'T ANSWER any of those texts.  The only thing you two have to discuss now is your children.  And that should be at a minimum considering they're both adults.

You need to go no contact.  I know you probably don't want to, because then you wouldn't even have the little strings that bind you left.  But the contact you have now isn't healthy or beneficial to you at ALL.  Think of yourself now and make decisions based on what you'd tell your best friend to do for their sake.  You don't even need to tell him you're going no contact.  Just stop contacting him for anything other than emergencies.  And by emergencies, I mean "Our son just got into a car accident and is at X Hospital's E.R."  I'm serious.  Stop answering his texts at ALL.  ANY engagement from you tells him that you're still hooked on him - that he's got TWO women in his back pocket.  Decide that NOTHING he says gets a reaction from you - not "my new woman is so much better than you", and certainly not "I miss you and think I might want you back".  NOTH-ING.  It is the easiest, fastest way to cutting the remnants of the emotions that bind the two of you.  And that's what's best for you.

As for memories, there is little you can do there except decide that you want to get RID of the marital bed and find something new for yourself - EVEN if only to get his skin cells off your bed and make you feel less weighed down.  Get all new sheets and pillows and bedding, too.  Wash that man right out of your hair.  I don't care if the old bed is the most blissful thing on the planet - it's full of memories that you don't need anymore.  Start making your home your own - pick out a few new paint colors, move the furniture around, but some new things.  Get fresh flowers for your kitchen or your bedside table every week.  Go look for a few classes that might interest you - from learning to write to learning to cook a souffle.  Think about the things you've always wanted to try and chase them down and try them.  Reach out to old friends you've lost touch with and plan a dinner out.  Trade the car in for one that only has your name on it.  Spend the evening in fuzzy p.j.'s, drinking hot cocoa or having a dinner completely of cheese, crackers, fruit and cheese. Adopt a pet.  Start.Chasing.Joy.  It's there.  But you cannot find it where you thought you could.  And that's good knowledge.  Now you can start looking for it elsewhere.  I can guarantee you'll find it!

You can do this!

Kel

Leah, what struck me is your comment that you are still in the marital home and marital bed. Since you are now divorced I assume that it is now YOUR home so it probably time to do some redecorating. Think about removing the marital bed, either to a guest room or donating or selling it. Decide what you want YOUR bedroom to look like. Paint is cheap so figure out what will makes that room restful for you.

My ex wanted the marital bed (I didn't) so once I bought a home I surfed Craigslist until found one that was just what I wanted. Then I bought a new mattress and box-spring that was my comfort level. Over time and on sale I have added new bedding. A big pile of pillows too.

I find that painful memories tend to happened when I am between sleeping and waking so having a good sleep is important. My husband of 30+ years left because he said he was gay but at one point was dating a woman. That was hurtful because he was going back from what he had told me and was leading our children to think he really wasn't gay. By that point though I had no regrets that he was gone: another mantra "Whatever he is he isn't for me." I don't know which of them ended it but it did not work out and he is now with a man.

I think it was Dorothy Parker who said "Time wounds all heels." Let it do its job and take care of yourself.