Rob,
   The things your therapist is telling you sounds like your therapist, like mine, focuses on cognitive behaviors (as opposed to the usual "talk therapy"--I've done the more usual "talk therapy" psychotherapy twice in my past, at around age 20 and 40, and now here I am again in my early 60s, this time with a slightly different focus.).  My therapist has also suggested "re-framing" negative thoughts, as well as "rebutting" them (as in debates, when you contest your opponent's ideas).  So, instead of saying, "I'm alone," or even "I'm alone, for now," I'd say (as a rebuttal), "Yes, I'm alone, for now, because for the time being I've chosen to be alone rather than to subject myself to a daily assault on my self-worth and my values."  This reframes "being alone" from a negative state (which even "for now" allows it to remain) to "being alone" as a positive state, a step in a process.  A small difference, maybe, but it seems to me, at least, a crucial one.
     I must admit I think I will find this cognitive therapy both useful  and limited.  The strategies don't seem complicated or even many, and many of them, like the idea of the burning bowl--or something like it--are already out and circulating in the culture; but I'm going to take from it what it can give, and part of what it gave me is validation by and the perspective of someone who is uninvolved and a trained professional.  I think what will make the difference is how nimble and capable my therapist is intellectually, how able she is to read me, and my initial impression was that she is a good match for me.
  I was so anxious before I went that I would encounter one of these therapists who has swallowed the trans kool-aid and who would see it as her job to "advance trans rights" and tell me to "get with the program or get out of the way," and try to educate me on why my husband's needs "deserved" to take precedence over mine, who adheres to the idea of the trans-suffering Olympics (that transwomen's oppression is so much more important and so much greater than the oppression actual women face).  I felt immense relief that the therapist focused on me rather than subordinating my experience and my needs to a larger social goal.  
   I probably also need to see a regular psychotherapist to delve into those parts of my psyche that I've clearly not fully resolved, the ones that made me so eager to embrace my old role as "helper" that I would contemplate a lifetime with my husband while "re-framing" (snort!) my sexuality to be his "lesbian" lover.  I know that somewhere inside I don't believe I'm lovable on my own, and I am going to have to deal with that insecurity if I'm gong to make the best life for myself that I can going forward alone.  And if there's something good to come out of this surreal and unwelcome situation, a chance at making that life I would like for myself is it.  The thought of going through all the old sh-t again with a new therapist is holding me back (for now....haha, Rob), but perhaps working with the cognitive behaviorist will pave the way for me. 
  I do think it's a useful thing to think about how our thoughts break "cognitive paths," and we need to let them grow over and blaze new trails for our thoughts to wander.  My therapist suggested visualizing the new path in terms of an actual place one would like to be--and I immediately thought of an ocean-side cliff walk I took many times last summer where I inevitably felt at ease and optimistic about my future.  So I hope these suggestions can help others, too, and we can all spend some time on our own preferred paths while "re-framing" our negative thought patterns.
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 9, 2017 8:12 am)