I also found out after the fact that mine was spinning some wild tales to my oldest prior about me, where he of course was awesome and I was the one with the issue.  I was also married 30+ years and vowed that day no more lies, end of story. Sounds like they can handle it.

There is another way.  First off, you are a grown-ass adult.  If you to end your marriage because you weren't happy, then you have every right to do so.  The relationship doesn't need a deadly bullet (a.k.a. cheating) in order for you to justify leaving it.  There are millions of marriages out there with no gay factor or heavy cheating involved, and where one or both individuals decide that they're unhappy with their marriage in a way that can't be fixed.  No one is obligated to suffer every day just because it might upset their grown children if they and their spouse are no longer in the same home to visit.

When I left my marriage, I was just sick and tired of no intimacy of any kind (physical or emotional).  I realized that try as I might, I just couldn't go along that way any longer.  I needed more.  And he couldn't or wouldn't give that to me - for whatever reason.  When we told the kids that we were divorcing, they were 7, 9 and 13.  They could sense the tension in the air even thought there weren't very many fights or anything like that.  Just a general coldness, no more I love you's between us, and no physical affection.  We did the whole "Mommy and Daddy just don't get along anymore."  They got it.  It was about 6 months later that I insisted that dh tell the kids that he's gay, or I would.  And that was because he was literally living with his bf, whom the kids visited with every other weekend.  And he just kept telling the kids that it was his friend.  At some point, continuing with that was just lying to the kids all the time.  The kids weren't happy at the reveal that Dad was gay, but they very quickly got over it.  It is what it is.

My daughter and I in particular discuss quite a bit now (she's 13) why and how my marriage ended.  I never reveal anything sex related.  That's uncomfortable for children of any age.  I do say things like, "He just wasn't into me like a man should be with his wife."  or "I never felt beautiful around him - he never told me that, his actions didn't speak that he felt like that, and frankly, he didn't act like I got his motor running."  That's all speak for "we had little to no sex, and it wasn't exciting."  I don't think I'll ever discuss the actual sex portion with the kids - they wouldn't want to hear it, and they don't really need to.  It's enough to know that I felt unloved, rejected and invisible to their father.  They don't want to force their mother to feel that way every day just so they don't need to go through their portion of emotions.  They understand (especially as adults) what that must feel like.  They can relate.

It'd be easy enough for you to tell the kids the truth in a veiled way.  "Dad just wasn't that into me anymore.  I think he found other people attractive, but not me.  And I just couldn't go on that way any longer.  He either couldn't or wouldn't fix it.  I had to choose to get away from a toxic-to-my-soul situation in the end, and I'm not sorry I did."

Kel

KellyClark, this is a tough decision.  If you feel hiding the truth from your kids is affecting your relationship with them, then certainly do tell them the truth, or at least open the conversation with them by letting them know they can ask you anything or talk to you about anything if they needed clarity on why you are divorcing.  Sometimes just opening the door to let them know they can ask is enough.  Your kids are adults-they are formed and know what they know at this point.    Whether it is "his" or "your" secret to tell--I agree with Kel.  It affects your life and you, so it is part of you.  You are not responsible for covering for him anymore.  On the other hand, if you are being blamed for leaving or breaking up the marriage, it's tough not to want to defend yourself (this happened to me, and I just walked away, knowing that the truth would eventually rear its head and as long as I stayed true to myself it would be ok).  

So as Lostdad says, Would it have a positive or negative impact on your relationship with your kids?  They may already know as you mentioned that he has a cold attitude and an alcohol problem, and that may be enough for them to know why you are leaving--they might not want or need more details.  

The toughest part is wanting to scream from the rooftops when you are free, but wondering if it will harm someone else. 

Had a blow up with husband tonight. I've been trying to avoid him as much as possible, staying at my mom's, but sometimes we cross paths.

Among the many topics we fought about was about telling the kids. He continues to deny that he is gay despite all the evidence and having admitted it in a previous marital crisis. He said, "Do not push me on this!" So I have decided to wait. I'll take the blame if I must.

My 27 year old daughter and I are going away for a week soon. I thought I might tell her then, but it may be best to just let it go and take care of myself. I have plenty of work to do to get this divorce moving forward.

I can't thank you enough for your support and for your replies. I can't believe how comforting it is to know I am not alone, although I wish none of us had suffered such a fate.

Last edited by KellyClark (February 9, 2017 11:10 pm)

JkPeace,

I thought I was finished with the head spinning phase, but despite having eveidence, when he starts yelling "I'm not gay!" with such vehemence, I allow that little bit of doubt to creep back in. It amazes me, really. Like, I see black, he says white, and I start to wonder if my eyesight is going. But no, I do not have any doubts that he is gay. Only he seems to, although I suspect it's not doubt as much as it's denial.

The first time I learned of his sexuality "confusion" was four years into our marriage, 26 years ago (eight months pregnant with our first child, so I've had a long time to come to terms with this. That first time was like being hit by a Mack truck; the subsequent events were more like being run over by a golf cart - yep, he's still gay. This last time, it finally was too much. I filed for divorce months ago and endured the bitter anger, the lashing out, the threats, the dire predictions (you'll ruin us!) and for the most part we are beyond that. But every once in awhile, like when he has to give me money, or I remind him not to access pornography on our business computer, he blows up and I get sucked down the sewer pipes again.

This board and all of you have been a godsend. Your experiences with your children, telling others, dealing with the ex, are so helpful, but most of all, the reminder that I am important and it's time to focus on my healing and my future.