I got to the point where I started to feel like an ember in a fire.  Like if I didn't try hard - and soon - to get the fire back, it was going to extinguish and I'd have no flame to build the fire from again.  I no longer felt attractive, interesting, sexy or compelling in any way.  WHY would I leave when I felt that I wasn't good enough to find better someday?  I was tired, lonely, and had no self-confidence left.  And then I got angry.  I REFUSED to give up that little scrap I had left of myself.  I clung to it like it was a precious bit of a cherished baby blanket.  I decided to stop looking like I felt, and instead, got a great haircut, started spending more time on my appearance, and felt better about myself in general.  HE didn't notice, but Iiiiii felt it.  And then I began smiling at men or holding their gaze just a little too long, and..... it worked!  I didn't have anyone flirting with me because I'd given off the "I'm not open to advanced" vibe.  When I gave off the opposite vibe, it turns out that I wasn't invisible after all!  And so I started believing in myself again.

From there, it took on a life of its own.  And I grew the confidence to leave.  I wasn't assured of finding what I was looking for if I left.  But I WAS assured of never finding it if I stayed.  So I held my nose and jumped.  Into a life that was SO much better than what I thought it could ever become.  I still have issues - with my kids, with money, with my weight, health, heck - with the freaking weather.  But I DON'T have love issues any longer.  I have all the love I wanted and more.  I have someone whom I cannot believe chose me.  He's on my side more than I am on my own side.  And nothing I give to him is unseen, or wasted.  It comes back to me in droves.  All because one day, I decided to hell with letting my little ember burn out.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (February 2, 2017 4:46 pm)

JenS, if he says the issues are yours and you are not addressing them in the marriage counseling then he should raise no objections if you choose to get a counselor of your own so the counseling can focus on you. Of course this is not what he will do but it is what you would be better off doing if you want to get off this merry-go-round.

We went to marriage counseling for years with various counselors. It placated me because "we" were doing something to improve our marriage. Of course at home nothing usually changed but I could vent at sessions and he could be his usual passive self. Finally I gave up and we got a bigger house with separate bedrooms so we could avoid each other better.
 
I did not go to a counselor after he left. I've used some of what I did learn then to see why this marriage could never have worked and to set criteria for what I want and require in future relationships. My parents' marriage and their parenting set me up to fall blindly into this but now I know what I didn't know then. Not.My.Fault.

I have done plenty of introspection but at some point you have to just get up and start walking - literally. Being outside in nature can do more than self-help books. Also I have worked on rekindling my spirituality. As I thought  to myself as a child "Jesus loves me even if you don't."

Someone else asked for our favorite sayings. I have two more: "You can add yeast to cement but it won't make it rise" and (I hope this will not offend anyone) "Jesus - a man you can trust".

Sorry for rambling on. I hope something in here helps someone.

JenS,

Your kids can be a strong motivator.  My ex can say anything she wants about our marriage and me..I can't stop her..  But rule #1 of a marriage is you don't hurt the kids (in that hotel room).    My ex cheating and ruining the finances was 1000% about her...she was not thinking of the kids..  (my kids will never know how much she screwed them financially).  She was not loyal to me or the kids.   


Our kids need someone that puts them first and does not betray them..  Our spouses no matter what they say are not it.  Our kids do not need a parent betraying and hurting their mom/dad ...there is no reality I know  where that is putting the kids first ...our spouses saying they care and then doing what they do/did is the ultimate gaslight...the ultimate narcissist lie.   

Our kids do not need a parent driving the other into financial ruin, emotional despair and into the grave..   This we know in our bones.   We know in our bones that all the other marriage problems cannot justify their immoral behavior.   We know if we made/make a mistake we own it..  But TGT seems to be something that our spouses just can't own...they have to get rid of it...they have to place it on us. I don't know why...I guess because it is so horrible.    It's total insanity.   How is placing TGT on you/us  even logical?   Did someone put a gun to their head and say be gay and cheat on your spouse ?

For those needing strength or motivation with a narcissistic gay spouse..  I know of no better motivation than a spouse trying to take your kids away from you in their lies and wrath.  As if breaking their marriage vows and becoming/being gay is not enough..let's try to hurt him as much as we can...the late nights you spent taking care of the kids...they count for nothing. Watching a spouse sit there and say that never happened when your were the best husband and dad you could ever be.    It is the ultimate evil..  it is really the nail in the coffin more than TGT..  

Do not participate in his drama/insanity (that you could in anyway make your spouse gay or make them cheat).   Observe and don't absorb...you've already seen how wrong and selfish he is.   Find the best lawyer you can and build/salvage a better/normal life for you and your kids.


Warm authentic hugs.

Last edited by Rob (February 6, 2017 11:04 am)

Jen, 

In my state we had to attend co-parenting classes during the divorce process.  The videos and the FOC (Friend of the Court - basically the child protective services representative) were very clear that the kids are never to be used as pawns between two divorcing parents.  Any evidence of alienation of affection would be used against the guilty parent if the custody agreements needed to be decided upon by the judge.   I can't speak for the other 49 states of course.. but I'm willing to bet there are some pretty common themes.  

My recommendation is that you start to document these issues.  
- Keep a parenting journal where you log time spent, interactions, school and outside events, and notable drama that happens in the household.  If he tries to turn the kids against you or uses them as leverage, document that.  
-check with the laws in your state regarding audio recording.. if it is legal to conceal an audio recorder in a conversation that you are part of (it is in my state), then that would be incredibly helpful at a later date. 
-Consider being honest with your kids about some factual issues.  Don't paint there father poorly, but there is nothing wrong with defending yourself with facts.  Your kids will respect you for it later.  To be clear, i'm not saying to leverage them offensively.. what I'm saying is that if your husband tries to lie to them about things to make you look bad, don't roll over and take it.  Use facts and honesty to set the record straight. 

I gave my wife 5 months to tell our sons the truth.  They kept asking why we were getting divorced because I made sure to never have any drama in front of them.  I told her I would never lie to them, but gave her a million chances to open up and be honest with them about the situation.  She wouldn't do it.. so I did it for her.  I was very careful about the words I chose so that I didn't make her out to be a bad person. But I did tell them that she fell in love with her married friend and cheated on me and divorced me to be with the other woman.  A fact is a fact..   She hates me for it.. she won't even talk to me.  But I don't care because I value my relationship with my sons a million times more than I care about a liar and cheater.