My husband and I have been together since I was 17 (now 52) and now we are about to separate. I am scared and need to know that some day I will be ok.

Early in our relationship he told me about his attraction to men but he never really acted on it. I am the first he told and besides a group therapy he did 20 something years ago, he has not told others until very recently (and only a select few). It has been our secret for so long. Our youngest is now in college and for the last 3 years he has been struggling with staying in our marriage or living a homosexual life.
He told me 2 years ago and we have done couples counseling first with a regular counselor and then when he realized he really did want to experiment another therapist who specialized in poly and open relationships (from last April until August). I agree to let him experiment going out to gay clubs and restaurants. He has done some making out but not much more at this point. We realized that I might have been able to tolerate an open relationship (him just hooking up-but safely of course), but I cannot share him with another love, which is what he really thinks he wants. 

Besides TGT we are an incredible couple, love the same things, get along great, huge support for each other. We talk about everything- obviously. People are often telling us (even therapists) how incredibly compatible we are. He is actually the one who told me about this network. 

So why have I stayed in this relationship for so long, knowing from the start that he had attractions to men? I kept thinking of him as my "practice boyfriend"  all through college and after we just really grew on each other and it kept going he also kept hoping his feelings for men would change and he did love me a lot. Also, sexuality is such a non issue for me, I have no idea if I would end up with a woman or a man in my next relationship, it is the person that is important to me. He was once sexually abused by a gay neighbor when he was young. He does not remember all the details, but was somewhere between age 11-14. He remembers being attracted to girls when he was young but at some point switched to men as a young teen (coincidental after the abuse?, I thought not). So we kept going and he kept hoping that tgt would get less important to him. But, it never went away and now he feels he needs to "be whole" and "not 2 Pauls". 

So here we are, we are going to separate. I assume he will move out in a few more weeks. Here are the hard things I am thinking about. 

We will need to tell our boys soon. 

I am so scared. Not only am I going to lose my marriage, but also my best friend. I know others might say I don't have to do that. But for now, the only angry or spiteful thing I feel towards him is that if he makes the decision to leave me then he does not deserve to have my support as a friend. He doesn't get it both ways. I will have to figure out how to get on by myself. 
Until recently we have not shared the painful part of our lives with anyone else (and only a few right now). 
How to deal with our friends? We live in our college town and almost all our friends are mutual. We love the same social things. I feel like he is going to have his new gay life and I should be able to get first dibs on doing social things with our friends. For now he agrees. O.K. another slightly spiteful thought is that one of our biggest joys is music, especially jam bands and festivals. I am not positive, but fairly sure that I will be able to find a partner who will enjoy these things with me easier than him finding a gay man who likes this type of music(at least none of the ones he knows now). 

I have just started seeing the poly specializing therapist on my own (I really liked her style and she knows us). I need to work out my other fears.
I am no longer going to be part of the married peoples club- to me this means there will not be someone out there who will have my back no matter what (especially illness and old age), and that is scary as all get out. 
How will people react? We have not had the perfect marriage that others thought. But it has been very good in all but that one aspect. 
Luckily I think financially we will be ok and we have always agreed on finances and will continue to work together on that. He has completely agreed to let me have the house. I would go completely bonkers if I didn't have the stability of my home. 

He wanted to make this a "trial separation" I told him if he is going to do it we need to just do it. BUT, I still have this nagging hope that once he lives this life, he will see that the gender thing is just not as important as he hoped and maybe he will realize he is throwing away a wonderful thing. I will not rely on that and will move on and maybe date, but it is hard to imagine something better than what we had. But maybe I will find out that I can have what we had plus knowledge that someone also desires me sexually-hmmm. 

Reading further, I see that others have much worse stories than I have, hopefully someday I can be a resource or comfort to them. But I am still hurting real bad. I have had horrible days, but today is a little better, so in rereading this I don't sound as desperate as I would have yesterday morning. I know I will have real bad days again, so I do still need words of encouragement and hope. 

Lisa

 

Last edited by LisaM (February 5, 2017 3:57 pm)