Dear Hoodwinked-

Congratulations on your awakening and starting transition from victim to butterfly. Welcome to our forum.  

My heart goes out to you. I suffered a female GID like yours for almost 4 decades. When my son was out and away, I jumped off the Merry Go Round. 

Str8s here know well that lying cheaters are a special type of parasitic devil’s spawn!  My GIDXW’s most poignant closing line while gayly packing up to end 3+ decades of marriage was telling me she considered admitting her gay cheating and assuring me she would stop it and be faithful from then on. Then, after she'd patched things she would reassemble her girl posse on the down low. Her sister told her this would be unfair to me. (I miss my sister in law.) 

Eight years out now, I’m a happy, healthy, semi-retired singleton with a loving son and daughter-in-law. 
But I had waited until leaving was a life-and-death matter for me. Having not extricated myself from that intolerable situation, my body got sick to do it for me. Three weeks before divorce I excised a cancerous prostate, another thing set on killing me, ending life dreams of a full on hetero relationship. Since, mouth washes, fillings, root canals, root scrapings, implants, etc are yet cleaning out bacterial community property she brought home.

Your wonderful moniker indicates you’ve accepted who he is much earlier in life than I did. That difficult step taken, you’re fully equipped to act in your own self interest, exemplifying to your kids that YOUR LIFE is yours to live, not his to use. 

You’ve invested 19 years of marriage to this cheater, so “WANT to believe him!” Hoping when you open your eyes again, all will be different is common in betrayed, beguiled Str8s.  Your longing is for the LIE he projected not the REAL HIM.  

DON’T BE CAKE.  SSA folk know who they are and what they want - cake. Words are just something they use to keep useful Str8 spouses (beards). http://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/  

Illogical longing for him to be what you want, rather than what he’s proven not to be may be trauma bonding.  When recovered, you’ll appreciate in our most intimate relationships we need love not dependency.  I know this well.  I stayed frozen, unable to act in my own self interest for decades – the while knowing I was wasting my life for a GIDer with no more regard about consuming me than I had for a carrot on a salad tray. I’m well beyond it now, but after we split, I still missed her! 

Advice: 1) Assemble your professional lawyer, therapist, doctor team, 2) Get him out and away so you have space to grow and 3) keep your sympathy and finances for yourself. 

You have a brilliant new life ahead just beyond your 1) understanding, 2) acceptance, and 3) hard work. 

Pray, exercise, rejoice, get the best lawyer, divorce ASAP, build a wiser life.

Best wishes for a fabulous future. 

- John

Thank you so much for responding.  I feel like I'm treading water in a whirlpool.  Even though my parents and his mother are aware of the situation, it's such a relief being able to talk to anyone who actually understands what I'm going through.

I just wanted to post and let you know you are not alone. Our stories are very similar. I am married 21 years and caught my husband under similar circumstances (CL postings). I teeter between being furious with him for cheating on me, ruining our life, destroying our kids lives, our extended family lives, our friends and just feeling sorry for him. I'm not sure where to turn or what to do, but it helps to know I am not alone 

I am living a very similar situation  right now -  I know;  but he does not yet know that I know - so I am living a lie just like he is  - until it is the right time to confront him, gathering 'proof' that I will need to substantiate my accusations
I confronted him when I found out 8/9 years ago - he made a lot of promises to change - At the time I  was totally heartbroken - I would have staked my life on the fact he would be faithful to me and our marriage - During the years after this  I basically lost my mind and took years to recover and find 'me' again -  back then I wasn't in the right place to move on and end the marriage - I had 2 young children and financial/ emotional dependence - I truly wanted to believe he would change- I forgave and worked very hard on letting go of resentment - I wanted to believe and trust and I really did think he had stopped and changed - and now I see exactly  the same 'symptoms' all over again and I am investigating all over again - he is being more careful this time around, now its mostly mobile phone rather than computer , so I too have had to become more skilled at monitoring  - I need evidence as proof - I hate to snoop but have to as he is very good at covering up, at deleting, at destroying every scrap evidence and fabricating excuses and reasons for unexplained absences and missed phone calls -  I believe I have the right to know exactly what is going on in my marriage - I have learnt how well he can lie, how convincingly he can explain things away - but looking back with my full mental faculties and without the emotional dependence that I had allowed myself to develop,  I also now know that his promises  of change were empty , were said to placate me at the time , I doubt he even remembers that he made them.
Now I am also angry - I am incensed at how brazen he is to go back to what he promised he would leave behind - not only has he violated the trust in our marriage , he has violated my forgiveness - I forgave the unforgivable . Protestations of love are indeed hollow when treachery is a work-in-progress .

Last edited by sallyfindsout (July 29, 2016 9:23 am)

Hoodwinked,

Your story could be mine as well.  The lies, the pictures of his erect penis, pics of him jerking off in the shower, gay websites, shaving shaving shaving, oh and good news...he travels for a living! 

You're in year 2 1/2.  It look me 4 or 5 to man up and get the hell out.  Good for you for leaving!  I tried to forgive and forget and I also believed all of his dumb excuses that it was just a curiosity and could be stopped at any time.  I say four OR five years because it has all become a blur and I refuse to try to count back time anymore and try to remember exactly how it all happened and how long it took.  In reality, I found out about 8 years before that - I just didn't know it because he lied so well that I had no other thoughts about it until the day his gay porn sites accidentally popped up in my face on our computer 8 years later. 

I know you think you've been best friends but would you do this to your best friend?  I don't think you would.  Stay strong.  Don't go back.  You deserve better than this.

As for the stains...I have to say I think it's common for a lot of guys to have those stains HOWEVER since you say he never did before and now suddenly in the last year he has - that's a red flag. 

So sorry you find yourself here.  Come here often and we will offer you our best support