Hi JK,

I'm really not sure how to counsel you on this.  I guess I need to understand more what the point of the counseling is.  Is it to deal with their father being gay?  Is it to learn how to adjust to life without their family all in one home?  That will tell me a bit more about what direction you might need to go in.

The only thing I can use to relate to you is that several years ago now, I felt like my fractured family needed to get counseling to deal with my mentally unbalanced son (who now no longer lives at home).  he was terrible to everyone, but he was still a minor and we had to figure out a way to deal with it until he was 18.  So we went to counseling (my husband, the other two kids and I) without him.  And it helped.  He came to ONE session, but it was just him and I - a way to see if he would attend counseling on his own.  He wouldn't.  But he did open the counselor's eyes to just how extreme of a situation we were describing.  The counseling helped us to start to less fractured, and to have each others' backs more.  We had all felt alone before going to counseling.  Just a few sessions showed some progress.

There is no reason to not be able to go with just you and the kids.  It'll give them a safe place to describe to you how they're feeling, and come up with solutions to those issues.  And it's a great way to give kids the knowledge that counseling can be useful and not so scary.  In case they need to use it themselves when they grow up.

Best of luck!

Kel

Jk, I think it is a good idea.  It is so important that our kids have a place where they can talk about this situation with someone.  To be able to talk about feelings and be honest with ourselves and others about difficult issues is such a great skill that I think counselling might help with.  It is that inability in our spouses that landed us here, so I see it as a vital skill.

I asked my youngest if he wanted counselling, but he said he would think about it.  I am worried as I do see he isn't really talking with anyone about this and he was the one most involved with us both when we were going thru the divorce.  I feel having a safe place to really explore it would be helpful, but it might be difficult to actually to do in reality.  So much depends on the counselor and the child. 

Good luck x

Hi JK,
We are doing some counseling now.  We were able to coordinate some services through my son's mental health team.  (I have both a son and a daughter dealing with depression and suicidal ideation)  Daughter is in the hospital now.  It's intense, but the counselors really help.  This team worked with me to develop a plan for services during this time of transition while their dad is moving out.  We started 3 weeks ago, after my son was discharged from a hospital, and the plan will change as time goes on for the next six months.  Right now, we have two counselors, one for my son, and one for me.  After some time, the one for me will check in with the other kids as needed.  (I have 5 kids) and see how they are doing.  We also have a plan to help kind of restructure how we all work together.  This includes everything from chores to working together to communication. 

Just another perspective  Our needs are certainly acute right now.  Maybe someone else wouldn't need this kind of support.  But it was amazing what help was out there once I got someone to listen. 



 

jkpeace, when I counseled families and kids who went through a loss, we suggested making a calendar and letting everyone in the house have a day of the week that they got to plan something fun that everyone did together...could be anything from wearing a crazy hat to the grocery store to see who was looking at you, going to a movie, having a pajama weekend where no one did anything but lazed around, ate a new kind of food that none of you had tried before, etc.  It was incredibly empowering for each individual to know they could try something and not be alone (because, the only rule was that everyone had to do it as long as no one was injured or harmed).  It also taught parents and kids alike that change can be scary, but also really fun sometimes, especially when you have people to lean on.  

In addition, like Tamiam, everyone had jobs/chores that may have been done with the absent parent in mind, and teamed up to get them done through a chore chart (some of the families even did prizes for the teams who got the most done!)

Anything you are doing to survive and cope right now is probably the right thing.  You seem like a great Mom.   Be good to yourself.