I would imagine that you could use the TGT to help your own spouse treat you fairly in case of divorce but..I've heard that even if adultery is grounds for divorce in your state, which it still is in a few; that "TGT" does not constitute an adulterous relationship before the law.. as ridiculous as it seems.

So adultery is still the joining of two heterosexual individuals in the act of intercourse between male and female. The laws need to change as the laws are being changed in favor or upholding the rights of Lgbt individuals. Cheating is cheating iow's.

Rob wrote:

Nurse33 wrote:

He does travel frequently for work, but that is part of his job. I know where he is going, I see the flight and credit card receipts. He is actually gone now. I did ask him, if he was. His response was Wow. No I'm not gay. And it actually bothers me that you ask. You could certainly ask anyone I know.

Do you believe what he says?  Does he seem emotionally distant and always texting and talking to guy friends ?
I would say snoop.  You gut is telling you something.            

He is vey emotionally distant, always texting guy friends. He is very secretive about his phone and computer. I will try my best. I'm going to bring the topic up at therapy and see how he reacts when we are face to face. I just don't see why it would bother him, if he wasn't. This is all making me depressed and sad. He tells me I'm the reason we don't have sex, or it is because he is too depressed. Even at the high times in our relationship, he hasn't wanted/initiated sex. I don't think he is being honest with himself or me, while this self destructing me :-(

Sam, I am glad the laws are finally changing, I am so grateful that things are moving towards this, slow as they may seem.

Jkpeace, my husband has done the same. His stuff, his cell phone, his PC, His time, his friends and on and on. I also would ask my friends/family if this was the way their marriage was, and invariably,  they would say NO it was open to one another, their was no private in marriage. He was always secretive and hated when I tried to penetrate his walls they HE had put up in all ways. This was NOT a marriage I now realize but it took me forever to put two and two together. We weren't' unionized but single..everyone for themselves...except I didn't know it for years. "He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing" What a mindf*ck!

Thank you everyone for sharing. While in the closet, I too was defensive, angry, and made my (then) wife feel like everything was her fault. Looking back, I was simply doing what narcissists do (whether gay or straight): projecting my self-hatred on others. It was cruel, terrible, and I wish I could take it all back. I agree with foreverfooled that me acting this way for so long isn't part of a healthy marriage. It's abuse, plain and simple.

​I'm not bisexual so I can't comment on bi/straight marriages (or mixed orientation marriages), but I did have a gay/straight marriage. And I don't see how any gay/straight marriage, however accommodating or loving, can work. As a gay spouse, I simply wasn't attracted to women and yet chose to marry one. While I could try to 'fix' my marriage, no amount of therapy, nor inventiveness in the bedroom, could change the fact that I am a gay man attracted to men. What I lived and what I read about time and time again in this forum are straight spouses who suffer mightily because we gay spouses deny our true sexuality. Our marriages are therefore a lie.

​Turning now to the issue of couples therapy, which Nurse33 and others hope will resolve their relationship issues, I think counselling is a necessary step in the breakup of a gay/straight marriage. People like me have the advantage of hindsight in thinking, "Couples therapy never works!" But I can't forget that we're talking about the death of a marriage and, quite often, the breakup of families. So it's natural that we do everything we can to save our marriages, however broken.

​What creates false hope, however, are gay husbands like me denying their homosexuality, lying to our wives about affairs, and pretending to want to remain married to women while doing absolutely everything (like hookups and gay porn) to demonstrate we don't. This is what's so confusing for our spouses who we've manipulated for years if not decades. 

​So what's my point? My point is that all marriages are work, yet some are doomed to failure. In order for a marriage to work, both partners have to want the relationship yet the gay husband wants intimacy with another man. As I've read time and time again in this forum, it's as if the straight spouse were living the relationship for two. My (then) wife spent the final years of our marriage carrying me and all of my emotional sh*t around, ​all while I criticized and emotionally abused her. ​It must have been unimaginably painful for her. And when we went to therapy, all I talked about was how much I'd suffered. ​I'm ashamed to share that but it's true. ​I'm surprised she didn't stab me to death with the psychiatrist's letter opener. 

​I'm sorry for rambling and writing so much about myself and my former marriage. Getting back to my point, short-term defensiveness, anger, and secrecy happen in any relationship. But they should never be the foundation of a marriage. Kel often shares about the differences between her former gay husband and current straight husband. The difference is night and day.  My hope is always that counseling will help all gay/straight couples work through their issues so they can heal. But no amount of psychotherapy can turn a gay man straight. I know from experience.

​I hope that helps in some small way.

Last edited by Séan (February 2, 2017 7:26 am)

jkpeace wrote:

Nurse33:  My husband was extremely secretive about his phone and computer, too.  He said, "I deserve privacy."

I asked too many married friends to count:  "Do you hide your passwords, phones, computers from each other?"  All of them, every single one, said, "Of course not.  He/She knows my passwords."

I never felt the need to hide anything from my husband (STBX).  I have absolutely nothing to hide...never did and never will.  In a trusting relationship, nobody feels uneasy and nobody hides what they are doing.  There is only one reason for him to be secretive about his phone or computer:  He knows there is something on those that will upset you.  He has something to hide.  That's for sure.

This was a huge issue between my wife and I for about 6 months leading up to her admission of TGT.  
She would hide her phone, change her passwords, change the notifications on her phone screen, only check messages when I wasn't in the room, etc..   I would get so frustrated because I had huge suspicions.  I would tell her that if she had nothing to hide she wouldn't feel the need to hide it.  This simple stance was enough for me to know that something was up.. yet she continued to lie to me and mess with my head..  "if you loved me you would trust me."  "You're a bad husband because you don't trust your wife".   "why do you need to know every detail of my communications.. do you really care about what I think about my co-workers hair or what color i'm going to paint my nails"?     I would reply.. "No I don't care about those things, but if you have nothing to hide you won't care if I have access.. your requirement of privacy is telling me that you have something you need to hide". 

I'm still just fuming mad about how she lied to me so much and for so long..  GRRRR!!!!