Glad I found the new forum. 

Powerful and true.  Our pasts are not what we thought they were.

At least those who lost their spouses to death (not saying this lightly, as I have the utmost compassion for those so situated) have treasured memories to hold onto, ours are forever tainted knowing that we gave years to a carefully staged lie, even if they gay/bi spouse truly did want it to work/be a real marriage...a fantasy is still a lie, just with better intentions. I guess we are similar to the women who find out that their spouses are already married, just that we are in much larger numbers.  Again, if of older generations, to me it comes back to gay/bi persons being told that they must conform by either marrying someone of the opposite sex and lying to themselves and that person, or that they must remain single and abstain/suppress their desires.  How in the hell is that fair to anyone? And not to sound selfish, but how in the hell is that fair to us beards?  I am completely for letting people be who they were born to be.  You don't force your lifestyle down my throat, I don't force my lifestyle down yours.  Would have spared my spouse and I decades of pain. 

Unfortunately, homophobia remains a huge problem in the African-American community and I fear more of us straights are bound to become unknowingly married to someone who is closeted, or worse, get gaslighted atop that, unless we stop demonizing others for their preference in sexual partners (mind you, that does not change my view of reckless, app based sex hook up practices, which behavior is found in both the gay and straight communities).

As for 20 somethings and younger, there is no excuse to lie to find a partner. You should be who you are meant to be and find someone who supports you in that truth, otherwise you will never be content and may miss being with the person you could have been with had you embraced your authentic self. 

Last edited by fembotreturns (January 21, 2017 5:26 pm)

JenS, 

Go easy on yourself.  This is a rollercoaster.  First, the "shoulds" just suck.  Just be who you are each moment.  Be kind to your soul.  This situation is unbearable for any human being.  We get it. 

You will be angry, if not today, it will hit you like a wall.  Or you'll ride the rollercoaster of emotions, which will involve anger.  Don't judge yourself for being a good and loving person, trying to have empathy for your spouse.  

It makes me sad to know that you are actually losing friends and family because of how you feel and having the bravery to share it with them.  They have no right to judge what you feel or do, but they are.  People do. It's likely because they care deeply about what happens to you and don't want to see you in pain. 

But you are moving!  You have clarity.  You are brave.  You can do this.  

As for his secret, I kept his secret for years after we split.  Not because he asked me to, but because I didn't want to carry his bags around.  I left.  And boy, did he have a ball with letting everyone know I left him!  It all became my fault, just like it was when we were married.  That was a lonely time, because we went to college together and had mutual friends.  But you know what?  Keeping the secret allowed me to move on with a new life that was MINE.  I built what I wanted, finally.  I left my shoes by the front door and took out the trash, so to speak.  

To get away from him in a less physical way, plan things each day or week that are just yours, that can at least give you the illusion of escape.  For me, walking with my ipod, riding my bike, or driving around with music blaring really helped.  Of course when possible, get out of the house and start something that is just for you--take a class, attend a performance (other than the one in your house), go eat somewhere new, have a cup of coffee on a porch somewhere.   Just for you.  As you build these little "you" things, it helps visualize your life without him in it, away from him.   Might sound crazy but it worked for me. 

Sending virtual hugs.  Keep posting. 
 

Rob, never be ashamed for being a loving person.  The trick is to love ourselves as much as we put love out into the world or to people that hurt us.  

It sounds like you have made so much progress towards your new life.  Yay!  

maresyd said..."attend a performance (other than the one in your house)" -

This had me cracking up.  Just tickled me. Couldn't laugh at that a year ago. Funny how we all now look at things differently, huh? 

maresyd wrote:

fembotreturns wrote:

maresyd said..."attend a performance (other than the one in your house)" -

This had me cracking up. Just tickled me. Couldn't laugh at that a year ago. Funny how we all now look at things differently, huh? 

fembotreturns:  Made my Monday to know I made one of you laugh!  Thanks!
 

For those looking ahead ..
..my home now is free of drama. I can really see how crazy my ex made things...no cursing over minor things..no watching her break every marriage vow and project it onto me.
There is a peace and physical feeling of calm that is real..so glad to be away from the created drama.