Jill wrote:

Justme,

I'm much more knowledgeable about closeted gay men than about a wife who thinks she could be bi or even gay.
Yet, I know that my X succumbed to gay habits while being married to me. I ask "the porn" questions, the "someone else" questions and just got fabrications and not reality. My GIDXH had immersed himself in gayness while playing straight. You are not doing that!

Some things have always been off limits to me - like exploring my thoughts in sexual fantasies over other men when I'm married. Maybe that's not so simple for everyone, but what I'm trying to say is that certain behavior and what we do with our longings in life are choices. For example, I'd love a Mercedes convertible! That's as far as it goes though cause of the reality of the cost! I know I'll probably never have one and a reliable car is more than fine for me.

My point is that you have a great marriage and family. You enjoy your sex life with your husband. You love your child. Do you have to let a desire define you or could you chose to love your husband and accept never satisfying some sexual fantasy that you show so much uncertainty towards? Would it be wrong to talk to your husband but recommit to what you have with him, especially since you think you are bi and have vowed to love him?

Forum members can calll me old fashioned or narrow minded or something else. It's just that what you wish for and desire isn't always worth what you lose. Sex is important, but it really is only one component of a relationship, albeitt a very important one. So is honesty, loyalty, faithfulness, and an intact nuclear family important. Again, you said you enjoy your husband sexually. Why dwell upon fantasies of someone else?

For me, I needed honesty, loyalty, and faithfulness in a relationship. Calculated deception and unfaithful behavior negates all of that! Had there been a real person telling me about his struggle but that he still desired me (even though he desired men too), I would have counted the cost of losing an honest man who loved me despite his struggles. Instead I faced a man who dabbled much, covered up much, and told very little despite what I found. I would never have considered an open marriage, but even with the painful reality, I likely would have supported my X with a choice towards a renewed sense of trying to make it work for all the right reasons. That didn't happen for me, but it could possibly be the case for you and your marital choices.

I like this - your analogy with car is spot on. 
However I used the same reasoning with my ex and she wasn't  having any of it. At some point physiology and irrational thoughts trump reason

I admire JustMe's honesty, but I'm just wondering how someone can really "explore" his/her SSA and still remain committed n heart to his/her spouse  in a heterosexual marriage.

Hi everyone,

I wrote the original post a few months ago, and I just wanted to give all of you an update and thank you for being so kind to me. I talked to my husband, like some of you suggested, and I told him most of what I have been writing on this board. He was and - to some degree - still is pretty shocked, but we have been doing pretty well since then. We have no intention of splitting up, and I the last thing I want to do is hurt him or be unfaithful or dishonest. I am happier now thatI told him, because it means that I am not being ripped apart by guilt when I feel some degree of attraction to a woman. One good thing resulting from
our conversation is that it actually let to HIM being more honest with ME and telling me about some sexual desires he has always had but never told me about. Nothing crazy - just fairly normal straight stuff - but he had never told anyone before, and now we are exploring that together and it makes him feel really happy and fully accepted. I am glad that something good came from the painful conversation and that I can help him feel better about himself, too.

I am not done trying to cope with the realization thatI am not straight, and I am still exploring that through counseling, reading books and being honest with some familymembers and friends. Labeling my orientation is not easy for me, since I have been attracted to some men and some women in my life, but not necessarily to the same degree, so I am really not sure. I love my husband, I want him, I don't want anyone else, and I strongly feel like that should be all that matters, but I also know that the work isn't done, and that I need to work trough this for his sake and mine.

Thank you for listening

hi justme, thank you for coming back with an update.  I'm glad you've spoken with your husband, I think you deserve even more credit because you recognise that that's not the end of it.

And I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for the sadness inherent in the situation. 

I just think you are both better off being open and sharing it all, the painful bits too - better out than in.  If you are good to each other you can still love each other come what may.

Have to add a personal observation - sexuality and happiness seem inexorably linked to me. 

wishing you all the best.  lily