I was with my ex-wife for 18 years. We were married for 16 and had two children together. The two boys alone make those years 'not wasted' but putting that aside there's this...

I was happily married. Right up until the day my ex told me she was gay I was happily married. Sure things weren't 'perfect',  and in hindsight I now know why, but if anyone had asked me "are you happily married?" I would have said 'yes'.

Does that make me grateful I married a lesbian? Of course not. But I won't let her re-write history for ME. I won't think of my life as 'wasted' or 'miserable' because truly... it wasn't. I know we all weren't that lucky. .

When they leave they take a lot. Don't let them take stuff they are not entitled to. Don't let them rob you of the happy times or the good things.

Edit: Hey Rob... Wrote this reply before reading any of the others. I just read yours and noticed how similar it is to mine. *high five*

Last edited by Steve (January 25, 2017 1:55 pm)

JenS, 

I'm no psychologist, but I think what you are describing is two separate phases.  

Phase one is getting through the mess...  During this stage you need to channel the anger to motivate you.  Use it to keep pushing yourself to move forward.  Use it to avoid regressing and wanting back into the relationship.  Harness that anger to create action to get you to a position in life where you have the opportunity to heal.  You can't heal when you are with the offender. 

Phase two is after the divorce and separation are complete.  At this stage you need to step back and re-assess your position.  You no longer need the anger to motivate you.. Now you need to learn how to accept the past, release the anger, perhaps even forgive someday.  Then you can get truly helathy

JenS,

So sorry..  I'm just divorced and Steve has been divorced for a while.  In reply to this thread I'm talking all the past memories over the years.. looking back.  During my divorce (2 years in hell) just looking at my kids or a picture of my kids could make be cry.  I did not find pictures of when they were little that helpful.

But I have very recent bad memories..  horrific.  They, my support system and God fueled me during my divorce...  I would have sold my organs to get away from her.   I was so abused...there seemed no limit to her hurt.  My posts are littered with my story.  

When I get sad about being alone or divorced those memories really help put things in perspective and remind me how lucky I am..  Sounds strange but I count my blessings being away from her now...she was so  mean and hurtful..    It's also strange...I loved her so much but ... if you put a gun to my head I would not take her back.   Some people have a lot of  bitterness and anger.. I have sadness and fear.   

Work on getting through the valley.    Cry if you have to.. crying is ok...it means we feel and are human.
My anti-depressants at the time took some of that away..they helped a lot when faced with beautiful kids, years of  memories and a cruel narcissistic  spouse.       Don't be ashamed to seek all the help you can get.  

E-hugs
 

Last edited by Rob (January 26, 2017 10:23 pm)

Thank you so much for posting this question. I'm 4 years post discovery, divorced, and in a great relationship but I still struggle with how to hold my memories.  I was with my ex for almost 40 years.  I am lucky that I did not experience the abuse or cruelty that others have gone through (with the exception of some reactionary behavior in the months of total upheaval).  So - my thoughts are probably only relevant to those who were happy in their marriages.  My latest strategy is to frame my past as the folk song says:  "to everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven."  I tell myself there was a time for us to be together as a young couple, a time for us to raise a family, and a time for us to separate.  There may even be a time for us to reunite as friends.  This helps me realize my marriage was just as "meant to be" as any other; I was just meant to be married to a  man who struggled with his sexual identity.  Another strategy that helps me is a focus on gratitude.   I stuck this quote on my office lamp: "For all that has been - thank you.  For all that is to come - yes!"   When a poignant memory surfaces, I try to mentally rush in with a "thank you" before I start analyzing what my ex was REALLY thinking doing etc. I still have a long way to go, but these  mental gymnastics help me - and they feel pretty "real."  I would love to hear others' thoughts on how to embrace our pasts without undue pain or regret.