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1 of 1- vicky
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Update
Hi all,
I thought I'd post an update since JK asked me. It's a summary but you'll get the gist.
Last fall I said I wanted to separate. He freaked and got us a counsellor. At first he showed improvement and he is being more respectful towards me. However he is not seeing or acknowledging that any of his past behaviours were inappropriate or damaging to me. That to me is not very good, it means that we'll be on repeat at some point in the future. I'm giving it about a year to see if he can make a real improvement. Not sure to what end, I don't believe he's 100% gay though. We're stuck together for awhile anyway since we just bought a house last summer and would take a financial hit I'd prefer not to think about if we sold up and he's not working right now either. He's actively looking for something. So that's my status, currently working on it, but not sure what 'it' is. I figure best case scenario, he turns into a decent human being (he does have elements of decency) or worst case is we part ways in year, well I've put 18 years into it so what's one more. Our kids are small too so I do feel as though trying to keep us together is worth it. I do feel frustrated by all this uncertainty, and I do have serious doubts about his willingness to put the work in.
Vicky
- maresyd
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Re: Update
Hi Vicky,
Sounds like a rollercoaster, something we are all familiar with. Keep posting, we're here to support and give our vantage points....
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- Rob
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Re: Update
Vicky,
Here's wishing you strength and fortitude. I hope he doesn't hurt you more.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- JJ1966
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Re: Update
Vicky,
I hope it works out take care of yourself. Keep posting and hang in there.
Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
- vicky
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Re: Update
Hi, Thanks I've discovered a backbone I didn't know I had so things have been good in terms of his treatment towards me, generally he's always been nice to me it was all these other things like making everything my fault, or making me feel guilty or his fixations, or his treatment of my friends and family, it's hard to explain really because they sound like minor things and all these little things can be overlooked/forgiven easily. Is it abuse to blame me for losing a receipt, no, but do it 1000 times with various things and then yes. I was looking at each incident on it's own and not considering the whole. That goes for all of the things he does. He's still looking at the individual incidents and not seeing how destructive the whole picture is.
Having said that, while he's not been a good supportive partner he has been and is still a very good dad. These days I am sort of leaning towards making our time together tolerable until the kids are older.
JenS, I am the sole supporter right now, funny thing is I've maintained my independence financially, I could have stayed home with the kids but I always thought I needed to know I could support myself and now I am so glad for that. Money isn't keeping us together, though I don't want to pay penalties on our mortgage for cancelling early. I could afford to keep the house but it's a bit much with a huge yard for me to care for alone and we have equity in the house so I don't know if we'd be forced to sell if we separate to split the money. Then because I work as an independent on contracts and not 'employed' I would have difficulty getting a mortgage with a traditional lender on my own until I've been self employed for several years. I've put some thought into this. If we split and sell the house I'll be renting until I can prove a stable income as self employed, by then I could be priced out of the market as housing here in Canada is wildly expensive and increasing steadily. So staying together for a few years really does benefit me too.
I don't know if I'm modelling a good relationship for our kids, we don't bicker in front of them but we have had a few big fights that they've heard. I'm not tolerating his behaviour anymore and since that happened he's been treating me better so the kids aren't seeing it. Whenever I sense a big conflict coming on tell the kids they can play video games and they're so thrilled they disappear and don't see the fight.
Vicky
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