I don't know..  im thinking mine had some attraction however small.

I'm thinking if she had met a girl instead of me she would be have been a lesbian.

But...this I can tell now.  She would have cheated on that girl partner to have kids or if not then .she would have cheated now years later to be with a man.
This I know.

That is..I see signs of her narcissism.  Right now if she wanted a girl she would toss me away for a girl..if she wanted a man she would get a man, if she wanted a unicorn or green alien one of those...  she would do whatever she wants. So in her mind shes just getting what she wants.. that it is a girl all these years later just makes it more fun for her..that she broke a taboo or norm..well she is not subject to them..  it's all about her and she is above everything.

TGT is a huge thing for us but for her it's no biggy and if it hurts me so much the better.  The more hurt the better..scorch and burn.

So I'm past the adultery and TGT. .but the narcissism. .oh I see that in spades.

Overwhelmingly, not-straight people are aware they're different before they're 16.  Some know as young as five.

However, there are individuals who are late bloomers, generally clueless and/or don't see their attraction for what it is.

I'd imagine it's more confusing for lesbians since women have more societal freedom to express affection for each other. I'm sure there are some obtuse women who think what they feel is normal and platonic when it's not.

As for respect, understanding and/or forgiveness, my wife cheated on me and I was fully committed to her.  I know how it feels to be betrayed and to have my whole life turned upside down.  There's a lot I could be angry about.  But why bother?  The anger doesn't accomplish anything.  And she wouldn't suffer more than me because of my anger.  I would be suffering the most.  For the most, I've made peace with the painful past and present.  The future is all that can be changed so that's what I try to stay focused on.
 

Hey Todd, I get it. If they always knew, then the entire relationship (30 years for me!) was based on a lie (omission but a pretty huge one) and the marriage I thought I was in never existed. Was I that stupid, or was he that good of a liar? I will never know, but I feel like it has tainted every minute of the years and every aspect of a marriage I thought was fine. I want to burn every picture of every event we celebrated together, and forget the past 30 years ever happened. But wow, that's half of my entire life.

Is this why you keep wondering? I'm just hitting the one year mark (today!) and I still can't resolve these questions in my mind. I'd love to let it go, but how??

Todd,

Maybe I'm being a wimp, but this is the way I think about it at this point. We were together 20 years. He was a good husband. There was no abuse, no gas lighting, no cheating (that I know of). We got along well. The sex was very, very good, just not frequent enough. I think he loved me. I think I was his best friend. From bits and pieces of what he's said, plus my own intuition, I think he convinced himself he wasn't gay as a young man, dated women, married me (at age 23), and for the first 5-8 years was still convinced he was straight. I think by year 10 he started looking a porn. I think his attraction to men started to become something he couldn't ignore around year 18 or so. I think by year 20, at age 41, he realized over a six month period, after the death of his homophobic father, that he was bi or gay, and that he was no longer willing to not have sex with men. Then he left me. 

I honestly believe he loved me. But did he love me as a straight man could have? No. Did he love me as a best friend, someone who enjoyed many similar things, someone whom he shared children with? I think so. 

Again, maybe I'm taking the easy way out, but this is what I think happened.

At the same time, do I think some people know for sure they're gay the minute they marry and use it as a cover up? Absolutely. And if I learn some day that that's what happened, I'll have to accept it. 

And bigger than anything else, I'm learning that anything about our history, whether I deduce it or he says it, is still ultimately a mystery, because I do not live inside his head and cannot trust him to be truthful. So I will never really know. Which blows your damn mind the first time you realize it. But I know I was all in, I know he was my friend, and for me, that has to be enough to know.

Otherwise, I never move on, and I'll be damned if I'm letting him have rent-free space in my head, as someone else eloquently expressed on this forum. 

Best to you, Todd. You are a good person.

Sue