Let me put my $0.02 in.  When it comes to marriage, unmet expectations are often the cause of much strife, sadness, anger and unfulfillment.  Sometimes this can be resolved by changing one's expectations.  And other times it's better to see that your expectations are reasonable, but will never be met, and walk away.

Try to drill down into what you need and want.  That sounds very pie-in-the-sky, so I'll specify.  When you think of what it would require for you to be happy in a marriage, what are those things?  For me, some of those are:
1. Honesty
2. Communication
3. Faithfulness - both bodily and mind
4. Passion / intimacy
5. Both individuals being capable and willing to put their marriage and the other person first over their own desires.

Now, without these things, a marriage wouldn't be fulfilling to me.  At ALL.  I had a decent marriage to my gay ex, and yet I didn't have the above things.  No matter how much we could have or did work on improving our marriage, without him "wanting" me, it was all for naught.  No matter how good of a dad he is or what kind of car he provides me with or whether I work or stay home, or how much he pitches in around the house, none of it makes up for a lack of passion / intimacy.  I had all of that - so I'd know.

Now, there are other things that I love in a relationship that are lovely, and kind of cross between needs and wants.  I really love a good sense of humor in a person, because I think laughter can go a loooong way in a marriage.  But is it necessary?  Debatable.  Same with intelligence - I love that I have that this time, but I don't necessarily think I need my partner to be as intelligent or more intelligent than me.  it's a plus.  So is having common interests - these things all go a long way towards making marriage easier.  But they're not necessary in the way that my needs list is - at least not to me.  Without the needs, I cannot and will not be happy.  There is no way to adjust my expectations of marriage down to a level that include no intimacy and no passion and a lack of honesty, and still have it feel like a good marriage to me.  Once I realized that I didn't think it was possible for me to have those things from my ex, I realized that choosing to stay with him was literally choosing unhappiness.  And I just.coulnd't.do.that.

It's worth looking at what you'd need to be fulfilled in a marriage.  For some, maybe the physical intimacy can be missing (maybe they're not fond of it anyway and don't miss it), so long as they have a strong friendship and a fun time together.  But for me, that was integral to being in a marriage that was going to be fulfilling to me.  I tried to be happy without it - and I couldn't.  And I wasn't going to get that while staying with my ex.  He was incapable.  I later learned it was because he was gay - not because he was choosing to not find me attractive.  So it's unresolvable, to me.

I often find that looking at the situation from a different perspective works wonders, too.  We often think, "should I stay married, or leave?  And leaving is the action part of this - it's the change.  It's the part that we scrutinize and try to figure out how painful and difficult it would be.  And it's not a very attractive option compared to the status quo, which you're already living with.  Except if you turn that around and look at what STAYING would likely look like, it may just scare the bejesus out of you.  Staying often requires no thought - but it should.  Once I looked at what staying would look like long-term, I realized I couldn't do it.  When I thought about another 25 years of no intimacy, and I looked at the kids leaving eventually and us two being all alone with each other without the daily grind being what we concentrate on, I was petrified.  I saw my soul withering away to the point where I would just be existing in the same house with my spouse.  And we didn't have a lot in common outside of the children.  We didn't enjoy doing the same things, we didn't value the same things, we didn't enjoy each other, we didn't laugh or play or dream together.  It wasn't going to get better - it was going to get worse.  It had already been 16 years and we hadn't moved an inch on some of our issues.  He seemed to be losing some of his drive (sexually) while mine was ramping up.  We were further apart in most ways that we'd ever been.  That trend was likely to continue, which meant that in another 10 years, or another 25 I'd either be truly miserable or I'd be dead inside to deal with the misery and compartmentalize it all.

And speaking of compartmentalizing it all, there's another subject.  I think that in order to keep on keeping on, we do a LOT of compartmentalizing.  And that can be a good thing - it helps us to keep going.  But marriage shouldn't be a pros and cons type of list.  Because you can have an entire pro list that includes a lot, but one HUGE con can make all that immaterial.  Let's look at an example.  Say you want to get a pet.  You want a dog.  There are certain things that are necessary when looking at whether you want to move forward with obtaining a pet.  There are things that are not negotiable - like feeding the dog, and taking them to the vet for care and to address issues.  If you're willing to spend the time, money and effort on those few things, then you can move forward and look at what kind of dog would be the best fit.  Maybe you have a small place and a large animal wouldn't be a good fit.  Or maybe you want a lap dog.  Maybe you want a watch dog that could help out around your family farm.  Maybe you want to raise the dog from a puppy, so you have a lot of control over their eventual personality and habits.  Maybe you want a senior dog so you have a fluffy friend, but not a biter and a chewer.  But regardless of what kind of animal you want, you still need to feed them.  And take them to the vet.  Those few things are non-negotiable.  No amount of love and petting can substitute for food.  Your dog will be fine without ever going to run in the surf at the beach.  Or even without playing at a dog park.  Hell, he could be okay without ever having a single toy.  it's not ideal, but it's livable.  But he cannot get all those toys and trips and love, but go without food and water.  So no amount of putting in all that other stuff can replace nourishment.  It's base to having the animal - feeding it.  Your marriage is the same.  There are certain things that are non-negotiatable.  Figure out what that are for you, and do NOT sacrifice on them.  Or you will die inside.  No matter how many pretty beach trips, or toys, or help.  Don't cut yourself off at the knees unless you're willing to never walk or run again.

Kel

I just found out that my husband of 15 years is gay and a fur.   Before I found out he said he was going to go to counseling to save our rocky marriage because he had "issues" he needed to resolve.   He's still willing to go to counseling, and I want to make it work, but isn't that just suppressing it?  Can anyone truly give up who they are?  Is it possible he is just having a mid life crisis?
We have two small children that don't even know what sex is.  I'm a stay at home mom with no resources and so completely hurt and blindsided.

Is he going to counseling because he truly wants to make it work or just to keep you on-board?
From what I've seen and read you can't change inclinations. You might be able to change behaviour not to act upon it but the temptation is always going to be there. As for a mid-life crisis - I've never heard of one making a heterosexual male decide to see what it's like to be gay. It would certainly never do that to me. Perhaps the crisis is the realization of what makes him happy vs. his "normal" life of wife and kids? Take care and talk it out here as much as you need to.

Hi Jk,

I have registered, and of course I'd like to help if I can, but you might consider posting your questions to the forum instead of emailing me.  I say this for two reasons.  First, there may be other straight wives here who would benefit from seeing and/or participating in the conversation, and second, you could easily get much more helpful responses from others. 

Whatever you decide, please don't hesitate to share your burden with those who want to support you.  This is a very difficult time.  Everyone here has got your back.

I've put some basic info about myself into my profile.  My story is very unusual, with several twists and turns.  Although I can certainly speak from my personal experience, I've been interacting with closeted married men for more than 20 years.  I've heard hundreds of stories, I know their thinking, and I know the patterns they fall into.

Regarding compassion - generally speaking, I think the world would be a better place if we all showed more compassion toward each other.  However, we still need to be aware that often self-less compassion goes too far. 

To answer your question specifically, yes, your husband would love for you to be understanding and compassionate right now, especially if he has to tell his family and friends the truth.  But please be aware that whatever compassion you show him is not likely to be returned to the same degree.  For this reason, you would be wise to be compassionate but safe and guarded at the same time.  Whatever compassion you give, don't expect it to be remembered, appreciated or reciprocated.  Give freely what you are willing to give, but expect nothing.

The reason I say this is that coming out is sort of like child birth.  Actually coming out (or giving birth) is a horrendous, often excruciatingly painful process.  But once the event happens and the immediate drama is over, the memory doesn't seem so bad, nor is it particularly relevant to the present.  This means that when married men come out, after an initial period of intense pain, they get over the bad stuff pretty quickly and move on to their new life.  Very often, decades of repression fall away like a dam collapsing and the calm, cool, collected man the wife once knew turns into a self-absorbed teenager, hyped up on freedom and thoughts of recapturing lost youth. Once that attitude starts to take over, the responsibilities of parenting and of being a compassionate ex-husband feel like lead weights, dragging them down.  Meanwhile, their middle-aged wives are strapped for money and overwhelmed by suddenly being a single parent.

This scenario doesn't *always* play out, but I think every straight wife would be wise to expect it.

My suggestion would be to be willing to listen when he speaks and to not act in anger whenever possible.  Essentially - don't be mean or cruel but don't take on his problems.  His life will be sorted much more quickly than yours.

Last edited by Cameron (July 17, 2016 6:11 pm)