Sean, the importance of your contributions to this forum can never be overstated. I am so greatly appreciative of all that you have shared. It gives so many of us what I believe to be a true window into the mind and heart of the gay spouse. I can't thank you enough. You don't need to be here but you are. You don't appear to have any agenda but to help others. Thank you from every fiber of my being. Thank you thank you.

JenS wrote:

Also, I'd like to know:  do straight men use gay porn to get an erection before having sex with their wives?   I think not, but, sadly, I've only had one partner in my life and he's gay so I don't have another standard of comparison.  He says I'm really bad in bed and that's the reason.  

I'll let Sean field the first question you asked, but I can give you an authoritative answer on this one.    

NO!!!!

Straight men do not use gay porn to get an erection before having sex with their wives.  No No No NO NO NO..   It would have quite the opposite affect as a matter of fact.  

Of course this is my own personal opinion and experience, so I can't speak for all straight men..  but I think i'ts a safe answer for 99.999999% of str8 men.  By definition, a straight man is sexually attracted to female bodies and not attracted to male bodies.  If a man was attracted to both he would be BI.  If only attracted to men.. he's gay.  It's the pure definition of sexual attraction. 

What you really are asking is this..  Why does he need to watch gay porn to have sex with me?   The answer is because he is gay.  It takes viewing a body that he is attracted to in order to get him "excited".. once ready he can use his imagination to carry out the rest of the intercourse experience in a way that keeps him excited. 

Don't for a second let this knowledge make you feel bad about yourself.  This really is zero reflection on you and your attractiveness or sexuality.  It's just how he's wired.  You might be more attractive than (insert movie star or model here) and the most talented sex goddess in the world.. but he wouldn't care because he's not attracted to women.  That doesn't mean you aren't those things.  He just can't see it. 

I'm in the same boat as you..  just one sexual partner in my life and she is a lesbian.. woohoo.. lucky me.   Oh well.. you know what..  something to look forward to.  Someday I'm going to remarry and get to enjoy sex the way it's meant to be.. with a woman who really enjoys me.  

Thanks everyone for your posts and for your shout out Dancerbeck. I'm just a gay ex-husband posting here. You straight spouses are the true heroes for surviving this ordeal and sharing about it. JenS had a number of questions I'll try to answer:

​1. Is it possible that he doesn't know that he is gay?   I mean, I know he's gay beyond a shadow of a doubt and I've known for a long time.   I just KNOW plus the evidence is overwhelming - just a damning body of evidence if anyone cared to examine it.   Doesn't he dream about men?   Fantasize about men? How can he pretend that he doesn't know that he is gay?   Is all of that stuff just stuffed into his subconscious somewhere and he's sealed it off and this is why he's so messed up as a human being.   These are some of my more pressing questions.   

Yes he knows that he's gay. But he's in denial and has been in denial for so long, probably starting around age 5 or 6, that he now believes the lie. The lie has become part of his soul. His self-defence mechanism is narcissism which is just a form of self-delusion which manifests itself in emotional abuse towards his friends and family. Now that he's acting on his homosexual feelings, it's taking even more mental effort to perpetuate the lie. But you can only hold your breath for so long. If you are posting here, he's likely depressed, has mood swings, and may suffer from insomnia. It's like a long, drawn-out mental breakdown. While his mind is trying to maintain the lie that he's a straight man, his anger belies the inner struggle and unfortunately he's taking it out on his wife and family.

2. Also, I'd like to know:  do straight men use gay porn to get an erection before having sex with their wives?   I think not, but, sadly, I've only had one partner in my life and he's gay so I don't have another standard of comparison.  He says I'm really bad in bed and that's the reason.   

​There is absolutely nothing wrong with you Jen. You are a beautiful, sexy, and caring woman who deserves better than this gay-in-denial bastard who would dare blame you for his problems. He's the problem. He's bad in bed. Why? Because he's gay. No straight man on Earth needs to watch gay porn to get aroused. Period. He's projecting his inability to perform on you. He's probably hinting about a threesome with another man, or trying to push you to have sex with another woman. Why? Because he wants to do these things himself but he's too scared to be honest with you. It's his fault. Not yours.

I hope that helps in some small way.   

I'd echo what lostdad has shared. You're not alone. Another thing gay-in-denial narcissists do is isolate their partners from friends and family. They put on a good show of being the perfect son-in-law or brother-in-law when they're 'on stage' and yet criticize your friends and family behind their backs. Make no mistake, however, you are the strong one. He needs you because he's afraid to be alone. Your life and family life will be much better without your gay-in-denial narc. So just start with small steps. Get lots of sleep, eat well, keep posting here, start working through these feelings with family or a counsellor. Remember that you're not alone. I hope that helps in some small way.  

vicky wrote:

 A willing partner of the desired gender is the biggest turn on for any man.  I'm not a man but I think that's accurate.
​Vicky

YES!   I think all people, men and woman, hetero or homosexual would agree.  I do for sure.   Having a WILLING partner of the DESIRED gender is a turn-on.  

I don't like the concept of "rating" a woman's appearance, but just for the sake of this illustration..   I'd rather be with an average woman who wants me and loves me than a supermodel who has no interest.   The flip side is that no matter how willing or how attractive the other party is, if they are no my desired gender, I'm not interested. 

I don't care if the most eligible bachelor in the world (insert your favorite - Brad Pitt or Rob Lowe or whatever) somehow picked me as someone they wanted to be with and they were extremely willing..   Guess what.. I'm not interested.  

So we cannot take it personally that our current or former spouses weren't intersted in us.  It's not our faut. 

 

Last edited by lostdad (January 24, 2017 12:55 pm)