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1 of 1- mt
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Trying to find a way to move on
I came to check out this board after sending a request for support online and I was so relieved to see similar experiences in post after post. You are all such a blessing to me to see I'm not alone.
After several sleepless nights describing how she was molested as a child, XW came out to me as "always knowing" she was gay, that was over 15 years ago. I tried to be compassionate and supportive with her pain and confusion. After asking why she would marry me, she said her family wouldn't accept TGT so she was going to make the best of denial. I am still deeply hurt for her picking me.
Over the next five years she wanted to divorce, she didn't, she wanted to move out, she didn't, she wanted a lesbian relationship, and she did. I finally needed to divorce her, kept both kids at home, and she found a new place to live. Before she finalized her move she ended her affair, tearfully saying she made a mistake and wanted to stay.
Over the last ten years the kids have both now moved on and out, so being estranged "roommates" finally ended this week with her announcement she was moving. Seems her former fling was also waiting for her kids to leave home, recently divorced her husband and bought a new house. XW left last night saying she was getting a birthday card for a family party the next day. I awoke to the lights still on in the middle of the night and discovered she'd taken most of her things.
Now I sit in the dark reliving the pain, sadness, loneliness, and anger all over again. I'm fearful I'm already overwhelming what small family support I have. Bless you all.
- Rob
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Re: Trying to find a way to move on
Mt,
Yeah. TGT can be hard for family to grasp...it's hard for us.
If there anything like mine they'll just be there for you.
Your in shock but from what you've written she sounds like a selfish roller coaster. Even though I was waiting for mine to move out...she still left abruptly one day with as much hurtful drama she could manage..the kids come either her.
Yours sounds like she left you in the middle if the night..a real coward.
As much as it hurts I say count your blessings. Shes out..it would be better if you had a divorce settlement now also. but your relieved of her abuse and on again off again selfishness. You should pray to God she doesn't break up with this lover and want to come back. Go no contact or minimal contact..unless it's about the kids. Do not reply to her texts.
I'm a bit different in that mine became so mean there was no way I could live with her anymore. I don't know what I would have done if,in the very early stages, she suddenly was remorseful and wanted to be back. But I knew her ..I saw all the horrible evidence...she did not want the marriage and was inhumane in her discard of me. I could never trust her again. I may have had "trauma bonding" or in other words "insane loyalty".. but I had enough self diginity to know I could not live with someone like her;that could hurt so much with no empathy. .she scared me. I could not live in fear and distrust. In the end I was physically afraid of her.
Write back for support . Gather strength in the form a lawyer, therapist etc. Small steps for yourself. All helped me..my "insane loyalty" or love is focused on me and my kids now.
Last edited by Rob (January 22, 2017 7:23 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- maresyd
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Re: Trying to find a way to move on
mt,
Glad you found us. Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Change the locks on the house if you must. I'm hoping the family "party" today is somewhere you can get some support.
So many of the hard pieces are over--you know, she's made her decision, and you yours. The kids are out of the house. Do your kids know?
But for the movie playing over and over in your head, and the lonely....
Change the channel. Your life can be different now. It has to be. Do one small thing every day that changes your life from old to new. Just like I've said to others, it does work. Even 15 years ago when this was happening to me, I didn't feel like doing anything because the sadness and pain overwhelmed me. But small steps did something to alter my perspective. Even moving furniture, putting a coat of paint on a wall, changing wall decorations where you spend your time, or doing something that you enjoy out of the house--or even better yet, something you don't know you would enjoy and have never tried.
The loneliness that comes with this gift of a gay spouse can be so debilitating. Please reach out. You are not overwhelming to those that love you. Keep moving. Even baby steps will help.
A big hug to you.
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- phoenix
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Re: Trying to find a way to move on
mt.. like your house now.. empty.
Mine too! I hate it.
You don't deserve this. You are a good man! You made the best of things because you love your kids and you are an honorable person. You are to be commended for that.
Now you get to focus on yourself. You get to live life on your terms. You get to enjoy that house in the way you want it. You are free to move forward with YOUR life.
My ex moved out two weeks ago. She brought some friends over and packed and moved. She said goodbye to our sons but didn't even acknowledge my presence.. just shut the door and walked out. That's not quite as bad as leaving in the middle of the night.. but I understand the feeling of abandonment and being discarded.
I can tell you that the first few days were harder than I expected. The final nail in that coffin is hard to take. But I can also tell you that after two weeks, it feels better than I expected. The distance feels longer than just a couple weeks.
When you are ready, so start to rethink your situation and find some positives and things to look forward to. You get to decorate and move things around in the house to suit you best. You get to meet new people and try new hobbies. You don't have to stress about seeing her each day. You will eventually be ready to meet new ladies (maybe you are already). Get through this storm day by day. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Don't be too macho or "strong" to think you don't need a therapist or councilor or to visit your doctor for sleep meds or anti-anxiety pills. If you've exhausted your family, then find divorce care group or a local straight spouse chapter, the str8 spouse facebook page, etc.. Find some buddies to spend time with.. You can do this!
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.