Hi Hopeful,

we all need hope.  So I'm sorry to be putting a dint in your hopes for a good marriage but as I am in my 60's now I feel I can be confident in saying that one's sexuality matters more and more as you age not less as you might imagine.

You like the look of women and he likes the look of men and this is only going to matter more with time not less.

He has already failed spectacularly at being monogamous with you and maybe you should pay attention to what that says about your future.  If you forgive him now it is likely he will end up resenting you for it.

sorry.  I know how much it sucks.

all the best, Lily.



 

Hopeful10

I know your looking for support here ..I can't say I have any..only what I went through.

My now ex was totally straight as far as I knew..but suddenly was hanging out with her girlfriend more and more... too much.

Its the lack of trust and my ex being disloyal that caused me to shake with trauma in the beginning.
The fact that it was a woman just made it more horrible and allowed her to carry on the affair in front of everyone. Ie. I'm just texting my friend, I'm just meeting my friend for coffee (at 11pm), we're just going shopping etc.
Were they shopping or was it a date? If it's at a hotel room was it just 2 gals going to the spa or having sex? Why should I have to wonder? Why am I suddenly no good to hang out with? Why do I have to snoop to see what she is up to?

I wish you sincere strength and fortitude..I think if two people are devoted to each and want the marriage that's what marriage is all about (would he die for you?)

But in my case it was disloyalty followed by withdrawing of all physical contact, followed by horrid treatment. ..she did not want the marriage anymore and did not want me in anyway. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Last edited by Rob (January 20, 2017 11:53 am)

Hopeful,

I'm not going to lie or author something that won't help you. Reality is preferential to that. He cheated on you. That eclipsed his "loving to put his hands all over you" and loving you. If he loved you and was excited to have sex with you, he wouldn't have violated your marriage with someone else. Everything I read you author seems to be trying to convince all of us it was okay or explain it away. Just because you are both bi sexual, doesn't mean anything when it comes to being faithful within a marriage. Cheating is cheating.  I am 66 years old and I agree with Lily. This is going to get much worse as you age. You will also learn that NOBODY cheats just once. Nobody. You don't have to keep working so hard to convince us this is all going to be okay. It's your marriage to negotiate past his being unfaithful or not. I just think you are in denial and I fear for reality presenting itself once again in your future. I'm sorry for what he did. You are so young. It's reasonable to expect your husband to stay faithful and not act on urges. I wish you well and I hope you are right.
Judy

Last edited by Judy (January 21, 2017 5:50 am)

Hopeful10, I agree with JKPeace.  I'm glad you are here.  And I agree with Rob.  Regardless of orientation of both spouses, marriage is both work and commitment.  Everyone on this side of the board has experience with spouses who are indeed gay, so I'm thinking there is a ton of bias towards our experience.  

Distrust is distrust.  Loyalty and commitment are yours.  Only you know what you can live with and how you can make it work if that's what you both desire.  

You are brave for talking about your pain here and sharing with your husband.  Because you feel like you've lost trust (totally understandable), what things will you do differently to protect yourself?  What will he do differently to put you more at ease so you don't feel like you have to look over your shoulder or check his phone or computer?  If you don't feel at ease, something is there.  If you are best friends, you can talk it out and you'll have to make the decision if you can trust his words.  

In the end, you have to feel you are being respected as well as respect yourself and what your wants and needs are to make any relationship work, right? 

Peace to you as you move through this wave.